As he wrapped up filming the last episode ever of last week, No Reservations Anthony Bourdain tweeted one of the reasons he’s joined CNN, and it’s not so that he can become the latest hologram in their celebrity collection: “We are all assuming a worldwide news organization can get us into locales we otherwise might have problems with.”
Oh man! Does this mean that Bourdain is donning a khaki vest with multiple pockets and a neckerchief to go to the most dangerous places on Earth? (
Ed Note: Fingers crossed for a ) We don’t know what that will mean for the CNN version of disaster tee! No Reservations, but we do know that CNN can send its correspondents anywhere. Seriously: ANYWHERE. Let’s ponder that possibility, shall we? Hmmm…..
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Like A Watermelon In A Pinball
Snooki and Vinny hook up and sleep together. But let's rewind a little. Immediately preceding this incident, Snooki drinks a cup of cigarette ash and then farts. Only
then she wants "to cuddle with one of the roommates." Vinny, ever the romantic, says, "If she wants to come in my bed and throw it at me, I’m going to take it." And take it he does, leaving Snooki to tell the world of Vinny's...asset...using an odd analogy: "It’s like putting like a watermelon, into like a pinball."
The Situation In A Nutshell
The Situation is busy throwing Ronnie so far under the bus he's crawling out the other side. "He's 100% wrong," says Sitch to Sammi. "You don’t see that. He fucked up hardcore and made you look fucking stupid." The moral of this story is that Sitch will play it cool while you all just destroy yourselves and each other. Or, in his future-T-shirt-worthy words:
"I'll be flipping pancakes, while people are punching themselves in the face."
Jwoww is so mad that Sammi won't come out so she can tell her she wrote the note that she comes inside and flips out on Sammi. "A - watch your fucking tone. And B - it wasn’t fucking me," she says, lying again. Then Jwoww goes into full roid rage and, while yelling, mumbles something like, "You’re a lying bitch, while your man’s putting his dick in other bitches." Sammi, is embarrassed. "All I know is, a lot happened to me and it's embarrassing," she says, which will be the title of the
Jersey Shore 10-year reunion show.
What's the deal with Vinny's eyes?
Vinny has another thing in his eye - last season he had pink eye. "Your eyebrows are so bushy that they collect so much more bacteria than normal eyes would," diagnoses Dr. Pauly D. At the office, the eye doctor hits Vin where it hurts. "Are you Italian too?" she asks. "But why are you so white?" DAMN! He’s going to T the shit out of the next round of GTL.
The Highlight Of The Situation's Hook-Up Career
Sitch eyes an attractive blond girl, dances with her for five minutes and takes her home. "The brains on that girl, she definitely went to college," he says, smirking. But before he can smush, he must eat a meal. A full meal! A cigarette for desert, and he's ready for sexual activities. "Are you ready for this?" he actually asks his, um, date. Then this conversation occurred between Sitch and his sleeping beauty. "Yeah so um. I uh, I got a taxi for you baby. So as soon as you get dressed and stuff. It’s all set up." Her, sincerely: "It’s all set up?" Sitch: "I set up everything for you. You good. You straight?" Later: "And that’s how you get 'em out!" Unbelievable. This guy has such good game there's no way he'd ever hook up with a tranny or anything.
Debbie Downer At Dinner
Angelina essentially tells Sammi it was Jwoww and Snooki who wrote the note. Meanwhile, Jwoww and Snooki go food shopping and begin making the meal for the men. It turns out well, for everyone except Sammi, who only eats salad. Sammi Salad? Jwoww calls her Debbie Downer.
Vinny's Chain Is Like Jwoww's
Sitch's sister Melissa comes by the house, and Vinny wants to impress her. You see, back in Seaside Heights, they previously hooked up. Vinny's new chain is like Jwoww's "tits" - fake, but great! "This spray tan, this chain and this fitted, how could she not?" wonders Vinny. His confidence is overflowing, and he backs it up. At Tantra he makes out with Sitch's sis and Vinny "could see us sharing a bed together."
Not A Grenade, Exactly...
At Tantra, Sitch spots a "blonde-headed girl." "This one’s a winner," he says. Situation's a Cancer, and that is one of her favorite signs. Or is it? Not that he's not a Cancer, but is she really female? Pauly D: "We think The Situation might have got himself into a situation with a tranny out here." The...object of Sitch's affection kisses his shoulder, but MTV doesn't show whether they sealed the kiss deal. Later, Sitch reflects: "That’s the first time. First time that that had happened. But I’m a trooper man, I’m The Situation man." She's a man, man.
Ironic Quote of 2010
Pauly’s so wasted his hair is messed up. Also, he's so wasted he's making out with Angelina. Vinny puts the debouchery in perspective: "Right now, Pauly would hook up with me, he’s so drunk." And they do, and
Jersey Shore takes one of the most surprising twists ever. No - he just throws up and passes out. Angelina, mad about not banging a blacked out guy probably, tells a lie about Jwoww to stir the Sammi pot. Jwoww confronts, Sammi defends, and it's on. "Did you grow some balls all of a sudden?" asks Jwoww. "I always had balls honey," says Sammi, not realizing we're dealing with the literal and not figurative with post-cycle Jwoww. In one of the most ironic moments of 2010, Jwoww begins the real fight by slamming Sammi with this insult: "You're Jersey trash." You're both on Jersey Shore. Anyway, they fight, and MTV leaves the good part for next week. Disappointing. The ending was like Vinny's Chain and Jwoww's...