Duff Goldman, the no-longer-televised Ace of Cakes, has been tapped to make Barack Obama’s inauguration ball cake, and one thing’s for sure: this is going to be the best cake ever made for a presidential inauguration, ever.
According to the , the cake, which will appear at the Commander-in-Chief’s Ball tomorrow evening and will likely be consumed by Barack and Huffington Post Michelle Obama themselves, “will stand 3 to 4 feet tall, drip with patriotic fondant bunting and sparkle with clusters of stars shooting out like fireworks.”
“Glitter is going to be all over the place,” Goldman told them in a telephone interview. As of press, his magical bakers at Charm City Cakes are baking the cake itself, as well as other cakes appearing at various inaugural events. But only one will be at an inaugural ball. We repeat:
the best cake ever.
Do you doubt us? In order for you to understand how awesome it’s going to be, let’s go through Goldman’s cake repertoire, courtesy of the Food Network, and imagine that these cakes are patriotic, American, and seasoned with eagle tears, instead of whatever the theme of that cake is supposed to be.
There's no cross domain hackery or tracking voodoo, it's just some sweet jQuery animations.
Please, think of the animations.
In the meantime, enjoy the html version below. I guess. If that's your thing.
Rep. Ron Paul
Ron Paul is by far the most ideologically unique politician in the 2012 Republican race. That said, he also has what is perhaps the most generic politician hairstyle of them all: the semi-gray pseudo combover. He doesn't need the flair on the outside to reflect that on the inside, however-- and plus, as far as eccentric hair goes, his son Rand has Congress covered.
This one is a bit unfair, as Cain doesn't really have that much hair to work with. That said, sometimes it's better to have no hair than bad hair, and Cain certainly wins points for being the only mustachioed candidate in the race-- whether with the American Mustache Institute endorsement
Sen. Rick Santorum
There isn't really anything wrong with Rick Santorum's hair. It's brown, sometimes it looks more natural than at other times. Sometimes it grows out too much and looks a little wavy. But much like Rick Santorum itself, it's missing something-- a spark of passion for the right things, a sign that it aspires to something greater that it can actually achieve. The only way Santorum could outrank his other candidates in the hair department-- and possibly make some inroads in the actual race-- would be to make a seriously risky move: grow out a mullet. The political world will never be the same.
Gov. Mitt Romney
It's sleek. It's perfectly salt-and-peppered. It's got its own two-page profile in the
New York Times. Mitt Romney's hair is a tour de force in follicular politics, not the least because it appears that the only entity to have ever conquered it was rapper Sky Blu of LMFAO. It's a helmet that makes him impervious to the true ridicule that candidates like Cain and Perry have been run through. Well, that's probably not the hair that keeps him from that, but it is quite a formidable, lush head of hair. A little plastic, but what isn't in politics nowadays?
Gov. Jon Huntsman
It's been joked that Jon Huntsman is basically Mitt Romney, but with more experience and rationality and thus completely unelectable in a Republican primary. The fact that their hair, on paper, sounds the same doesn't help: touch of gray, touch of spray. But it's pretty clear that Huntsman's is the greater head of hair. For one, it looks like it moves sometimes, like when the wind hits it, and that it's not so overwhelmingly saturated in gel that it would make your hand slimy were you to run your hair through it. And-- most importantly-- it's longer, which is riskier, and looks regularly teased by an experienced stylist.
Gov. Gary Johnson
Gary Johnson's is the great untold story of the GOP primary. He's an extreme athlete who has climbed Mount Everest and skipped out on debates to compete in biking races. He's a millionaire by virtue of a small business he started on his own. And he did it all while sporting a great hairstyle. Johnson's hair has flopped on occasion-- important occasions like the only Republican debate that let him in-- but it's natural splendor is a rare thing to be carried well in politics, and helps him keep that outdoorsy reputation intact.
Rep. Michele Bachmann
As the only woman in the running, the aesthetic expectations on Rep.
Michele Bachmann are unfairly high-- as a nation, we're working on the whole sexism thing, but not doing as good as job as we could be. It takes a lot more effort to have nice hair on the campaign trail if it's long, as it takes longer to wash and style, and often the effects of weather are much more visible and difficult to resist. Nonetheless, Bachmann succeeds in looking like a Pantene commercial in most of her appearances, and given that she has the sort of straight hair that doesn't tend to do much on its own, the sheer variety of styles she sports routinely is impressive. That said, it'd be nice to see her do something new and wavy with it once in a while, or bigger than her average without looking all Snooki Palin about it.
Rep. Newt Gingrich
There are many things to criticize about Newt Gingrich, but his hair certainly isn't one of them. For one, he is the only full-coiffed "silver fox" (more "fox" than "silver," but you get the idea) in the race, with the sort of hair color and thickness that would make Julian Assange jealous. It has the prerequisite "helmet" look going on, but manages to be unique in a field where salt-and-pepper gelled structures rule the masses. It is neither slimy nor unruly, and looks great with a
dash of glitter. This is the only good thing I will ever write about Newt Gingrich. In any other field of candidates, Gingrich would be the king of awesome hair. But in this field, he must yield his crown to one of the greatest coifs in American history...
Gov. Rick Perry
Any list of politicians with luscious manes would be incomplete without Governor Goodhair, and there's a reason for that. Rick Perry's hair looks soft, plush, thick, and perfectly wavy. It appears well-kept without needing several pounds of hair gel a la Romney/Huntsman, or appearing to require
several hundred dollars monthly to stay in place. Romney's hair may have a New York Times profile, but Perry's has its own [short-form news] , and many suggest it is single-handedly responsible for winning Perry his elections. Yes, folks, this is hair so powerful it documentary could beat . In short, Mitt Romney better be relieved that it's Rick Perry-- and not his hair-- he has to debate. Karl Rove at his own game
How happy is your face right now, America?
The Huffington Post]