Each week this year, we’ll try bringing you some of the most memorable lines from restaurant critics around the country. Whether they’re mean, sassy, laudatory, or critically observant (or, in Gael Greene’s case, a big ol’ TMI), they’re some of the most sticky sentences we’ve found, and we hope they stick for you, too. Enjoy.
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Back In August, during one of the early GOP debates,
Herman Cain began his final statement with a quote from a song that turned out to be the theme song to . At the time, we all thought that was, well, f**king crazy. However, little did we know that this was just the first step in Cain's diabolically brilliant plan to trick me, as a 12 year old, into being receptive to a Herman Cain campaign. You see, Cain was skipping all of the political nonsense to send messages back in time and hit me right where it counts; in my Game Boy Color. With this technique, Cain was able to evolve from a lowly "Charmeleon," through a "Charizard," all the way to a "Guy someone would actually consider voting for." Pokemon: the Movie 2000
One of the main components of Herman Cain's policy has been his famed 999 Plan. However, there was an interesting wrinkle to the story last month when it was discovered that the plan was very similar to
the default tax plan from the . This only makes sense. While my 12 year old self has no interest in talking about taxes, he loved computer games. Of course, SimCity games Cain has denied that this was the origin of the plan, but he probably only said that so that people wouldn't discover his manipulation of the time vortex. If they knew that, then he wouldn't be able send back messages and, if he couldn't do that, he couldn't become president and defend us from those darn alien attacks!
Like I mentioned before, this is how I first figured out what Cain was doing. When
Cain said that he was a "leader not a reader," he was apparently making a When I was 12, Simpsons reference. The Simpsons was my favorite show! What a genius Cain is! However, there are some issues with this part of Cain's plan. The quote he used was used in the movie as a demonstration that the president who said it was clearly too incompetent to run the country. That might make Cain look bad. Fortunately, when I was 12, I didn't watch The Simpsons for satirical content. I watched it to see Homer fall down. Therefore, this tid bit might fly right over my head.
Adults know that smoking is a terrible habit that ruins your health, empties your wallets, and eventually kills you. But, for 12 year olds...and, uh,
...smoking is awesome! The Cain campaign knows this. While that loser Obama is trying to quit like a total narc, Rush Limbaugh the famous Mark Block ad shows us that Herman Cain is one of the cool kids. After school, he won't be studying. He'll be hanging out down by the train tracks or behind the gas station lighting up. When I was 12, I wanted to join that gang but couldn't. Now, if I donate to Cain 2012, I'll finally get my chance. That'll be great because I hear the girls over there go to second base! Under the bra!
This one's obvious. Herman Cain is the CEO of a pizza company. That makes him basically Willy Wonka. When I was 12, I loved pizza and I loved Willy Wonka. Therefore, I must now love Herman Cain.
Not Giving A Crap About Geography!
Now this one is spooky.
"Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan" is actually a genuine answer I gave during a seventh grade pop quiz. However, I said it quietly, hoping that my social studies teacher would mistake it for whatever the actual answer was. That's not what Cain did though. No, he said it proudly, teaching my 12 year old self that it's important to have self confidence, even when any rational person can see that it's completely and entirely unwarranted. Now, that's a positive message!
Now that we've covered all the ways Herman Cain is actively trying to reach me as a 12 year old, here's what some ideas for his next steps: Alright, so Herman's played SimCity and that's cool but SimCity was always kind of lame. I could never play for too long before I got bored and let a tornado destroy my city. Now it's time for him to get serious. 007 serious. Now, Goldeneye, that's where it's at! Forget all this debate nonsense. Challenge all the candidates to a multiplayer death match on "You Only Live Twice" mode and my vote is his. Doing this will instantly bring him one step closer to the White House. But don't get too close! There may be a proximity mine there!
Kill Sarah Connor!
While Cain's got the time vortex open, he really needs to get on killing Sarah Connor. As we all know, her son is the only one who can save humanity from the unspeaking terror of a Cain presidency and, therefore, he needs to be stopped. Get on it, Herman!
This one is super important. Herman Cain needs a better campaign song.
is great and all, but the only Branch I cared about in middle school was Krista Branch . Unfortunately, Michelle that seminal classic came out when I was 14. Plus, it's a girl song. So what's Cain to do? Well, obviously, he needs to incorporate the greatest band for 12 year olds of all time, pop punk legends Blink 182! From now on, he should pepper all his speeches with Blink quotes, telling us that he's a friend who both understands and sees through the master plan and wondering if America is stuck going in circles on a carousel. If all of this seems silly to you, just ask yourself, "Hey, what's my age again?" That's right! Your age is 12! Vote Cain!