Look, 2012, I know you think you’re so important because the Mayans said everything ends with you. But short of sharks rising from the seas, the sun mysteriously vanishing, or some other supernatural event taking place, you’re really not going to come close to just how insanely screwed up this year was. You know what the first big story of 2011 was? Thousands of birds dropping dead from for no apparent reason. In more than one place! Chicken Little may have been right after all. Of course, all the dead birds were immediately followed by over two million fish dying in the Chesapeake and thousands of dead crabs washing up on the shores of England. How much more “end of the world” can you get than that?

And isn’t 2012 just a little insulted that Harold Camping tried to steal its thunder twice this year by predicting the end of the world would commence in May, then recalculating his prediction to October? Many Christians who believe the apocalypse is coming can’t say with absolute certainty that it would happen this or next year. Though as Glenn Beck, the arbiter of all things apocalyptic and conspiratorial, pointed out, it’s never too early to prepare for the end of the world.

Oh, and let’s not forget all those natural disasters that happened this year. Japan was hit by an earthquake that triggered both a tsunami and a full-fledged nuclear crisis. The United States was hit by an earthquake and a hurricane around the same time. And on top of all that, it snowed before Halloween! Now that’s a nightmare before Christmas.

It’s no coincidence that Time marked “The Protestor” as the Person of the Year. From the Arab Spring to Occupy Wall Street, 2011 has been a strong year for people-powered protests. But don’t make the mistake of thinking everything has turned out for the better. The ousting of Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak was a mere prelude to the equally repressive (if not more so) tactics of the military leadership now in charge of the country. Protestors in nations like Syria are being targeted for death by their leaders. Kim Jong-Un has been the Supreme Leader of North Korea for less than a week, and he has already issued a threat of war against South Korea. The Libyan rebels who united against the regime of Moammar Gaddafi have now split into different factions competing for power. In fact, this week al-Qaeda sent forces to Libya to establish a “fighting force” there.

There’s something poetic about all of this; the crumbling of the forces of evil only to find another evil taking its place. And sure, there is no “scientific basis” or “actual evidence” that the world is ending. In fact, NASA has insisted the only big event to occur in December 2012 will be the winter solstice. But doesn’t it feel like the world is collapsing around us?

I mean, in a year marked with international protests and the like, the most Googled name of 2011 was Rebecca Black. Also on the list (in order) are Google+, the late Ryan Dunn, Casey Anthony, Battlefield 3, the as-of-yet unannounced iPhone 5, etc. The Fukushima nuclear plant ranked eighth on the list, however, which was beaten by the next-highest search: Adele. Meanwhile, the most searched name on Bing was “Justin Bieber.” And if we live in a world where people are on the tip of their toes listening to the insane ramblings of Charlie Sheen or taking Donald Trump seriously as a presidential candidate, it’s possible the end may already be upon us.

And sure, talking about the end of the world in the media is just a way for people to give airtime to a story that the vast majority of human beings thinks is beyond absurd and the only reason they might do it is for publicity and maybe some ratings, but what if the apocalypse actually does happen next year? Every single newscaster who reported on the end of the world should be up for a posthumous Pulitzer if it happens. And propping up the end of the world isn’t just good for ratings, it’s also good for the tourism industry. Mexico is launching a year-long campaign to attract tourists to Mayan territory so they can marvel at how such primitive people could predict an event so far in the future.

Now let us hypothesize that the world does not, in fact, come to an end next year. The question remains: when will it end? Isaac Newton predicted the world would not end any time before 2060, so if we’re all still alive in 2013, congratulations! We have anywhere between 47 and several million years left to go!

Personally, if the world does end in my lifetime, I’m hoping it’s less like that awful 2012 movie and more like The Walking Dead. Now that would be an end of the world to remember. (If anyone were around afterwards that to remember it.)

A “concerned citizen” in the UK has gone to his city council to demand answers. Sounds pretty fair so far. What’s he holding elected officials feet to the fire about? The inevitable zombie apocalypse, of course. As the Daily Telegraph reports, “Robert Ainsley…lodged his query on Tuesday, asking: ‘Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie invasion?” And if you’ve seen 28 Days Later, you know the UK doesn’t exactly have a spotless record in defending against zombies–just the kind of scare that sent Ainsley to the Leicester City Council with questions:

“Having watched several films it is clear that preparation for such an event is poor and one that councils throughout the kingdom must prepare for.”

The authority has yet to formally respond but has indicated that there are no specific references to zombies in its emergency plans.

The request did get some laughs from city officials, but they say it’s not an entirely unreasonable issue. “You could look at it in more depth and say, ‘Which parts of the emergency plan could you apply to a zombie invasion?’ – as it would have the same impact as perhaps some other disaster or attack.”

Here in the U.S., of course, we remain on the cutting edge of preparations for the zombie attack that will almost certainly befall us, with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently releasing the agency’s first-ever guide for “coping with a zombie apocalypse.”

Yesterday afternoon, Beck took some time on his radio show to respond to comments O’Donnell had made the night before, accusing Beck of “hyping” the situation in Japan. Beck assured his listeners that there’s no need to worry about the world ending with a whimper and/or a bang anytime soon.

Last night, O’Donnell responded to Beck in his “Rewrite” segment. “This show,” began O’Donnell, “is driving Glenn Beck crazy.” You can almost picture Beck glancing over O’Donnell’s crumpled sheet of loose leaf – “RU crazy? Pick Yes or YES P.S. lolol” – and writing “NO!!!!,” underlining it seventeen times with a spare piece of yellow chalk.

Said O’Donnell, eyes positively twinkling with mirth:

Did you see what Glenn Beck just did? He did something he has never, ever, ever been forced to do before… Ever! He agreed with me! Do you have any idea how much it pained him to do that?

O’Donnell showed footage of Beck agreeing with him exactly three times before accusing him of essentially hiding behind his religious beliefs whenever they happen to suit him.

Check out the segment, via MSNBC:

O’Donnell began the segment by attacking– who else?– Bill O’Reilly– proposing that O’Reilly’s skepticism on media coverage of the nuclear disaster in Japan was disingenuous. O’Reilly had decried “the hype” surrounding the potential destruction of a situation “we don’t even know” how to properly assess. Given that no one knows how severe the situation is, O’Donnell posited, it is impossible for anything within the realm of possibility to be “hype.” Unfortunately for O’Reilly, the little that does count as “hype,” according to O’Donnell appears on his very network.

O’Donnell uses a quote from Beck’s radio show to prove that the precise “hype” that has O’Reilly so hot and bothered is coming from his own network, ignoring that, on Fox News, Beck has called the media reaction to the Japanese situation an “overreaction” and is still in favor of nuclear energy. That Beck holds an opinion that fits the definition of “hype” about “the end of the world”– the sort of thing O’Reilly decries in his “Talking Points Memo”– signals to O’Donnell that O’Reilly’s logic is “as empty-headed as usual.” Beck states in the clip that the point of the book of Revelations is so that “we know what it looks like” when the world will end, though Beck also repeatedly states whether or not the world is ending is a question beyond his realm of expertise. But since Beck brought up the Bible, O’Donnell felt compelled to point something out about Revelations: it has no place in the current discussion of what to do about Japan. Revelations, he explains, is a “work of fiction” that describes the acts of a god whose moral disposition is “worse than Hitler.”

Then O’Donnell turns to his audience and pleas for ratings. “Why would anyone listen to a guy who doesn’t know if this is the end of the world,” he asks, “when there’s another guy on MSNBC at 8 every night who can tell you with absolute certainty, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is not the end of the world? What do I have to do, change the name of the show to ‘The This is Not the End of the World Show with Lawrence O’Donnell?”

Ending the segment with some sage advice (don’t throw away the retirement plan because of Armageddon), O’Donnell departs with a final request: “Don’t listen to Beck. Listen to me.”

The segment via MSNBC below:

Oh, fine. I guess you want to know what the scientists have to say. Fiiiiiiine…

From Sky News:

“Maryland Department of the Environment spokeswoman Dawn Stoltzfus told Sky News Online that at the moment it does not look like pollution is to blame.
She said: “The dead fish are mainly juvenile spot fish, and they can’t survive very cold water temperatures. Typically they should have left the bay by now.
‘Our working theory, that looks pretty strong, is that it’s been caused by cold water stress.’”

Ugh. So a bunch of fish just got caught in the bay and couldn’t make it out to other areas before the water chilled? That is sooooo dull. And scientists are also trying to explain the other deaths away with power lines and fire works? Could that be any more boring? It totally doesn’t make my life sound like the beginning of a Steven Spielberg movie and therefore it’s stupid and I hate it.

Those scientist buzz kills can continue to try and ruin everything but don’t worry. We in the media promise to continue to bravely connect these events and hope for an apocalyptic even that will kill us all. It’s just so much more fun that way.

Watch the news report on the latest mass kill from Sky News below:

Meet the Vivos network, “a nationwide group of 20 fortified, underground shelters” that you can buy into for the small price of $50,000 per person ($25,000 for each of the kids). According to USA Today, the network offers “partial ownership similar to a timeshare” in luxury styled underground bunkers (artistic rendering above). Amenities include a hospital, dental clinic, move theater, and (judging from schematics available on their website) a bank of desktop computers. Great, I’m glad to know I can check Facebook while I’m waiting out the apocalypse.

Okay, a couple things here: 1) If it’s the end of days, wouldn’t you want a full time gig, not a timeshare? I mean, it would be a bit depressing to realize that, “Oh darn, the Joneses have the bunker for the weekend, guess we’ll have to weather out this nuclear blast in the basement.” 2) Average college tuition in the U.S. at a private four-year school is $35,000 a year. Just saying.

Below, check out an appropriately dramatic ABC segment about Vivos from two weeks ago. The video is featured prominently on the network’s homepage. Also worth checking out on the site is the Mayan-inspired 2012 countdown clock (which you can download) and the helpful threat scenario videos. My personal favorite: the Jesse Ventura-narrated government conspiracy video.

But we need facts, and T.J. Holmes guest anchoring American Morning is going to be our fact-finding vessel.

“I thought you all were busy trying to build a new rocket to send people into space, and trying to discover life on the moon and Mars, but you’re putting together a PR campaign against this movie essentially, not against the enter portion but against some of the themes,” said Holmes to begin the segment. (And really, is that actually what NASA is busy doing? Finding martians?)

Jim Garvin, Chief Scientist at NASA, was ready to respond. “We want people to also pay attention to the science behind the facts,” he said.

Also, this exchange later:

Holmes: No truth to it at all? There’s no chance that in December of 2012 the world is going to have an issue?
Garvin: Absolutely not…There is no indication, not one iota, that any of the things depicted in the film are going to happen in late 2012. now we’ll be busy then watching the things but nothing you need to worry about.
Holmes: Would you even tell us if there was something to worry about?
Garvin: Absolutely.

NASA hasn’t exactly been waging a full-on “PR campaign” against the movie “2012,” but they have launched a website that answers questions about the apocalyptic myth. The site assures that “nothing bad will happen to the Earth in 2012.”

But now there’s water on the moon so who knows, right?

One last quote from Garvin: “Hollywood’s fun! But so is science.” Truth.

Here’s the full interview:

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Has Matt Drudge stumbled upon the Mayan code for the rumored upcoming 2012 apocalypse? A quick click on this morning’s Drudge Report might lead you to think so. (Plus, if there was such a code, Drudge no doubt, would be an early adopter). Alas, no. Today’s ominous, numerical headline is actually Drudge’s way of letting us know that over the weekend the President declared the swine flu outbreak to be a national emergency. Meaning, one supposes, that H1N1 is the new 9/11? Or just that the country needs to call 911. Probably the latter, come to think of it. From the somewhat less than apocalyptic article.

President Barack Obama declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency, giving his health chief the power to let hospitals move emergency rooms offsite to speed treatment and protect noninfected patients.

The declaration, signed Friday night and announced Saturday, comes with the disease more prevalent than ever in the country and production delays undercutting the government’s initial, optimistic estimates that as many as 120 million doses of the vaccine could be available by mid-October.

Health authorities say more than 1,000 people in the United States, including almost 100 children, have died from the strain of flu known as H1N1, and 46 states have widespread flu activity. So far only 11 million doses have gone out to health departments, doctor’s offices and other providers, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention officials.

Administration officials said the declaration was a pre-emptive move designed to make decisions easier when they need to be made. Officials said the move was not in response to any single development.