According to a report from the UK-based Daily Mail’s Rachel Quigley, the Manhattan District Attorney’s office said they have “serious doubts” over a woman’s allegations she was sexually assaulted by TV anchor and son of New York police commissioner Ray Kelly, “and will likely not file criminal charges against the TV anchor.”

Afghanistan has never been known as a paragon of excellence in the human rights realm, but this recent video of Afghan police humiliating a man dressed in make-up and women’s clothing for their own amusement truly brings that reality home. The video– which, the Daily Mail notes appears to have come from an Afghan news source– shows the man pleading to be released and protesting his innocence of any crime while the police make him remove outer clothing and fake breasts.

When The Daily Show was last on the air, Occupy Wall Street was a small live-in movement isolated to Lower Manhattan, so when Jon Stewart returned to the newsroom today, he found the movement had gone global, with thousands of protesters uniting to form what he called the “Hard Rock Café of leftist movements.” Unfortunately, this also meant there were thousands of new people involved who didn’t quite understand the damage a bad image could do, including one man who got a personal lecture (and newspaper-wagging!) from Stewart for relieving himself on a police car.

This afternoon, news rooms worldwide were on hold as they waited to see which way the Italian court’s would swing on Amanda Knox’s appeal. In hopes of being first, or at least quick, many newsroom probably had two stories, near-ready for publishing: one assuming she was found guilty once more, the other reporting that she has been set free. When she was acquitted, most outlets got the story up quickly and correctly. One, however, got things wrong. Perhaps hoping to get the jump on the story, the Daily Mail hit go on the wrong one, proclaiming the exact opposite of how things actually went: “Guilty: Amanda Knox looks stunned as appeal against murder conviction is rejected.”

The tabloid scandal that has struck the core of News International is continuing to claim careers. Following up on former News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks‘s arrest earlier today, Metropolitan Police Chief Sir Paul Stephenson has now resigned amidst speculation of widespread corruption. He is the first within the police department to do so.

A mother known as “the human barbie” for her self-admitted “addiction” to plastic surgery has given her daughter a noteworthy–or nauseating–gift for the girl’s seventh birthday: a coupon for breast enlargement surgery. “Poppy begged me for a boob job, so I gave her the voucher so she can have it after she’s 16, when it’s legal. If she develops naturally big boobs, she can have something else done with it,” said Sarah Burge, who insisted her daughter “squealed with delight” when she received the voucher.

Say what you will about bizarre-coiffed Irish confectionery pop trinket “Jedward,” but the kids sure have their priorities straight! While the Eurovision stars were thrilled about meeting and performing for the leader of the free world on President Obama’s trip to the British Isles this week, they made it very clear– on paper and spoken word– that they’re only using him as a stepping stone towards meeting the actual most important citizen of the United States: Britney Spears.

Celebrity chef Nigella Lawson, it can be revealed, is not taking any chances with the sun Down Under. On a visit to Bondi Beach near Sydney, Lawson covered up against the late summer sun from head to toe in a black burka-style outfit that left only her hands, feet and face exposed. The UK Daily Mail described the outfit as resembling “a burkini – a three-piece swimsuit designed to preserve the modesty of Muslim women – with a baseball cap beneath the hood.”

>If you’re friends with either Anne Hathaway or James Franco, you might want to do what you can to keep them off the internet and away from newspapers today. It’s not pretty out there. The hosts of Sunday night’s Academy Awards show on ABC have given critics a form of Christmas in February, and they’re holding nothing back. The UK’s Daily Mail headlines “Clumsy and Downright Painful,” and the New York Post went with “Hip Was Never So Dull.” And those were the nice reviews.

For better or worse, the scope of the word “celebrity” appears to ever be expanding, and while it’s common to see it used nowadays for people in YouTube videos or reality TV stars, watching our president get the celebrity treatment will never not be bizarre. The latest celebrity treatment Barack Obama is unfortunate enough to be getting comes from the UK’s Daily Mail, who dare ask whether the President’s “new” hair color is synthetic.

The Brits have a bit of motorcade envy, it would seem. The UK’s Daily Mail has done some car-counting in Hawaii, and concluded that President Obama‘s 10-car motorcade (about five times the length of the typical Jaguar-and-a-police-cruiser affairs the British prime minister gets) had “provoked fresh outrage…after taking a 20-man motorcade to visit a childhood friend during his lavish Christmas holiday in Hawaii.”

News Corp chief Rupert Murdoch‘s planned takeover of broadcaster BSkyB got panned in a new poll, with 63 percent of the British public saying there should be an independent investigation into the purchase, according to a report today in the Daily Mail.

News Corp, parent company to Fox News Channel, is attempting to take over the remaining 61 percent of BSkyB shares the company does not already own–a purchase that has led to claims Murdoch will have too much power over media:

Remember Glenn Beck‘s fuzzy math, which calculated that 10% of Muslims are actually terrorists? Well, according to one of those WikiLeaked diplomatic cables, the man may have been wildly underestimating. At least when it comes to British Muslim students, one-third of whom “believe killing in the name of religion is justified,” according to the Daily Mail.

This is being reported by the UK’s Daily Mail so perhaps take it with a grain of salt. The paper is reporting that Oprah Winfrey has offered Sarah Ferguson her own talk show on her new cable channel, the Oprah Winfrey Network.

Is Mel Gibson attempting to flee the country in the hopes of escaping the phenomenally bad press surrounding him since a series of abusive phone conversations between himself and former girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva have been made public? Um, maybe? Britain’s the Daily Mail is reporting that Gibson has sold his New York mansion for more than $10 million less than the asking price and is in the process of doing the same with his Malibu home. There’s more.

‘Sexy Russian Spy’ Anna Chapman was apparently really good at pretending to be American…she sought out her 15 minutes in a New York Entrepreneur Week and now apparently there are naked pictures making the rounds courtesy of Chapman’s ex-husband. Really, what could be more American than that.

As convenient and tempting as it is to blame BP CEO Tony Hayward exclusively for the corporation’s reputation as a needlessly cruel money-making machine, here’s more proof that Hayward may actually be one of the better ones: a BP spokesman described Hayward’s pleasant little field trip to the Isle of Wight to watch his yacht, Bob, at a race as “well-earned private time.”

Maybe Margaret Thatcher wants some tips on how to run a Facebook page. Sarah Palin has apparently been invited to England . Part of that invitation apparently includes an offer to meet with former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.

Craig Lynch, who escaped England’s Suffolk’s Hollesley Bay Prison in September, is using Facebook to brag about his freedom, posting a steady stream of status messages and rude photos to mock the authorities who have been after him for months. On Christmas, a tinsel-clad and shirtless Lynch flicked off the camera with one hand, and in the other, held a freshly cooked turkey. “‘If any of you was doubtin my freedom. Here’s proof. How the f*** could i get my hands on a bird like this in jail. ha ha,” he wrote.

News reporters like to catch readers’ attention with a few zingy lines at the start of an article. Sometimes, these so-called “ledes” go horribly wrong. In Today’s Worst News Ledes, we highlight some of the biggest offenders. This week brings us Nazi license plates and some E True Hollywood-esque journalism.