A letter to Meredith Bluett-Mills, mother of “thatcoolguyben.”
April 2nd, 2010
To: Meredith Bluett-Mills
From: Eli Roth
Re: Your son Ben

Dear Meredith,

You don’t know me, but my name is Eli Roth, and I am the boyfriend of a young woman named Peaches Geldof. Her name might ring a bell, as your son Ben recently wrote a sick, hurtful story about her that is now causing tremendous damage. If you do know Peaches, like many in America you probably know her from the gossip blogs as the daughter of Sir Bob Geldof. However, in the United Kingdom people have been reading her newspaper columns and magazine articles since the time she began writing professionally at age 13. If you lived in England you’d also know her as not just a television presenter and fashion model, but you might have seen one of her three documentaries that aired on British television, the first of which she produced when she was 15 years old. I realize this might be difficult for you to comprehend, as your 23 year old son Ben was expelled from Drew University and so far as I can tell makes a living as an “artist”, but Peaches accomplished all of this before the age of 21. Perhaps a need for attention at any cost drove Ben to write such a destructive story, but upon closer examination, I believe there is something much darker at work with your son…..

Your son Ben appears to have a deeply troubled past with women, as internet searches show he was accused of holding a girl hostage at knifepoint in a dorm room, and was then later was accused of witness tampering in the ensuing trial. Whether you choose to believe it or not, your son Ben is a liar. There are photos of Ben drunk with Peaches, and he concocted a racy story which involved them using heroin. I know you are quite familiar with how young adults can be irresponsible when alcohol is involved, as your son Jacob, who is the same age as Peaches, was once arrested for public drunkenness (see #3148). Ben posted his heroin-fueled sex story on a message board and then posted topless photos of them together as “proof,” and instantly his story was everywhere.

At first Peaches and I thought nothing of the posting – the story was simply too preposterous. Your son’s fairy tale culminates with him dazed and vomiting in a sauna at the Scientology Celebrity center, a place notoriously so high security that no non-member would ever be admitted and left alone, let alone a strung out one. But look closely at the specifics of your son’s story: he did not pick a drug associated with sex like ecstasy or cocaine, he chose heroin. Why? Because not only has Peaches openly talked about drug use in her past, her mother tragically died from a heroin overdose when Peaches was young. Ben’s story becomes much more salacious if he paints Peaches as heading down a similar path. Peaches does not have a squeaky clean image by any means, in fact, she’s known for being brutally honest and open about her past mistakes in life. But she has also worked hard to grow up and overcome her troubled past, and is now drug free. Your son took details from Peaches teenage tabloid stories to make the story more believable, no matter how contrary they are to who she is today. Ben used the most painful events from someone’s past to make himself famous, and it worked. It’s sociopathic. Imagine if I had a photo of Ben with a knife next to a girl and after some internet research posted a story that he had held yet another girl hostage at knifepoint? What if there were new photos of your son Jacob drunk and someone made up a story about how he was drunk in public again, and the press painted him as an alcoholic? Peaches has worked hard to put her mistakes behind her and show she has grown up, and was doing quite well until this insane story came along, and the British press spun it into front page news. Peaches lawyer immediately came out with a statement categorically denying the heroin accusations, but it was too late, your son had already done the damage.

Your son did not just post a false drug story on a message board. He took a bright, intelligent, incredibly creative young writer and damaged her ability to work until people forget about this or dismiss it as nonsense. Not only has your son’s horrible lies now painted Peaches as “dangerous” to many who would potentially hire her, but companies like Ultimo Underwear are using this “scandal” as a reason to fire Peaches by saying that she is not a role model for young girls. And for what? Some psychotic story your son made up that people were all too ready to believe because it fell in line with stories from the past. Stories your son clearly read before he made up that post. He knew exactly what he was writing, the details were far too calculated. And that made it all the more destructive. These stories also send a dangerous message to anyone who has ever made a mistake, that no matter how you change someone can make up a sick story about you and everyone will revert to the worst image of your past.

The instantaneous connectivity of the internet spread this venom to newspapers all over the world, so now I am hoping this letter reaches you through the same medium. The night Ben posted the photos a mutual acquaintance called him and asked him to take down the photos and the story, and Ben’s response was “Fuck off,” so clearly he was not bothered by what he did at the time. Hopefully someone will notify you through by your Facebook page, your son Jacob’s Facebook page, through your daughter Gabriella at Tulane, your twitter page, Jacob’s twitter page, or one of your Twitter followers, and my words will ultimately reach you. I would send a copy to your at your Palo Alto address that I got from Jacob’s arrest on the internet, but I don’t know if you reside at that residence anymore. I would even ask the blogs and newspapers who were more than happy to run rampant with Ben’s insane story to reprint my letter in its entirety in the hopes you see it. Maybe by examining the person your son hurt, he would attempt to be more like Peaches and become an artist beyond hanging himself from meat hooks. Ben writes such creative fiction, he could ask Peaches how she got her book deal. Or perhaps like Peaches he could write for newspapers and magazines published around the globe, although even that’s getting difficult for Peaches now that your son has painted her as trouble with a hurtful story fabricated around details from a painful past. I hope you or your other children can help Ben realize the damage he has caused to (yet another?) young woman, and teach him how to behave like a human being. Although considering Ben’s past history and recent actions, your record as a mother appears spotty at best. Perhaps you are the source of his anger, in which case I hope you both are able to find happiness without damaging other people’s lives.

Sincerely,
Eli Roth
Los Angeles, California

I’m not sure how much there is to add here. The obvious thing to say would be that Peaches Geldof’s illustrious career as a child newspaper columnist and magazine writer likely had more than a little to do with her, um, family history and connections. And that I suspect Eli Roth is going to very much be wishing he hadn’t hit that post button sometime in the not-too-distant future. But whatever. It’s springtime, the season for young love, so let’s focus on the positive and just say, what tabloid hound, troubled daughter of a celebrity wouldn’t want their handsome, successful boyfriend posting a letter like this in their defense. It’s the stuff 15 year-old-dreams are made of. I mean seriously, the best most of us can expect is a nice tweet-out here and there.

[h/t Gawker]

Er, spoiler alert.

It’s been making the rounds for a few days, with various permutations (Team Jacob or Team Edward? etc.) This version comes via meme-incubator Livejournal hub OhNoTheyDidnt but has been snaking across Reddit and Digg and other content hubs for the past week or so. Of course Mediaite has a special affinity for Inglourious Basterds via Bear Jew 5QQer and Aughts columnist Eli Roth, but we’re also fans of stunning double agent Diane Kruger and the extremely non-Landa like Christoph Walz, seen chocking Kruger’s Bridget von Hammersmarck above but seen here humbly accepting his Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor. Oscar, watch out. Also, upon rewatch we were reminded that Mike Myers was in the film, and he, of course, is Canadian.

(h/t Ryan Penagos)

As we head into awards season — and what has already been a triumphant outing for the much-nominated Basterds — Mediaite asked Eli to reflect on the last decade and the sweat, tears and, yes, blood it took to get here. Luckily for us, he was as forthcoming with his story as the Bear Jew is with his bat — and shared all the gory details.

ELI ROTH: My Decade

The nineties, while fun and wild at times, were spent in film school, then working on various film sets from 5:30 in the morning until 11:00 at night getting coffee or standing out in the freezing cold asking drug addicts in Tompkins Square Park to kindly keep their voice down.  In short, they sucked, by 1999 I had moved to Los Angeles and finally got my first directing break, co-writing, directing, producing and voicing a series of animated shorts with my friend Noah Belson called “Chowdaheads.”  The shorts were to air on WCW Wrestling’s #1 rated show “Monday Nitro,” but the weekend before they were scheduled to air the CEO got fired, and the shorts were put on hold.  I had put every waking minute of my life into these shorts, and now they were just sitting on a shelf because of a regime change.  I was told to “sit tight” and “hang in there,” but by the end of 1999 it was clear nothing was going to happen with them.  It was time to move on.

Then, in January of 2000, the phone rang. On the other end was an unmistakable Midwestern twang I instantly recognized.

“Eli, man?  David Lynch.  How ya doin’, bud?”

I knew David from a research project I had done for him years ago when I was working for a theater producer in New York City.  I had written to David after I moved to Los Angeles, but had never heard  back from him.  I knew he was busy with his new TV pilot, “Mulholland Drive,” but that was about it.  I had sent him a holiday card just to keep in touch, and much to my surprise, he called.  David wanted to talk to me about his new website, DavidLynch.com, and asked if I’d help him organize some ideas.  I went over to his house and had a “cup of Joe” and we chatted about the Internet.  David told me about his frustrations with the television networks, and how he wanted to film ideas for the Internet because it gave him total freedom.  He was also going to charge for his ideas, which was very revolutionary at the time.  People were not used to paying anything outside what they paid their service provider, but he argued that unless he charged he’d go bankrupt, and if the fans were getting good material they’d be okay with a monthly fee that was basically the price of one lunch.  David began spouting out these ideas, and I just started writing them down. 

And that’s how it began.  Suddenly, I was producing shorts with him for DavidLynch.com.  We had a blast. I was so nervous, but with David you could do no wrong.  He was so nice and encouraging about everything, and he loved the “happy accident.”  David taught me to focus on what’s in front of the lens, not to fixate on what’s in your head, for if you’re too trapped in your own head you might miss something magical that’s right there under your nose.  David wanted to shoot a music video for his band Blue Bob, for the song “Thank you, Judge” (which is available on DavidLynch.com)  We found a house in the valley and courtroom to film in, and he cast Naomi Watts as the ex-wife who gets everything.  The day before shooting,  David threw out that I was going to play Naomi’s cheesy new boyfriend, which we all agreed was perfect typecasting.  So for the final shot, I put on a suit and sunglasses and held a cheap box of chocolates in one arm and Naomi in the other, smiling and waving to the camera.

There are endless stories about working with David, and I got to sit with him and transfer “Eraserhead” onto hi-def, which was a treat.  David doesn’t do director’s commentaries, but I got to listen to him tell a few stories here and there, so it was like having a private commentary.   One day Marlon Brando came over to discuss filming a “tea party” in drag, but that never materialized.  It was as surreal as you could imagine, and after we said we wished we had filmed just that encounter since it was just so bizarre to watch Brando drink Snapple, eat a tomato, and talk about how he must have “very real breasts” for the segment.  I just listened and absorbed everything I could. I spent about four months with David filming these various shorts, all the while taking time to go to meetings with Noah at various networks to try and resurrect “Chowdaheads” as a half hour animated series.  The whole show was done in our Boston accents, so we were pitching it as “King of the Hill” but set in Massachusetts.

The closest we came was at MTV in February 2000, but were ultimately told that they were no longer doing animated shows.  We couldn’t understand – “Beavis and Butthead” was such a huge hit and we felt like we had the next one, but they said they were now only doing this new thing called “reality” programming.  Animation, at least for them, was dead.  But thankfully there was this new craze flush with cash: the Internet.  Our agents set us up at a new site called Z.com that had millions of dollars from Wall Street investors.  The CEO loved “Chowdaheads” and wanted to continue it as a web series, but Noah and I said we would let them have it if they made our other show first – a stop-motion series called “The Rotten Fruit.”

“The Rotten Fruit” was a “Davey and Goliath”-type idea that Noah and I dreamed up about a band of foul mouthed British hooligan fruit that looked cute and adorable but did horrible, violent, deviant things.  The idea was so bizarre that we actually went to World Art Supply and built the characters out of clay, then made a shoebox diorama to set them up in.  We drove around the diorama in the back of my 1984 Saab to meetings, often bringing execs out to the parking lot where we’d dance around the figures and do the voices.  This seemed really, really funny to us.  Amazingly, Z.com went for it, and gave us $40,000 to make a pilot.  This enabled me to hire additional animators and builders (I was one of the main animators even though I hadn’t done stop motion since I was twelve) and spend money on cameras and a killer sound mix.  It was my biggest directing job to date, and in April of 2000 I spent 3 weeks in my friend Roy’s garage animating the pilot episode with an animator I had worked with on “Chowdaheads” named David Candelaria.  “Chowadheads” was supposed to air on TNT, so we even though it never aired we had to tone it way down from the original idea, which was a series called “Massholes.”  The internet brought us new freedom, the freedom to use any word we wanted.  Or so we thought.

Over the decade I kept a fairly detailed journal, so in an effort to not romanticize things or rewrite history, here are a few excepts of my life over the last ten years.  I removed or changed the names of studio execs I fought with and girls I dated to spare them the embarrassment.

>>>NEXT: Rotten Fruit in the Snake Pit
(Click here to see a photogallery and here to print.)

What you need to know: Ronna Glickman and Beverly Ginsberg are two Jewish divorcees living in Boston and promoting their new self-help (and self-published) book, “You’ll Do A Little Better Next Time: A Guide To Marriage And Remarriage For Jewish Singles.” In this scene, Ronna takes Beverly to the hospital to check out a maybe-lump in her breast, and will get her seen NOW, dammit. As for Beverly, she maybe likes babies a little too much. Oy. I know these women and am pretty sure you do, too.

Watch a previous clip here or catch “Ronna & Beverly” on Showtime tomorrow night (Dec. 29th at 12a/9p ET/PST).

But all that aside — it’s damn funny. I’d seen the pilot but watched it again last night and cracked up anew, catching little things I’d missed the first time around. Denbo’s Beverly is the clueless, blurty Thelma to her partner’s Louise, and has more of the slapsticky moments, but Jessica Chaffin’s Ronna cracked me up multiple times with her interjections into Beverly’s often cringe-inducing ramblings, and her reactive facial expressions speak volumes. (Beverly gets some action in the pilot with her handyman, Ray Natoli, who is hired to instal a mini-fridge by her bed – that’s not all he installed! – but if this pilot gets picked up I will be very interested to see the more tightly-controlled Ronna get a love interest. I it will be interesting to watch this woman who operates within such a rigid structure of rules get shaken up. Also, I want to see a flashback to the scene at Ronna’s son’s Bar Mitzvah where Beverly showed up wearing the same dress as Ronna.)

Anyhow – the first online clip as far as I can tell is below, exclusively at Mediaite because a few people we follow on Twitter reminded us to set our DVR. What do you think?

As I mentioned in my piece yesterday, I know and am friends with Chaffin, Denbo and Kohan, but Feig I’ve just admired from afar. Bias declared, but also, as I said yesterday, I was a fan before I knew any of them

That’s what’s happening right now to Ronna & Beverly.

Ronna & Beverly are two Jewish divorcees of a certain age pushing their dating self-help book, You’ll Do a Little Better Next Time: A Guide To Marriage and Remarriage For Jewish Singles. They’re pushy, impolitic, materialistic, neurotic and completely without a filter. They are occasionally shocking, eerily familiar, and pretty damn hilarious.

Ronna & Bev are not real people — except insofar as you may be have grown up around them, or
God forbid, be related to them. They are the incarnation of your worst Jewish mother-in-law or Passover seder nightmare, created by LA-based comedians Jessica Chaffin and Jamie Denbo, longtime fixtures of the LA comedy club scene — and now, the subject of a new Showtime pilot that just might have a shot.

Called “a Jewish ‘Ab Fab’” by Variety, Chaffin and Denbo originated Ronna & Bev four years ago this Hanukkah (and have sported the same black leather pants and/or the same egregious lipliner ever since), but this is the first time they’ve ventured into scripted territory. Their stage show has bits, of course, but it’s in the vein of ‘outlandish character interviews real person’ à la Ali G or Zach Galifianakis, except with less angry newspeople or awkward silences. It’s largely improvised and usually features big names from the LA-NY comedy/entertainment scene: Will Arnett, Amy Poeler, Jon Hamm, Eli Roth, Ed Helms, Kate Walsh and New Kid on the Block Joey McIntyre, plus comedy-world faves like Paul F. Tompkins and Jim Gaffigan. They cover ground from gossip to current events to politics to please say hello to your mother, and audiences on both coasts were eating it up, so they got together with Weeds creator/executive producer Jenji Kohan — who had cast them both in Weeds based on loving the characters — and decided to take it to the next level.

(It is at this point that I disclose that I am friends with Chaffin, Denbo & Kohan, but go ahead and check out the audience response to the videos below, and you can be the judge. But also, I saw Ronna & Bev long before I knew them personally, and found them just as hilarious. I should also disclose that as a Jewess of a Certain Age I may be predisposed to find their schtick funny, but also, I’ve known a few Ronna Glickman and Beverly Ginsbergs in my time. Anyhow, Ronna and Beverly are not exactly the story.)

What is the story: What happened after. Chaffin, Denbo and Kohan co-wrote the script, and Kohan exec-produced it for Showtime and Lionsgate TV, directed by Freaks & Geeks creator Paul Feig, who has also directed episodes of The Office, Arrested Development, 30 Rock, Weeds and Parks & Recreation. Alas, despite strong feedback from Showtime, the network did not pick it up, or any pilots, for that matter.

Which brings us to now. A few weeks ago, Showtime told the pair that “Ronna & Beverly” would get an air date after all — for ‘amortization‘ by Showtime (i.e. to write off as a loss), but still, an air date is an air date. Furthermore that air date is actually a few air dates, and not during the graveyard shift, either: “Ronna & Beverly” airs tonight at 9:05 p.m. on the East Coast, and just after midnight (so technically tomorrow morning) at 12:05 a.m. on the West Coast — and airs again at the same times on Dec. 29th.

So now what? Promote the hell out of it. Per Variety:

The upcoming airings are strictly an amortization move by Showtime, but Chaffin and Denbo are marshalling the power of Facebook et al and their friends in the comedy community to spread the word about “Ronna and Beverly’s” TV bow.

Which means tweets from the following yesterday alone: Rob Corddry ( 1,269,115 followers), Time magazine’s Joel Stein (1,023,182 followers), The Sarah Silverman Show’s Steve Agee (1,083,962 followers), The Daily Show’s Rob Riggle (997,858 followers), Diablo Cody (115,202 followers), Reno 911‘s Thomas Lennon (29,037 followers), Wet Hot American Summer‘s David Wain (26,519 followers), Human Giant’s Paul Scheer (25,900 followers) — and already tons of retweets from all these people, plus from director Feig (1,095,766 followers).

Similar cross-pollination is going on at Facebook, but Twitter is really where results are being so quickly seen. Even if a lot of the same people follow the slice of the comedy world above, still — what an audience to put on alert in a flash — and what a signal to send to followers that, huh, all these people are tweeting about this, I should check it out. I’ve written before about the viewing power of the comedy community via Funny or Die, and the Upright Citizen’s Brigade community (with which there is plenty of overlap) also has a powerful, interconnected network of people which has begun mobilizing (Scheer and Riggle are prominent members, but so are people you may not know but are big in the UCB world like Jackie Clarke, Eliza Skinner, Nick Kroll, Seth Herzog and Justin Purnell, all of whom have tweeted about the show).

And all this before the Jews even get in on the action. Let alone the Jewish mothers. Oy.

Will it result in viewership? Who knows — reading a tweet does not necessarily correspond to IRL action (that’s “In Real Life” in cyber-speak for you newbies out there). But there’s no question that this is a new model for marketing a TV show, especially at the pilot stage, and if Showtime executives are smart they’ll watch not only how “Ronna & Beverly” performs tonight on each coast, but also how the word builds online and whether that moves the needle on Dec. 29th. Who knows if Showtime meant to give Ronna & Bev a fighting chance by choosing these windows — they could have scheduled it at 3 am and left it at that — but the positive buzz building for the show, as well as the years of relationships that Denbo and Chaffin have built in that community seem now to be coming home to roost. (I bet Feig wishes there had been an Internet back in the time of Freaks & Geeks.)

Either way, this is once again a fascinating story of not only how the Internet is changing things, but how social relationships on the Internet can matter so very much — especially when those relationships are with key influencers in niche communities. It’s early yet, but I’d say Ronna & Bev are well on their way to tapping into something interesting. We’ll see if it translates to ratings. Showtime, you really should be paying attention.

(p.s. This isn’t a review of the pilot, though I’ve seen it — I found it hysterical, though since Ronna & Bev are outlandish characters who say mortifying things, well, warning: you may be mortified. Right from the start. Contains some excellent pink outfits, some nudity, a sex scene that made my jaw drop, a surprisingly tender moment after and an exhortation not to wear a sweatsuit in public. Also contains trayf.)

It’s Showtime For Ronna & Beverly [On The Air - Variety]
Ronna & Beverly – Schedule [Showtime]
Showtime gives “Ronna & Beverly” a shot at midnight to spread the Jewish Ab-Fab word [The Comic's Comic]

Related:
‘Weeds’ creator to co-write ‘Ronna and Beverly’ [Variety]
Jenji Kohan Creates “Ronna and Beverly” for Showtime [My Urban Kvetch]

>>>NEXT: Ronna & Bev Interview Will Arnett, Rachel Dratch, Eli Roth and Have A Message For Baruch Obama

“Ronna & Beverly” airs on Showtime tonight (9:05 pm east coast and 12:05 am west coast, technically tomorrow.)

But anyway, back to Eli Roth. So, I have never much liked horror movies, and his particular brand of movie — dubbed “torture porn” by New York‘s David Edelstein, which has stuck as the name of the genre, with him at the head — seemed like a clear miss for me. (Never mind that I have since learned that he is involved in the remake of the horror movie that pushed me over the edge back at a sleepover party when I was 11.) But then I got into a debate about it with a good friend, who bitched me out for taking such an extreme position without actually having seen his movies. She had a point. So, what I have seen: Inglorious Basterds (which I loved and in which he was not un-handsome), a commercial he did in support of PETA, the “Thanksgiving” trailer (okay, admittedly through squinted eyes — but hey, I turn off CSI too), an interview where he talked about having Quentin Tarantino over to his family’s house for Passover, his interview with my friends Ronna & Beverly at the UCB in Los Angeles, his Twitter feed, and “Jew/Not A Jew” yesterday with Harvey Levin. So — my interest in highlighting him on Mediaite is an educated, informed and evolved one. Also, maybe he can introduce me to Til Schweiger.

Actually Roth is a pretty interesting new-media animal — he’s taken to Twitter like a duck to water, used his MySpace page as a forum for complaining about piracy issues, and recently engaged in what he described as “one of the funniest, weirdest social experiments ever” with his fans (who are very devoted, and call themselves “Blueberries” — seriously). The experiment was cybersex en masse via the blog Oh No They Didn’t, and included phrases like “Blueberry pics got me twittering one handed.” The way Roth uses the internet to challenge the usual fourth wall is interesting, and the kind of access he provides is all the more so as his star ramps up as Basterds begins its high-profile march towards Award Season. Love him or hate him — and if there’s one thing the Internet will tell you, there is passionate feeling on both sides — but Eli Roth is one interesting mofo. Also, he’s made his Papa so proud. I thought he’d be a good interview and I was right, so please enjoy his NSFW entry into the canon of our 5QQ – Five Quick Questions.

1. How do you get your first news of the day?

This might seem old fashioned, but I have a troubadour who shows up at my house in pantaloons playing a lute, and he serenades me the morning news while I have my oatmeal. It’s this guy Steve, from Pomona. It’s a service he does for a lot of directors, you’d be surprised.

2. Either, Or (you gotta pick one!):

Scarier in a dark alley: Cnl. Landa or the Bear Jew?

Bear Jew. Landa doesn’t like to get his hands dirty, unless you’re a double crossing German movie star. Then I’d watch out.

Scarier in a dark alley: You or Harvey Levin? (It appears you share a trainer?)

Me. Then again, Harvey has terrified me by jumping out with a camera before. I think it’s a pretty equal matchup, we’re both scariest when we have cameras in our hands. But I’d like to say I’m scarier because I know it will irritate Harvey slightly.

CAGEMATCH:

Saw or Friday The 13th

Friday the 13th. Jason can’t be killed, although Jigsaw tends to do his best work from beyond the grave, so after the match Jason’s kind of fucked.

vs. the winner of

The Shining or Jaws ?

The Shining. I’d put that weird bear man against Bruce the shark any day. And Jason wouldn’t last two nights in that hotel.

CAGEMATCH:

Battleship Potemkin or Why We Fight

Battleship Potemkin. People are still imitating the Odessa Steps scene, I actually gave it a nod in “Nation’s Pride” with the baby carriage sequence. (Which you can see in its entirety on the DVD – out today! Ahem.)

vs. the winner of:

Triumph of the Will or Starship Troopers?

Starship Troopers. No disrespect to Frau Riefenstahl, but that scene at the outpost trumps all that pageantry shit. And I’d put the bugs against the baby carriage any day, the bugs would totally suck that baby’s brains out.

Quentin Tarantino on Passover or Christoph Walz on Yom Kippur?

Tough call. Here’s the difference, on Passover we’re teaching Quentin things, and on Yom Kippur we just sit around and listen as Christoph schools us all in Judaism. The guy knows more about anything than anyone I know. I’d say Quentin on Passover because at the end of the night I feel smarter, and with Christoph I get depressed at how little I paid attention in Hebrew School.

Who would you rather cast, Bill O’Reilly or Glenn Beck?

O’Reilly. If only so I can put him in a scene with a chimp and watch it rip his balls and face off.

3. What’s the biggest story the media has missed this year? (Or last week):

Tiger Woods. I can’t believe nobody’s talking about this.

4. Obligatory Twitter Question: Describe yourself in 140 characters or less (hash tag optional!)

Off the top of my head… 25% Guido Anselmi, 15% Han Solo, 30% Donnie Donowitz, and 100% Alvie Singer. The other 136 I’d have to think about more.

5. Are you nervous or excited about the future of media? Why?

Nervous. We’re fucked. There are zero standards for journalism anymore. Nobody fact checks anything. Not only that, what qualifies for news is terrifying. I talked about how I briefly worked as an online sex operator in college to pay for my student films and it wound up on the home page of BBC World News. I’ve been talking about this for years, it’s on my IMDB page, but suddenly now the news on Earth was so slow this became a top story. It’s both hilarious and terrifying, and oddly flattering.

I do think that once the world implodes and all forms of communication are decimated the only way we’ll have to communicate is through storytelling, poetry, and song. That’s why I have a Troubadour now, I actually feel I’m living ahead of the curve.

Bonus question: As you know, I am scared of horror movies. As you also know, I have sworn to watch at least one of yours. I will let you pick. Which one? (p.s. Am I allowed to watch on mute?)

Sorry, I fell asleep reading that last quesssssssssttzzzzzzz……

Well, I guess I deserved that. Okay, “Nation’s Pride” on the Inglorious Basterds DVD it is! Seriously, it was awesome, and I can’t wait to watch it again. Thanks to Eli Roth for his typical frankness. More where that came from in a few collected videos on the next page.

>>>NEXT: The Bear Jew, and also, Pesach with Quentin!

Photo of Roth toasting his Basterds poster by Jeff Vespa/Time & Life Pictures

So! All this brings me to “Jew/Not A Jew,” an impressive four-part showdown between Roth and TMZ founding editor Harvey Levin, also a Jew. TMZ originally caught Roth coming out of a private Inglorious Basterds screening held for rabbis (oh, to be a fly on that wall) and lobbed a few Jew-dentification questions at him: James Franco? Kate Hudson? Pink? Adam Lambert? Surprisingly, the answers were: Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew. Back in the home office, Levin was agonizing over the answers too — so they brought Roth in to go, in TMZ’s words, “Menorah-a-Menorah” for Chanukah. Roth came in straight from the gym (and a million Blueberries swoon) — and took off his workout gloves, but kept on his yarmulke. Levin, for his part, pulled out his own yarmulke, and it was on — complete with jokes like “I drink your matzo ball soup” (Daniel Day Lewis: Jew, Not A Jew?) and much kibbutzing.

The final video is of a menorah a menorah interview with Roth, who probably should have pointed out that Inglorious Basterds comes out on DVD tomorrow, but otherwise chats with Levin about his chainsaw bar mitzvah, growing up in Jewton, Massachusetts, Tiger Woods, and how his psychiatrist father argued to young Eli’s principal in favor of his healthy boyhood expression. (Recommended reading: “My Son Killed Adolf Hitler” in the Jewish Journal by Dr. Sheldon Roth.) BTW, those who have seen Basterds will be a little blown away to learn that Christoph Walz — aka the Jew-hunting Colonel Landa — had Yom Kippur with Eli’s family. Yipes. I hope there was milk.

Are you kvelling yet? Good. Now go put on a sweater. Videos below.

Also, our Thanksgiving day marathon of top movie and TV Thanksgiving moments, which you can alternately choose to watch whilst stuck in a plane, train, or automobile or, when you need a break from being asked to explain to family members what exactly it is you write about on the Internet all day long. Fortunately! Some of these movies are available in their entirety on YouTube…meaning someone had their family Thanksgiving cap on. Anyway, enjoy it now, enjoy it later and if you have suggestions feel free to leave in the comments and we will do our best to add. In the meantime, have a safe Getaway Day and a Happy Thanksgiving.

Planes, Trains, And Automobiles

Home For the Holidays

As God Is My Witness, I Thought Turkeys Could Fly

Miracle On 34th St.

Hannah And Her Sisters

The Ice Storm

Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving At The West Wing

Pieces Of April

Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving (NSFW)

But then I saw Inglorious Basterds, and was conflicted, because I loved that movie and also, he was pretty hot. In my subsequent nerdy research on it (btw Quentin Taratino on Charlie Rose may be the best ep you’ll ever see), I discovered that Roth had actually been a bit of a Jew-mentor to Tarantino, which was interesting, so I checked out his Twitter. It’s clearly a personal Twitter, for about 12K loyal followers, and from it I learned that Roth had shot a commercial for PETA, which was confusing (“Eli Roth speaks out against violence”…wha?) and, today, that glitter doesn’t wash easily out of chest hair (oh, the perils of being a Bear Jew).

(As a side note, there is a lot of fetishism that comes up when you Google “Bear Jew.”)

But the most interesting thing I learned from Roth’s Twitter was this: He’s been this way his whole life. He discovered his old sketchbook from sixth grade and posted Twitpics of the…artwork he found there. Turns out young Eli enjoyed drawing pictures of people being stabbed, impaled, shot, hung and vivisected by chainsaws. His notebook cover says as much: “Warning: This Contains Tohture.”

Writes Roth: “It’s kind of awesome and depressing to realize that all your ideas came from 6th grade.” This next illustration does show an impressive attention to detail: the protruding tongue of the hanged man; the oversized exit wound from the bullet hole; the gushing blood from the detatched leg; the “Power On/Off” switch, presumably for some sort of electrocution.

>>>NEXT: Bear Jew, Tohture, Mom & Hitler

What is a “Horror” film per se? What makes it different from, say, a “Thriller?”

Nowadays the difference is mostly body count. But it’s also the place the film takes you – a good horror movie will go much darker into the human psyche. It’ll do things that you really can’t believe were done on screen. A thriller will keep you in suspense, but it won’t keep you up at night. The Game left you freaked out for a little while, but Wes Craven will make you turn on every light in your house and buy a doberman.

Does Jaws qualify? How about Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus? (Sorry, I just wanted to make a reference to Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.)

I think creature movies (both good and bad – King Cobra was in the latter category, but it was still awesome) are some of the best horror out there — because they confront us with our own physical weakness in the face of animals, as well as the horror that is man’s attitude towards nature. Just watch any creature film, from great to awful — Jaws, Lake Placid, Anaconda, Deep Blue Sea, or yes, Mega Shark v. Giant Octopus. You’ll find these films are all about how we harass, degrade and destroy animals that are more powerful than we are. It’s pretty tragic.

Jaws is in its own category – it packs every fear and neurosis humans can muster (the unknown, mortality, water, the elements) into one film. It is a movie I think about every time I enter a large body of water. What other movie has that kind of effect on your psyche, on a permanent basis? Plus it is the master of creating fear without ever showing the monster (until Bruce makes his first appearance towards the end)

What’s your favorite Horror genre? (Slasher pics, demonic possession, girls going into a spooky house and deciding to take a shower, etc. etc. etc.)

Slasher flicks have a very interesting place in society – they’re perfect barometers of cultural and social standards at the time. The moral code set out by the Friday the 13th movies, which graduates to the post-irony of the Scream films. (The Friday the 13thmoral code: having sex will get you killed. The Final Girl is the pure, virginal one. Every teen who has sex or does drugs dies a horrible gory death.) But hands down my favorite are creature movies. Even terrible ones. I’ve seen Anaconda maybe 12 times, and I root for the snake every damn time.

Talk to me about Rosemary’s Baby and The Exorcist. Do they still hold up? What are the pillars of the genre? (Poltergeist, The Shining, Hallowe’en?)

Rosemary’s Baby absolutely holds up – it creates a timeless element of vulnerability and self-doubt. When you are totally at the mercy of people (ahem, men) who are telling you you’re crazy, but in your heart you KNOW something is very very wrong – that is the definition of terror. The Exorcist, I hate to say, doesn’t really hold up. Sure, the crucifix scene is still shocking, but we’ve come so far with CGI that many of the effects just look silly. Plus I’ve seen too many interviews with Linda Blair complaining about how the green slime smelled awful and stained her dress. Sort of spoils the effect.

Can you explain to me why Paranormal Activity is scary but Slither is funny? (NB: The Slither poster looked like a tiny army of sundried tomatoes joining a girl in the bath.)

All good horror incorporates humor – the line between horror and humor is very thin. We laugh as a defense mechanism whenever we’re confronted with something terrifying that we can’t quite process. Paranormal Activity has some very funny moments – granted, they’re deliberate laughs, and a bit contrived (the boyfriend trying to trick his girl into having sex in front of the camera by insisting “Oh no, that flashing red light is just the battery turning off!”). But the contrast between those light moments and the demon effects make the scares all the more potent.

Slither is basically a big post-modern homage to all the body-gore of films like Cronenberg and Re-Animator and anything Clive Barker. It’s a totally ironic film that pokes fun at itself all the time – and manages to totally gross you out at the same time.

Let’s talk about where Horror meets Camp. There’s a big difference between Rosemary’s Baby and Army of Darkness. Is it still horror if it’s winking at you?

Sure, in that they both belong in the genre. Army of Darkness broke some new ground – certainly you hadn’t seen too many films in which the strapping leading man tore apart a witch with a chain saw. It’s less psychological and more experiential – but both are taking you places you aren’t used to going in polite conversation. Both challenge the viewer. And implant some terrifying images (Bruce, may your beautiful face never again be zombified and oozing black goo)

Eli Roth: Explain it to me. I am conflicted. I thought he was hot in Inglorious Basterds, but the whole Torture Porn thing makes me ill. Help?

I’m actually devoting an entire column to Eli Roth. He deserves his own discussion. Well, maybe not “deserves” – but he’s getting it anyway.

Dude, you are this gigantic feminist. How can you stomach these flicks that are all about carving up nubile young girls?

I don’t really think that’s true – sure, there are the slasher flicks, but the boys really do get it as much as the girls. And movies like When a Stranger Calls or Wait Until Dark that prey on female vulnerability perform a service – they allow men to enter a world where they’re always physically vulnerable. I used to live with a man who was 6’3″ and 210 pounds. I once said to him: “You have no idea what it’s like to walk down the street as me.” He simply had no concept of being less physically powerful than just about any man he encountered – which, let’s face it, is my reality. Watching movies like this gave him a window into my world. Plus women are getting SO much more power in horror films these days- Have you SEEN Hard Candy?

For the love of God, why do they insist on making Saw VI???

Because it’s the most important film series ever made! And because every sequel means another $60 mill in domestic box office sales for Lionsgate.

How many bolts do you have on your door?

Many. And a rabid St. Bernard sired by Cujo waiting behind them. (hear that, Rush Limbaugh fans?)

Gimme your ten top horror flicks. This is a great excuse for a slideshow.

>>>Next: SLIDESHOW! The Horror Chick’s Top Ten Horror Flicks (Includes Nothing From Eli Roth)