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SPOILER ALERT! Turns out that the performers on the insanely commercialized Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade MAY NOT BE PERFORMING LIVE. I know, I know. This is tough news for many to take at face value, however, I present evidence of American Idol contestant Scott McCreery, who either is a talented ventriloquist, or missed his cue altogether. Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Woo, woo, woo.

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Singer and perfumer Justin Bieber was tackled and knocked to the ground this afternoon by a man who jumped a barricade outside a New York City Macy’s. The teen pop star was visiting the store to promote his new fragrance, “Someday.”

Bieber fought back against the man. He was startled, but is reportedly uninjured and was able to return to his promoting duties. His attacker was given a summons for disorderly conduct.

Malls are retail newspapers. They are professionally curated assemblages of commercialism, vulnerable to simple tools that get the job done more specifically and rapidly. Nowadays, it’s far easier and more personalized to fulfill a shopping list online, putting together your own virtual mall from which you buy only what you’re interested in, skipping over the online equivalents of Cinnabon and the sunglasses kiosk. Not to mention parking.