The original book installations have sold over 85 million copies — a rare home run these days for the publishing industry. The first film, against many expectations (“We just thought we were making a little cult movie,” says cast member Ashley Greene), grossed over $385 million domestically. And the saga’s second chapter, New Moon — if Entertainment Weekly’s slavish drooling is any indication — will also be a mega-hit.

Like it or not — like any wildly popular series, Twilight has many haters — but the saga is part of our literary zeitgeist, a cultural touchstone that even the anti-sparkly can’t avoid. And just like the Potter series, one just can’t help internally casting their favorite media figures as characters in the saga.

After all, if there’s any mythic creature that media characters resemble, we think “soulless vampires” and “werewolves” come pretty close.

Here’s our take on the media, Forks style.

Charlie Swan: Geraldo Rivera

He’s protective. He’s obsessed with crime. He just looks Dad-like. He’s got a moustache. Bella Swan’s overbearing pop, or Geraldo Rivera? Totes interchangable.

Renee Swan: Kathie Lee Gifford

Stephenie Meyer never explicitly states it in the series, but Bella’s mama is a hot mess. Described as “erratic and scatterbrained,” she acts first and thinks later. We picture her as the kind of woman who would flirt inapropriately with Bella’s high school friends after one too many gin and tonics. She has the best intentions, though — but still, Bella is grown-up in that relationship. She’s loud, excitable, and somewhat incomprehensible at times. Sound like a certain 4th hour host to you? Thought so.

Bella Swan: Ana Marie Cox

In the Twilight saga, almost everyone (except for some meanie vampires) loves Bella Swan. Young, lovely, but with attitude — sounds a lot like Ana Marie Cox, who spread the sunlight of blogging onto the Forks-style darkness of MSM political media. Okay maybe that’s reaching. But she’s maintained her outsider cred even while becoming one of them (oh look, there she is reviewing Palin’s book in the Washington Post!). Ana has way more spine than Twilight’s titular character (and swears more), but they certainly share the ability to collect fans: Cox is one of the top media folks on Twitter with 1.3 million followers and counting (ahead of Newt Gingrich, yo). And that little WaPo icon with Tucker Carlson almost looks like a Twilight poster.

>>>NEXT: Which media members represent the Cullen family?

You won’t believe this: it has only been one year since the live action stars of teen vampire sensation Twilight infiltrated popular culture. And part of the reason they seem like such fixtures of celebrity already — apart from their impossible good looks, effortless cool and high-powered marketing machine — is their presence in print and command of their image. Flattering pictures may not be hard to come by when you’re young and playing magical characters, but from this charming Vanity Fair spread to the endless tabloid fabrications, the kids always come out looking all right.

With this weekend’s release of the latest entry in “The Twilight Saga:” New Moon, it’s safe to say a new publicity blitz is upon us. Until now, stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have been the face of the group, but upcoming covers have been confirmed including new heartthrob Taylor Lautner (who plays Jacob) on Rolling Stone and a cast photo for Entertainment Weekly, but as you’ll see below, newsstands are already bleeding Twilight blood. Does the cast work best as an ensemble or do they have the star power to go out solo? In this edition of Cover Wars, we remember the classic covers from the Twilight franchise, knowing full well that many more are now in print. We’ll call it The Greatest Twilight Cover So Far. Here are the contenders:

Their debut cover, a July 2008 issue of Entertainment Weekly, was initially met with derision by the Twilight faithful, weary of seeing their favorite book series come to life. “That’s Edward?” they thought. But it might have been the final note of dissent — that, or the haters were drowned out by the screaming droves who quickly fell in love. The photo is cheesy, to be sure, but something about it made certain that it was the first of many.

Mediaite Grade (B-): The pale skin is too white. His sandy blonde hair seems off. An apple insinuates an incorrect fairy tale. The pair looks uncomfortable together, not drawn together by irresistible passion. And yet… maybe only in retrospect, but the B-movie feel of the cover is an apt introduction to the campy film, all glittery torsos and vampire baseball. And for Kirsten and Rob, it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship…

Are they the hip young versions of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Probably — at least in the sense that their tabloid covers seem endless. Every time you step into the checkout line at a grocery store Stewart’s big bored eyes and Pattison’s glare are staring back at you, and in that sense, this OK! cover represents a much larger canon of tabloid Twilight. They’re as interchangeable as they are ubiquitous.

Mediaite Grade (C-): If you’re a fan of the celebrity romance, this is an easy one to buy into. It’s vague enough to be mysterious and picturesque enough to make for enjoyable covers. But that doesn’t mean it’s not dishonest. For instance, this issue of OK! uses a staged award show still with the headline “Yes! They’re in love.” And that’s to say nothing of “Obsessed With Each Other” or “Twilight Fight!” or… “Engaged!” Yikes.

>>>NEXT: Kristen and Rob Go Solo!

“Sitting through this experience is like driving a pickup in low gear though a sullen sea of Brylcreem. ”

–Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun Times

In a blistering review, famed film critic Roger Ebert slammed the much anticipated sequel The Twilight Saga: New Moon. In fairness, there were many soundbites to choose from:

• The characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan. Never have teenagers been in greater need of a jump-start. Granted some of them are more than 100 years old, but still: their charisma is by Madame Tussaud.

• “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” takes the tepid achievement of “Twilight”, guts it, and leaves it for undead.

• You know you’re in trouble with a sequel when the word of mouth advises you to see the first movie twice instead. Obviously the characters all have.

• Long opening stretches of this film make utterly no sense unless you walk in knowing the first film, and hopefully both Stephanie Meyer novels, by heart.

But from what we’ve seen so far, we narrowed it down to four: the initial EW cover featuring Edward and Bella, the Kirsten Stewart/Robert Pattinson OK! tabloid fare, Stewart solo on Interview and Pattinson doing GQ alone. For her stellar career year and a sleek cover design, we gave the title to Interview and Stewart, but the poll results had a different take. The winner?

Robert Pattinson on GQ

He captured over 50% of the votes, with Stewart’s Interview coming in second place with 33%, and the other two totaling less than 10% each. A lot of credit goes to the RobPattzNews Twitter feed for getting out the vote. Here’s the breakdown in graph form: