Really, it doesn’t get much better than that does it? It’s much funnier than the original headline from the Tampa Bay Fox 13 story they’re citing: “Police: Man says he was bitten by vampire.” That’s probably because the story itself isn’t really all that funny.

From Fox 13:

“The attack sent 69-year-old Milton Ellis to the hospital and put the accused vampire, 22-year-old Josephine Rebecca Smith, in jail.

…

‘After he fell asleep on the ground, he claims that she attacked him, started yelling that she was a vampire, that she was going to eat him and started biting him by his face and body,’ [St. Petersburg Police Department's Mike] Puetz said.

Somehow he made his way back to the Shell station in his wheelchair with blood still oozing from bite marks on his neck.

Ellis called police and told them that the woman who attacked him referred to herself as a vampire.

Police said Smith doesn’t remember anything.

They found her on the porch at Hooters half naked and covered in Ellis’ blood. Police say she had not been assaulted in any way.

‘It seems more like a psychotic reaction or a maybe a drug-induced psychological reaction,’ said Dr. Laura Umfer.”

Yeah. A woman having a horrible reaction either due to drugs or serious mental issues and then violently assaulting a helpless guy in a wheelchair isn’t exactly laugh out loud hilarious. Oh well. We’ll always have that headline, right? We can forget the unpleasant details of the actual story and just remember the thrill we got reading that beautiful sentence from the wordsmiths at the Post, a simple sentence that promised us vampires, old people, and maybe girls in tiny orange shorts. To quote the old Hooters slogan, the headline is delightfully tacky, yet very much refined.

Watch a news report on the story from Fox 13 below:

“Texas Hold Up,” the front cover reads, referring to the nature of the teammate duel, which appears to stem from an unpaid poker debt of $25,000. The Washington Wizards players high stakes gambling “ended in ‘draw!’” according to the notoriously headline-happy paper.

Arenas pulled three guns and placed them on a chair by Crittenton’s locker in an apparent bid to intimidate the third-year player, the sources said.

Arenas, 27, told his teammate to pick one of the weapons, and Crittenton, 22, shot back that he had one of his own, the insiders said.

At some point, the players had guns drawn on each other, but no shots were fired.

Oh, and “They called each other’s bluff.” Find more puns here and check a large version of the cover below:

In the 36-page lawsuit, the former associate editor at the paper brings claims of not only political bias, but racial insensitivity, prejudiced hiring practices, rampant sexism and corruption. She was routinely mocked in a racist manner due to her Hispanic heritage, she alleges, and the suit notes that the last five employees fired by the paper’s publisher have been people of color.

“[W]ithin the four walls of the Post exists a hostile work environment where female employees and employees of color have been subjected to pervasive and systemic discrimination and/or unlawful harassment based on their gender, race, color and/or national origin,” the lawsuit reads. “The Post, and its parent corporation, News Corporation,” the suit continues, “maintain, condone, tolerate, directly participate in and contribute to a hostile work environment.”

Singled out is the Post editor-in-chief Col Allan, who Guzman describes as a sexually aggressive and crude alpha-male, known for propositioning employees and even allegedly showing women pictures of a naked man on his cellphone. To hear Guzman tell it, he’s a regular Sean Salisbury. Not to mention the Post‘s bread and butter! From Isiah Thomas to Steve Philips, the Post has not traditionally been kind to the sexual harassment ilk. Imagine tomorrow’s Post headlines should a rival paper be charged in this way!

Guzman alleges that, as the only female editor of color at the paper, she often complained to her supervisors, human resources and management, but her standing as a respected Latina journalist was always outweighed by the hostile work environment.

Crass party anecdotes and in-office misogyny pepper the court documents with an unsettling amount of detail. The Post has yet to comment publicly on the allegations, but to call the suit initially damning seems apt, as the paper has never appeared as a particularly sensitive or nurturing enterprise. Still, as its business struggles continue, a New York Knicks-style lawsuit couldn’t have come at a worse time. Not that there’s ever a good time for naked cellphone pictures or West Side Story-referencing racism.

The Daily News must be salivating.

The full text of the lawsuit is below: