Backup: I enjoy nicknames, not unlike, I suppose, George W. Bush. My most successful nickname to date has been “BriWi” which I coined as shorthand for Brian Williams in mid-2007, and which has been used, I’m pleased to say, by luminaries like Jon Stewart and Jimmy Fallon. I am hoping to do the same for “Shmarmont.”

Now back to the fabled hotel. Sofia Coppola‘s new film, Somewhere, stars Stephen Dorff as an actor living at the hotel, living a life of Hollywood decadence with its upside of money, fame and glamour with a downside of loneliness, emptiness and existentialist angst. He wakes up one morning to a visit from his daughter. Cue character development. In this film, Coppola has made the Chateau Marmont a character, and since it’s such an iconic institution so beloved by LA denizens and followers of such things, that bit of stunt casting add an extra element of excitement and anticipation to the film (with some fretting that its magic wouldn’t be Lost in Translation. Sorry. Couldn’t resist).

The film opened last week (admission: I haven’t seen it, and even though it might earn me scorn from film geeks everywhere, I actually only learned of it from CBS this morning. And the Daily Beast’s Richard Rushfield didn’t like it). There has been — and no doubt will be as the awards season drumbeat proceeds — much ink spilled (or pixels used) about the Chateau Marmont. Chateau Marmont. Chateau Marmont. Chateau Marmont. So many syllables! Couldn’t we save so much time just by shortening it more efficiently? Enter: Shmarmont. I will make it happen.

In the meantime, back to important things: This report by CBS is a really fun watch for film-and-Hollywood buffs, with some great lines as well (“The no-tell motel with high thread count sheets” was a good one, from Vanity Fair‘s Matt Tyrnauer; also the classic from studio head Harry Cohn to William Holden and Glenn Ford in 1939 “If you’re going to get in trouble, do it at the Chateau Marmont”). For a perfect idle holiday Sunday few minutes of online edification, watch and enjoy below.

Trailer:

In case this nickname actually takes off — which it totally won’t because “Shmarmont” is ridiculous which is precisely why I love it — proof that I was first:

Related:

Sofia Coppola’s Somewhere: Boring Rich People in Hotels [Daily Beast]
Chateau Marmont’s 10 Most Iconic Moments [Nadine Jolie]
Hollywood’s Home for Misbehaving Celebs [ABC News] (to be fair)

Not surprisingly, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever was the number one worst movie, with a grand total of 0% good reviews. The cast was promising: – Antonio Banderas, Lucy Liu – so why so bad? Do you really want to see it to find out? That goes pretty much for all the movies on the list — from Glitter to Swept Away to The Hottie And The Nottie.

Which prompted a natural follow-up question: what directors and actors had the worst results on Rotten Tomatoes from 2000-2009? Thanks to computers, we have the answer.

First, the methodology. Each person (actor or director) was given a number of points that corresponded to how badly the movie did. The 100th worst movie earned a participant 1 point – Ecks vs. Sever earned 100. Directors, however, deserve special blame for resultant crappiness, so they were given a 50% mark-up on their scores.

Which leads us to our list: the 375 Worst Actors and Directors of the Past Decade. (To be fair, most of these people were in one moderately bad movie, but that title is so catchy, we’re sticking with it.)

Here are the top ten:

1. Aaron Seltzer
2. Uwe Boll
3. Jason Friedberg
4. Roberto Benigni
5. Stephen Dorff
6. Eddie Griffin
7. Larry the Cable Guy
8. Lucy Liu
9. Natascha McElhone
10. Zach Cregger

Number 1 is no surprise Aaron Seltzer, who, along with #3 Jason Friedberg, makes the insipid Movie movies which are designed to cost a minimal amount and make up for it by fooling enough teenagers into coming that they end up being profitable (Seltzer did Date Movie without Fraiberg, which accounts for his exalted status). Likewise #2 – Uwe Boll. Somehow, a director who makes deliberately terrible movies is still given money to do so.

As for number 4 – Roberto Benigni‘s role as actor and director of the terrible Pinnochio did double damage. Is it fair to ding him twice for it? Yes.

Anyway, here’s the full list, as a sortable Google Doc. Points are calculated as above; “dings” are counted each time the person was in or directed a movie, regardless of rank. What do Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, Dianne Weist, Scott Baio, Kal Penn, Brent Spiner, Jessica Alba, Bradley Cooper, Kate Beckinsale, Charlotte Rampling, Steve Martin and DJ Pooh all have in common? They’re aaaaaall in here. Enjoy.