Well, here is the most amazing story I’d never heard. Did you know that the United States government has officially declared that Marvel mutants like the X-Men aren’t really humans. It’s true.

Now, I know what you’re asking. Why on earth did the government waste their time talking about mutants? Is there something we don’t know? Are pubescent kids around the country suddenly developing extraordinary powers that all strangely seem to be puns on their names in some way? Sorry, that’s not the reason. Well, at least, not that I know of. No, you probably won’t be surprised to know that the official ruling was made for one clear reason; money.

Whoops! A couple of young Brits had a pretty horrible vacation after they were arrested in the Los Angeles and held for 12 hours. The reason? They had tweeted that they were coming to “destroy America.” The only problem is that they were actually just slangily talking about partying. Basically, it’s as if the police banned you from buying paint brushes after hearing you claim you were going to “paint the town red.”

As someone who could never be accused of being in any way decisive, I’ve always respected people who know exactly what they want and then go for it. That’s why I have a begrudging admiration for the criminals who broke into Fantasy Factory, a Yuba County, California sex shop. They didn’t want money, so they didn’t take money. They just went straight for the toys.

I hate snakes. I hate them more than anything. So, whenever I went to the zoo as a child, I steered clear of the darn Reptile House in favor of spending time with my fellow mammals. Like lions. Lions at the zoo were never scary. They were always just lazily sleeping on a rock or something.

However, I probably would have changed my mind if I had had the experience of Sofia, a tiny New Zealand girl who had got in a fairly unsettling stare down with a giant lion at the zoo.

Guys, we’ve all been there. You’re hanging out, incredibly drunk at 3:30 on a Thursday afternoon when you suddenly get the urge to head over to a new art museum, drop trou, and attempt to urinate on an abstract-expressionist painting worth tens of millions of dollars. Seriously, we’ve literally all had that thought. I mean, what’s a better way to blow off some steam as well as critique the movement’s supposed anarchic aesthetic by shoving a truly rebellious paradigm into its collective face? Nothing. But we all know better than to actually do it.

Unfortunately, a Denver woman apparently needs to work a little harder on controlling her urges…

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Especially a woman who owns poster board and a Sharpie and has tickets to an NFL game. That’s what some poor Packers fan is learning today. The dope apparently cheated on his girlfriend who then dumped him and told the world about it at yesterday’s game against the Bears.

Every year, a number of news outlets like Fox News and…uh…ok, just Fox News…spend a lot of time focusing on the War on Christmas, the apparent movement to remove mentions of the holiday from public view. Many in these news stories talk about the dangerous effect eliminating Christmas will have on our nation and its [...]

Yikes. This video hurts just looking at it.

You know when you park in a parking lot and you swing open a car door and almost hit a really, really nice car and you think to yourself, “Man, I really do not want to hurt that car”? Ok, now imagine a giant, multi-car pile up involving nothing but that kind of car. That’s what happened in Japan.

There is shock today after news broke that someone completely unexpected has been charged with sexual harassment. No, not that guy. Rather a first grader from Boston. The whole thing seems pretty extraordinary because, really, if a kid that young is checking out a lady’s breasts, there’s still a good chance he’s merely hungry.

For some people, the Christmas season begins as early as the day after Thanksgiving or even Halloween. For me, though, it isn’t Christmas time till we are officially on the last page of the calendar. It just makes sense. I also don’t really get in the spirit until someone in a Santa costume has a comically horrible accident and the whole thing gets caught on camera. That makes less sense but it’s a family tradition for me so lay off.

Fortunately, thanks to a Florida mall Santa, the most magical time of the year is upon us.

Oh, the best laid plans of mice and men… Two California burglars probably thought they had the best plan to rob an ATM in an Anaheim Wienerschnitzel. Why not use napkins to cover up the security cameras, right? Napkins are everywhere in restaurants and they’re soooo sturdy!

Unfortunately, one of the napkins slipped off and the police are now looking for the two men, one of whom looked straight into the camera.

Somewhere in Delaware right now there’s probably an old man sitting in front of a convenience store an attempting to give out directions to a passer-by. “Oh, you don’t want to go down that road,” the man’s saying. “That there road’s a Nazi road.” In Delaware’s Sussex County, a local Nazi couple (oh, every town’s [...]

Larry, the official cat for 10 Downing Street, the residence of the British Prime Minister, is being accused of shirking his official duties as “mouser-in-chief.” This is somehow an actual story, but what really makes it odd is that Prime Minister David Cameron is actually defending the cat against apparent calls for it to step down from its position.

Say what you will about Anthony Weiner, at least he never tried to write off his lewd pictures as works of art. Well, one New York Democrat running for reelection has taken a rather unusual approach to his lewd photo scandal: taking down the pictures in question, but admitting he took them for an art class he took over ten years ago while pursuing his degree.

Last week I wrote about the White House “We The People” open government initiative to allow average Americans to bring their concerns directly to the president and the fallout after people learned the White House would be issuing standard responses to all of the petitions. Well, the White House is continuing to respond, and one of the latest shows the White House has no interest in studying whether or not extraterrestrial life exists beyond our planet.

Here’s a ridiculous lazy afternoon story for you. The Sowetan, an English-language South African paper is reporting a fairly horrible discovery made by a young couple who realized, just days before their wedding, that they were long-lost brother and sister. It’s like a crazy urban legend! Only real. And sad. And gross.

The calendar pages may have turned to November but, like the cats and witches aboard my subway this morning, now looking more “disheveled” than “sexy,” some vestiges of Halloween remain. So, forgive us please, if we bring you one more terrifying tale of horror and ghost sex. In Ohio, a family claims to have a haunting problem in their house. As of yet, all the ghosts have been “nice” although two of them have apparently taken it upon themselves to begin making sweet spook love in the family’s living room.

Best story ever alert!

Imagine you’re Alex Torres, a California man. You want to get the attention of Howard Stern, but how? Lets see…you’re a porn star as well as a skydiving instructor, you own a camera, and your friendly with the skydiving school’s pretty receptionist. Is there any possible way to use all those elements together. Hmmm…

Here’s a ridiculous story that’s perfect for Halloween.

The Associated Press is reporting that a Toronto emergency medical crew was called to the scene of an accident and quickly faced what appeared to be the worst accident they had ever seen. Presumably there was blood ever, skin hanging from people’s faces, limbs severed or removed. It must have been horrible! However, the paramedics quickly realized that all the gore was fake. They’d been called to the set of the new Resident Evil movie and all the victims were actors playing zombies.

The term “water hazard” takes on a whole new level at a golf course in Australia. It seems that the broken banks of a flooded river in Queensland, Australia led to six bullsharks to live in a lake in th emiddle of Carbrook Golf Clube in Brisbane.

It probably happened to every American little boy at some point or another. You tied a towel around your neck, shoved a repulsive amount of gel in your hair, put underwear on over your pants, and looked into the mirror only to find that you still hadn’t become into Superman. So, what do you do? Well, if you’re 35-year-old Philippine Herbert Chavez, you spend years and tons of money getting plastic surgeons to finish the job.

At first glance, the story looks like just another situation where a teacher is trying to take religion out of the country’s schools. However, the story of the California teacher who banned the saying of “bless you” after someone sneezes is actually much odder. It turns out that Steve Cuckovich’s reasoning really has nothing to [...]

Some jokes are just so good they will never die. While others eventually waste away, languishing in increasing obscurity alongside the “That’s what she said” and “Where’s the beef?”s of the world, some will live forever. One such joke is the name “Mike Hunt” and the act of getting someone to say it aloud. Sure, the gag was old when the characters in Porky’s did it (not just in the 1982 movie but also in the film’s 50′s-set world), but it’s still funny today in 2011.

That’s why the video of city councilmen in Los Angeles looking for a “Mike Hunt” is still worthy of posting.

Here’s kind of a good news/bad news type of story.

In Brazil, a young woman was called in to identify the body of her mother. When they brought the body out, Rosangela Celestrino got wonderful good news; her mother was actually still alive! The bad news? This means she was stuck in a refrigerated morgue drawer for two hours.

We’ve had quite a few posts about the awesome parts of dog ownership recently, perhaps it’s time for another side. In Rhode Island, a family’s pitbull got out of the back yard and went on a rampage which left three children injured, one hospitalized, and some pretty incredible security camera footage in its wake. The footage is from a small barber shop that the dog got in and began attacking the patrons and employees.

Yeah, consider this a post for the cat people out there.