Anyhow. Hear me out. What did Megan Fox say again? “Men are scared of vaginas. And then when you give them a powerful, confident vagina, they’re terrified.” Now, permit me, for a moment, to engage in a light substitution: “Dems are scared of Glenn Beck. And then when you give them a powerful, confident Glenn Beck, they’re terrified.”

Call it “Vagina Glenntata” — everyone’s afraid of getting sucked into his dark, swirling maelstrom and getting eaten alive. It happened to Van Jones. It happened to Yosi Sergant. Could it happen to America, fretted Time magazine? (Headline: “Is Glenn Beck Bad For America?“) And the answer is — yes! Glenn Beck is bad for America, just like the innocent, waifish young patient was bad for the gynecologist in Teeth.

But let’s take it back to Fox — the actress, not the network — whose wisdom can guide us here. A powerful, confident vagina, she says, “intimidates men – not all, but some.” So what of those “some” of which she speaks? Well, they don’t see a scary, ravenous, sharp-toothed, hungry gobbling maw — they just see, you know, someone they can chill with, n’ stuff.

So why not be that chill about Glenn Beck? Dude. He fake-boils frogs on his TV show, weeps ridiculously on cue, and leads protests from the comfort of his TV studio. He blames the media from his national television show on a top-ranked news network and makes wet-T-shirt jokes to elderly women. He wonders aloud who rules the country, the people or the government, right after showing a montage of the Founding Fathers. He speculates that the President hates white people, even though that President also happens to be half-white with white family members, advisors and friends. Sometimes I think he’s just saying words. This guy is only a threat insofar as he’s very, very confused.

It’s interesting that the same picture forms the basis of the illustration accompanying the last two Time stories on Glenn Beck. See it here on the latest version “Is Glenn Beck Bad For America, Stated Safely in The Form Of A Question?” versus the article from April, called “The Fears of a Clown.” We don’t need an illustration to know that Beck’s a clown — that’s his modus operandi. And “clown” may be a better metaphor here than “hungry, toothsome vagina,” because despite their smiling exteriors and big poufy hairdos, squeezable noses and big floppy feet, people are irrationally afraid of clowns, even though the worst they’ll do to you is squirt you with water from a fake flower.

But water never hurt anyone! Just ask the 70-year-old lady who Glenn Beck made that wet-t-shirt joke to! Glenn Beck is entertaining, sure, but that’s what clowns are for. SNL’s got his number, they can handle the media criticism on him from here on in. The rest of us should stop getting so distracted by him, because whatever he may be channeling, he’s not really adding anything. And until he does that, then he shouldn’t be given so much power to take things away.

What was that Sigmund Freud said? Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar. So, too, let it be with Glenn Beck. It’s time to just stop giving him so much attention — at least until he starts saying insightful things, like Megan Fox.

Related:
What’s That About A Powerful Vagina? [Mediaite]
Fox’s Glenn Beck increasingly sets media’s agenda [Media Matters]
Is Glenn Beck Bad For America? [Time]
Why, Yes, That Is A Toothy Vagina On My Shirt, And I Am Glad To See You [Mediaite]

Illustration by Brian Van Nieuwenhoven

You have eyes, you can see that the model to the left is wearing the “Black Croc Tee Dress” or, as I like to call it, the HOLY CRAP YOUR VAGINA IS A GIANT GAPING MAW THAT IS TOTALLY GOING TO EAT ME dress. You don’t have to be Sigmund Freud to see that symbolism. The giant gaping toothy maw surrounding the model’s nether regions pretty much gives it away.

And it’s not just clever “fashion” photography, either — you know how sometimes the dress looks great on the model, but when you take it home it looks totally different on you? Well, here, the dress looks like a giant gaping toothy maw surrounding the model’s nether regions — and it looks exactly the same on you!

To prove it, here I am once again, holding up the shirt version in the store, for scale.

I’m not making this up. Still don’t believe me? Well why not go to designer Christopher Kane‘s welcome page on the Top Shop site. There you’ll see his signature crocodile, gaping maw and all. And what, pray tell, is written invitingly over the deepest, darkest recesses of those scarily inviting jaws?

I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP!

Oh, also, in addition to being on the cutting edge of Vagina Dentata fashion, Top Shop has given you a garment that is also (a) heinously ugly and (b) $125. Seriously! This dress is $125. The even-uglier shirt version is $90.

Also, if you think there’s no related media hook here, we’ve got two words for you: MEGAN FOX. Thank you.

Related:
What’s That About A Powerful Vagina? [Mediaite]

First on the story:
Band T-Shirts [Nightwood]

(Hat tip to Jezebel’s Anna Holmes of Jezebel for figuring out it was a crocodile when I confusedly guessed a bear yesterday, and to Consumerist’s Laura Northrop for directing me to the Top Shop page in question.)

“What you do is harness your sexuality and use it to control your destiny…That’s what can can happen when a girl or woman is completely in charge of her sexuality and embraces the power of her vagina. It intimidates men – not all, but some. Men are scared of vaginas. And then when you give them a powerful, confident vagina, they’re terrified.”

That ethos is clearly on display in Fox’s new movie, Jennifer’s Body, in which a nubile high schooler transforms into a bloodthirsty vampire who lures in young boys through the power of her sexuality (read: vagina) and then KILLS THEM DEAD. As The Awl’s Melissa Lafsky writes in her excellent review:

Megan Fox’s body is, inherently, evil. She’s the Demon Pretty. That much Pretty has power over all of us—young, old, black, white, female and panting male alike. We’re helpless in the face of it. We pay it more money, give it better customer service, offer it more respect at dinner parties. Studies have proven it: that level of Pretty controls our minds. So of course it should show up as a murderous demon in a horror film.

It’s no wonder that men are scared of vaginas — particularly powerful, confident ones that will totally EAT YOU FOR LUNCH. The concept of that kind of hungry, voracious vagina is, of course, nothing new (hi, Sigmund Freud!) and it even has a fancy name: Vagina Dentata. It literally means “toothed vagina” (ouch!) and was the premise of the horror movie Teeth, which Lafsky succinctly describes as “teen loses control of the sexual beast within” – the poor protagonist has something quite literally monstrous lurking within her nether regions, which turns out rather unfortunately for several men in the film. Ah, horror. You’re so classy.

And speaking of classy: Apparently Top Shop seems to think that translates into a great fashion idea. Because I was walking by on Friday night, and lo and behold front at center was this fabulous fashion creation:

That’s, er, anatomically pretty on point. Though I think it would be way more badass with the mouth of a Great White Shark or something — what’s that, a bear? Those teeth aren’t even serrated, for God’s sake. Weak.

Anyhow, my point — and I do have one, and it’s not just to make “Hakuna Dentata” jokes (read your tags, mofos!) — my point is, as usual, that Megan Fox is a thought-leader and our coverage of her is totally, completely justified.

That’s all. In other news, boys…I’m available. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Update: Actually, that’s not it — here is the full, unabridged, 2-paragraph excerpt from Rolling Stone, so no one can say this post isn’t useful. Call it…cervix journalism. Haaaa. Oh come on, admit it, that’s a good one. Here’s the full quote:

“I was 12 when I first started getting a lot of stares and attention from grown men, and for a while I misused that power,” she says. “When you see 16-year-old girls in really short skirts and stripper heels and shirts that say WHITE TRASH WHORE on them – I was like that. But it’s not empowering. It’s the opposite. It’s taking power away from you. I was like Jennifer in the movie. She’s just so lost in her sexuality. What you do is harness your sexuality and use it to control your destiny. Like, if a conversation with a guy is going somewhere I don’t like, you can manipulate it and build a dynamic that causes that person to fear you sexually. You do it with men by making them feel small, and men usually feel small when they’re attracted to someone.”

“…And that’s what can happen when a girl or woman is completely in charge of her sexuality and embraces the power of her vagina. It intimidates men – not all, but some. Men are scared of vaginas. And then when you give them a powerful, confident vagina, they’re terrified. They don’t know how to deal with it. Look, I didn’t figure out something special out here. I wasn’t born with a special vagina. All vaginas are created equal. But as soon as you love your own, you’re good. You’re set.”

Related:

Horror Chick: ‘Jennifer’s Body’ Is Garbage, But You’d Tap It Anyway [The Awl]
Gawker’s Guide to Coverage of Rolling Stone’s Coverage of Megan Fox [Gawker]
What Megan Fox Has In Common With Barack Obama [Mediaite]
“Teeth”: The Beast Within Eats the Boys Without [Opinionistas.com]
Henry Moore: Oval With Points [EurekAlert]