You can watch the full tour de pie force below — including Beck’s lament that the whipped cream was fake — but essentially what it boils to is good old American Pie values, namely it’s everyone’s (including Africa…though we can maybe give them the recipe?) responsibility to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and make their own pie and quit expecting other people (i.e. the goverment) to bake your pie for you! Also, “Americans are bakers, not dividers.” Watch below.

What is clear however, is that the Shirley Sherrod debacle could not have happened at a better time for Beck, who has planned this rally to coincide with the anniversary of Martin Luther King‘s ‘I Have A Dream Speech.’ After months of trying to place himself in the midst of the national conversation about race, such as it is (and with some success, it should be noted) the administration, in their apparent attempt to avoid him, has basically handed him a staring role in that conversation for the foreseeable future. Watch below.

Am I the only one appalled that history is being written, and re-written right in front of us?…We can’t change our history into something it wasn’t, but it’s happening. We’ve got to grab on to the truth and cling to it, but what is the truth? Well the truth about the Civil Rights movement isn’t the Black Panthers and the threats causing Congress to pass the Civil Rights, that’s bull crap [um, yes]. God did it, by through working through people and inspiring people like Martin Luther King, and C.L. Jackson, and, yes, white people like Bobby Kennedy, and dare I say it, I’m going to set the world on fire with this…Roger Ailes.

Who Glenn Beck says spent some time with King in the Civil Rights movement. I have no idea if this is true…nothing turns up on the Google. Either way, is the subtle conclusion here that Glenn Beck is the natural extension of Civil Rights leaders because he is now being championed by Ailes? Possibly that’s a stretch (Glenn’s larger point is that violence never solves anything). In the meantime, I’m still puzzling over who concluded the Black Panthers were responsible for the Civil Rights Act. Watch below.

Apparently Beck was of a similar mind on Friday when he opted to devote this week’s “Founding Friday” show to the women. Are you waiting for a punchline? I don’t have one. Other than Beck’s remark that either they had bad artists back then or really ugly people.

I’m not sure what it says about the state of education and media (and Hollywood…ahem!) in general that Glenn Beck is leading the charge to (broadly) inform the country about women’s roles in the founding of this country but there you have it. Glenn Beck hear me roar! Here’s the link if you want more background on women’s suffrage. Watch the segment below.

The strange invention– illustrated across one of Beck’s chalkboards– is a product that would give the government power to turn off energy in individual homes. As described by Republican Rep. Jason Chaffetz, the product’s intention to is protect from unexpected energy surges by household appliances: “literally it locks down the energy in your home and the concern that some of us have is that they’re pursuing Cap and Trade,” such that the government can tell you when you’ve had too much energy. Moreover, it protects from individuals who would use outlets in one’s home without authorization, and prevents them from spending energy on one’s dime. Even if this were the case, why would this project be under the jurisdiction of Fannie Mae, a mortgage company?

Beck was as confused as anyone following the story, brandishing a surge protector and explaining the dangers of unauthorized electricity users: “Some unauthorized guy came in and just started plugging in washer and dryers all over the house and blew up my computer!” If Beck was trying to make Fannie Mae’s explanation seem unreasonable, he wins this round.

But there still wasn’t a clear explanation as to why Fannie Mae is involved at all. Beck explained that the reason a floundering mortgage company was investing in electricity patents was “about the government gaining more control and more power through– because it’s war– Cap and Trade.” The “it’s war” theme continued throughout the show as Beck explained how the federal government was using the war excuse to consolidate power. It didn’t get much easier to follow from there.

Video from this evening’s program below:

For reasons that remain unclear, Beck opted to rotate the map of Manhattan he was using on its side so that north pointed to the right, presenting, shall we say, an entirely new view of the city. Geography as sex ed? Certainly gives a whole new meaning to the phrase it’s a man’s world.

Beck said that he left his radio show on Friday and “I told myself I wasn’t making fun of the kids, and I believed it.” That is until he got home to his wife who set him straight — to his great displeasure — and proceeded to tell him he might need a nap.

Before launching into an explanation about why his outburst might be the result of the same confusion the country is suffering from — “I’m upset, Barack Obama’s upset. We’re all upset” — he noted that after issuing the apology he “said prayer and got a nap in” and that he hoped “this was his bottom.” Watch below.

Later in the show Beck followed up saying that Gandolfini had later apologized to him. Good thing, too, or he might have been facing down a Gandolfinifacts.com! Video of both moments edited together below.

In response to Weiner’s accusations — or really as part of his response — which have received wide-ish play in the media, Beck has launched (it’s run by his staffers) WeinerFacts.com: “world wide weiner web.” The site is devoted to “facts” about Rep. Weiner interspersed with pictures of wieners. Yes. Glenn Beck has gone opposition 2.0 (literally! He showed off the new site on his iPad). One can only look forward to the day his chalkboard gets its own Twitter account.

Fear not, however, Beck did not let Weinerfacts.com do all his trash talking for him. Chalkboard and funny voices at the ready, Beck also demonstrated why Weiner’s connections to President Obama and Media Matters (and inevitably Van Jones) may be evidence he is the new…Joe McCarthy: “How afraid they really must be.” Or, you know, looking for for the sort of attention that results in campaign donations down the line. Video below.

Last night, in the wake of Attorney General Eric Holder’s announcement that the administration is considering limiting Miranda rights in cases of suspected terrorism, Beck lashed out again.

Why do you not want to Mirandize someone, why is that important? Because you can use interrogation techniques before you Mirandize them….you can make them talk. What do you think, they’re going to have a cake?

Beck doesn’t come right out and say it but he certainly comes close to suggesting the administration doesn’t want to Mirandize so they are free to use…enhanced interrogation techniques. He also aired a montage of various media personalities’ expressing surprise over his initial remark — including Jon Stewart, Rachel Maddow, and Jake Tapper — and wanted to know what was so surprising? Beck has been very consistent in his support of the Constitution. It’ll be interesting to see if all this agreement ends up in some sort of strange bedfellow, media kumbaya moment on Jon Stewart’s couch. One can dream. Full clip below.

Beck is of the opinion that the real news is to be found on YouTube, not in the mainstream media: it’s where he has found “much of the video that took down Van Jones.” Beck further speculates that perhaps Obama’s aversion to said Internet is that he doesn’t want you finding out that very information. Which may inadvertently prove the point Obama was awkwardly trying to make, namely, sometimes the Internet doesn’t give you the full picture. It’s also an interesting argument for someone who is ostensibly against net neutrality. But the larger point being, information is power (“if it’s not, we should fire everyone at the CIA”…which is probably a different show entirely). Later Beck rehashes Bill O’Reilly’s GE/NBC/Immelt “schtick” from a few years back. Video below.

For all you cynics out there, this is a LIVE performance. There is no editing out this sort of pure emotion this was a taped performance. There appears to have been ample time to edit out this sort of pure emotion. But why do that? Its the best part of the show!

That’s darn fine detective work, Mayor [enter pipe]. Could be anything, you’re right. Could be a deranged tea party goer. Somebody against Obama and his health care bill. Elementary my dear Watson! You should be our next Attorney General! You are brilliant, sir!

It comes across better in the video. Meanwhile, Beck wants to know “who didn’t know this guy, who he was, what he was doing?” According to Beck everyone including the guy at the hot dog stand knew…knew that he was not a Tea Partier? Beck won’t say specifically but this seems to be the inference. “Everyone in their job, did their job, did it the way it was supposed to be done…not in a racist way.” Which presumably is Beck’s way of justifying the AZ immigration law? The NYPD tracked down the guy who tried to blow up Times Sq. so it follows that the AZ police will not racially profile? It’s a dubious stretch, to say the very least, but apparently one Beck is willing to make. Also, we were able to catch this guy because he immigrated here legally. Also? This guy was clearly motivated by something larger that mere opposition to Obama because what sort of person would try to blow up children.

Beck also cleared up his Mirandized comments from this morning: “Brian Kilmeade, who I love, went all Jack Bauer on me, I swear he’s got nipple clips in his pocket.” Which is Beck’s way of saying he is standing behind his assertion that Shahzad should be treated humanely (i.e. no nipple clips) because he is a citizen. “The Constitution is tough when it gets in the way.”

All this quiet time was part of Beck’s silent protest against Obama’s assertion last week that “I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money.” While Beck quietly filled out the incomes of some high profile Dems on his chalboard the Obama clip would play intermittently in the background. For a full two minutes. Performance art meets the peace movement? The silent film era? The time out method? Not sure. But it made for strangely entertaining TV. Maybe it should be a regular segment. Video below.

Relatively speaking, Beck still has the kind of ratings that would turn just about everyone on cable TV green with envy. And just to put his numbers in fair context, year over year, everyone in cable is currently down. Some quite a lot. Just to give you a sense. Beck is down 4% from last April, Bill O’Reilly is down 3%, Keith Olbermann is down 28%, Campbell Brown is down 39%, Sean Hannity is down 17%, Rachel Maddow is down 8%. Also, it’s probably worth noting that viewer numbers traditionally drop in April. So there’s that.

I suspect the drop in numbers are striking an overblown chord because Beck has been such a juggernaut these last ten months. And not merely a ratings juggernaut, a cultural, and political, and media one, too. In a phenomenally short period of time, Beck not only became a sort of weird media darling, but also a political powerhouse the White House was eventually forced to respond to directly, as well as a name synonymous with what was great and/or terrible about Fox News, extreme rhetoric, and the Tea Party movement. The last is the key, I think. Beck had his finger on the zeitgeist — in this case a fearful and frustrated fringe — that has since overwhelmed the country long before anyone else, and proceeded to provide it with an utterly entertaining mainstream voice — if chalkboards and Mao dolls can be considered mainstream! — much to the amazement, and let’s be honest, the enjoyment of a lot of people. What these recent ratings make me wonder is if that ride is over. And if so, why.

Eric Boehlert at Media Matters thinks Beck’s Waterloo moment was the utterly incredible Eric Massa interview which he described as a “Hindenburg performance.” I tend to agree but not because of its Hindenburg nature, but because in some strange way I think it represented the pinnacle of what Beck does best: utterly unpredictable showmanship. It also represented a sort of culmination of what Beck had been after for so long: recognition from real politician (yes I know it was Eric Massa, but still…he was elected) and possible real life proof of his ever evolving theory that Obama’s administration is made up of a shady army of secret Maoists looking to wreak progressive havoc on the nation. And since then, and I say this as someone who tends to watch a lot of Beck, I’m not sure he’s regained himself. Because how do you follow what will likely go down as one of the most bizarre hours on live TV ever? You don’t. The chalkboard, while entertaining, doesn’t quite cut it. It’s like when the two main characters on your favorite TV show finally get married. Whatever comes next is a letdown. Fonzie meet shark?

NEXT >>> IS THERE A LARGER ISSUE AT PLAY?

Yes, there is legislation on the table to make Puerto Rico a state, something that Beck deserves credit for covering, since that kind of law would change America and it appears many in the media were too distracted by senators saying dirty words to get to that yesterday. But this being Glenn Beck, he didn’t stop at just covering this news, or having an opinion on this isolated incident.

The law, Beck argues, is a product of Marxist conspirators toiling from within the Democratic Party to expand their base. Citing the mission of the Puerto Rican Progressive Party, he notes that the two goals on the Puerto Rican left are specifically to make Puerto Rico a state and “enact social justice”– and we all know what that means. The plan to dilute the conservative vote includes making Puerto Rico a state, giving Washington, DC a Congressman, giving illegal immigrants amnesty and, eventually, citizenship, and giving convicted felons the right to vote.

Beck is aware that targeting Mexicans and Puerto Ricans (and lumping them in with felons) may be construed as racist, but if anyone argues that, remember that at the end of the day “it’s about bringing more people onboard– more people who can vote for the Democratic Party.”

Video below:

Earlier today on his radio show Beck wanted to know how come it was okay for the left to rage over people making Hitler references but now it’s okay for them to make them.

I thought it was bad to compare things to Nazi Germany…the left said that you shouldn’t use Hitler references and swastikas and compare things to Nazi Germany…I thought it was dangerous. Didn’t Nancy Pelosi say, “And they’re using swastikas and stuff, and that’s bad.” Wasn’t everybody on the hasn’t MSNBC been running nonstop, you know Timothy McVeigh was, you know, is being reincarnated right now?

He got angrier on his show tonight.

Arizona sure is putting the AZ in Nazi. I really hate to rain on the hate parade, but could we slow down for just a second here and ask: You’re out of your mind? Are you comparing the systematic cold-blooded extermination of millions of Jews, to America making sure people are here legally. The parallels are non-existent.

Because, of course, non-existent parallels are a big no-no in Beckland. Ha. Short version of Beck’s argument: this Nazi rhetoric is overblown and offensive, and Arizona is perfectly within it’s right to step in where the federal government fails (Beck is definitely not alone in this line of thinking), and it is perfectly okay to ask illegal immigrants to prove their citizenship (no mention of the civil liberties of actual citizens). Also, he’s more than willing to concede if the law is unconstitutional it should be struck down. In the meantime, the “constitution is not a suicide pact…the states have to take action.” Video below. Side note: the title of this post was the subject line of Beck’s daily email, which is what drew my attention to it.

I would encourage you to watch the video since this explanation was based on a chalkboard drawing which may make it more clear…or make something more clear. Also, Glenn Beck has taken to referencing Martin Luther King as some sort of non-violent predecessor to his show, which I read as a bit of a (desperate?) overreaction to the recent sedition-y spat of people connecting him to the Tea Party rhetoric. Video below. Next stop, turning this train track into an actual toy he can sell on his website. Communist Amtrak!

Glenn Beck

Beck opened the show with his bread and butter– images of the peaceful Tea Party protesters he claims the left are consistently trying to brand as violent and dangerous. “The media, it seems,” he noted, “has picked a side.” If the Tea Parties were so violent, he asks, why was there not even a “good old-fashioned pistol-whipping” at the pro-Second Amendment rally?

The reason the left can get away with blaming the right for violence and staining them with the memory of McVeigh, he argues, is that “we forget our own history, so it can be used against us.” Then he uses some of Bill Clinton’s ugliest history against him: Waco. The Waco disaster– where the Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms Bureau burnt a Branch Davidian ranch to the ground with more than 60 people and two dozen children in it– was one of the greatest failures of the Clinton presidency, and directly had an impact on McVeigh as he hatched his terrorist plan. It also celebrated an anniversary yesterday, and if Clinton is willing to use the Oklahoma City bombing against Beck and others like him, it seems Beck is more than happy to bring up Waco in the current debate, too.

Beck clarified that he didn’t hold Clinton accountable for Oklahoma City– “only one thing caused Timothy McVeigh: Timothy McVeigh”– but reminding the American people of something Clinton tried so hard over the past two decades to sweep under the rug must have hit him where it hurts the most: his legacy.

Watch the clip below:

After a weekend that was filled with Tea Party talk, and accusations from Joe Klein that Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin were close to being seditious, Beck opted to follow up today’s (Patriot Day) tweet with a long opening monologue that felt like a strange combination of a fireside chat meets an AA meeting. Accompanied by his 1950′s TV set, which he has often used to demonstrate how we need to return to better times, Beck appeared to suddenly dial back on the nostalgia instead emphasizing the county’s need to look to the future and take care of our children.

Beck is alarmed, he says, with the turn the country has taken over the past year (also, the period of time he has been the ratings cash cow for Fox…needless to say, Beck does not draw this connection) but people should never conclude from his show that he hates President Obama, in fact Beck prays for Obama every night…even though he is surrounded by secret Maoists.

Beginning the segment by arguing in favor of our troops in Afghanistan– “you’re telling me these guys cant kick the ass of the people in the caves?”– Beck accuses the Obama administration of diplomatic promiscuity, arguing that the reason so many foreign leaders hate the United States is that “we don’t stand for anything.” The first step to standing for something, he proposes, is to refuse to ally with a foreign power simply because we have a common enemy– “I’m not going to get into bed with you because the other guy is worse.”

To fix the current diplomatic situation, Beck put together a comprehensive foreign policy he presented on his chalkboard– the policy he would put into motion “if I were king.” Among the most important rules of King Beck’s foreign policy? “Mind our own business,” but if you mess with America, “”we will wipe you off the face of the planet.” He suggested he is not beyond using nuclear weapons to keep America’s enemies from attacking.

Note the repeated use of the word “king” to describe the position he would be holding should he have the power to implement foreign policy. Putting together such a diplomatic plan– one that sounds highly appealing to neo-conservatives and libertarians alike– like like composing a campaign platform, and lest you should begin to wonder whether today’s new page in the chalkboard manifesto will end up as a tab under “Issues” on GlennBeckForPresident.com, Beck is keeping the terminology as far away from a realistic presidential campaign as he can, at least for now.

Well, The Plan is back. Beck is apparently spending the whole week discussing elements of it and today’s show was focused on the economy, jobs, and fixing the deficit. As far as I could tell it was basically a rehashing of everything he’s been saying for the past six months, and, truth be told, he lost me after the first ten minutes or so (Beck has sort of been off his game since the health care bill passed). Anyway, here’s the part that caught my attention, particularly in light of today’s Pulitzer announcement (the NYT won three): Beck apparently thinks it’s just a matter of time till the Times is bought out by the government.

Beck’s (latest) problem with the Times is their report from last week that, believe it or not, numbers are pointing to a economic recovery. “Really!” Says Beck.

Has the New York Times even looked around their own newsroom? It’s practically empty. They just announced another 100 layoffs in the newsroom…two words New York Times: Government takeover.

Okay! First of all, the Times announced those (long-rumored) layoffs before Christmas. Secondly, they leased out that skyscraper a while back (not that it wasn’t a bad decision to begin with). And thirdly, government takeover of newspapers has long been bandied about as a solution for a lot of struggling publications, though not to my knowledge ever the NYT, specifically. Regardless of all these things, how the fact the NYT is merely part of the entire print (and online) media industry’s struggle to make money during the transition from print to online has anything to do with the quality of their business reporting, or should have anything to do with it, is beyond me. As far as I can tell the only person likely to look glum as the result of an economic recovery is Beck, namely because he would have to find something entirely new to rail about. Video below.

The theme of Beck’s segment seemed to be “faith, hope, and charity”– the cornerstones of the 9/12 movement, and his mission to get Sharpton to agree that all of those values, however one defines them, is they key to restoring America. Sharpton was polite enough not to challenge the claim that America needed restoring, but found his hands tied when he tried to make any non-philosophical argument. When noting that he believed “some need more charity than others,” Beck was quick to return to the central theme that charity was, indeed, a positive value. To say it isn’t exactly Crossfire would be an understatement, though there is an awkward moment where Beck suggests Sharpton is Dr. King’s contemporary, when the former was 13 when King was murdered.

Peace and harmony with the most controversial figures of the left is not exactly what people tune into Beck to hear, but it’s precisely the kind of behavior that defies shallow claims on the left that Beck is a madman, a showman, and a partisan stooge. Glenn Beck the Media Matters villain isn’t supposed to be capable of polite conversation with Al Sharpton, though credit where credit is due: Al Sharpton the RedState villain isn’t supposed to be anywhere near Glenn Beck, either.

Watch Beck and Sharpton talk about faith, hope, and charity below:

Glenn Beck

Today, the chalkboard was devoid of words, with only a shoddy rectangle to serve as a house “foundation,” though, considering it was meant to be the Obama household’s foundation, it probably looked like it couldn’t hold a feather intentionally. Beck proceeded to build the “foundation” with the history of Obama’s parents (and, of course, magnet pictures of them). Shockingly, Beck labels them both Marxist radicals.

What’s worse, they were so devoted to their cause, he argues, that they abandoned Barack in favor of their ideology. His father, an avowed “communist,” left the boy to return to Harvard and continue his leftist studies. And his mother, “Dorothy from Kansas,” abandoned him for “critical theory,” which Beck defines as “Marx to the extreme” but is more accurately an unintelligible lump of lazy French philosophy typically worshipped in institutions of higher learning.

It’s certainly an unorthodox approach to attacking a political enemy, to dig up old photos and declare that “the tragedy of this kid’s childhood is staggering.” And it makes for some surreal TV, sort of what one would expect A&E’s “Biography” series to be like if the executive producer was Joe McCarthy on a good day. Watch the video below:

Beck’s latest grumble after a week away — other than the fact the country apparently went nuts while he was off the air — is Net Neutrality and the FCC hearing that is taking place this week regarding the latest Net Neutrality bill that is making its way through Congress. According to Beck, however, the world has as much freedom of Internet speech as it could ever hope for (cue basement blogger trope), and the people who think it’s a good idea that the government enforce some of restrictions on internet providers so that they themselves can’t restrict what users can access and/or jack prices up for that access, are clearly Marxists. CLEARLY. Marxists who are trying to stifle free speech by attempting to make sure you don’t have to pay extra for access to it. Admittedly, when read by Glenn Beck the words of Free Press founder Robert McChesney do sound a rather, um, revolutionary. At this point, though, I think it’s pretty clear that Beck could make the phone book sound secretly Maoist.

It should probably be noted the person who “alerted” Glenn Beck to this hearing was Phil Kerpen vice president of the group Americans For Prosperity. In light of the name you will likely not be surprised to hear that the group would prefer the market to be in control of the “neutrality” of the Internet. Video below.

So! To that end, we are proud to present BeckCrunch.com – just think of it as one, long, glorious moment of Glenn (alternately, the 4/1 Movement).

Founder of Mediaite, Styleite, Geekosystem (and now BeckCrunch), Dan Abrams, released this statement:

After spending years as a host and general manager for MSNBC, I’ve learned to identify when a major media talent comes along. But setting that eye for talent aside, Glynnis and Steve are obsessed with Glenn Beck, and they’ve promised me a power grid, so what the hell, we’ll start BeckCrunch. At least I landed Beck advertiser Survival Seeds as an Abrams Research client

Here’s what you can expect find!

• “Make Your Own Beck Chalkboard”

• A Beck Power Grid, ranking everyone Beck has every mentioned on air in categories like Mao-like tendencies, Love for America, and Progressivism.

• Reviews of each TV show and radio show, of course.

• Your Moment Of Glenn will be expanded, to include one moment every hour.

• Interviews with every guest who has appeared on Beck’s Fox News show – six and counting!

Go check out BeckCrunch: crunching all your Beckisms since August 2009!

> Update: Ok this is real. Christopher Balfe, President and COO of Mercury Radio Arts (and 40 Under 40 star) tells Mediaite: “Since coverage of Glenn across all media outlets has really been lacking, we look forward to this new site so we can finally get the word out about Glenn.”

…The Overton Window, which [Beck] described as “a story of America in a time much like today where the people are confused,” with a government in crisis and the rise of a citizens’ group called the Founders Keepers, which “leads to a battle and a civil war, and life is upside-down planetwide.”

And chalkboards are secretly weapons of mass destruction? Just guessing. Meanwhile, in a move that is both genius and likely infuriating (to those pipe-smoking “intellectuals,” anyway) Beck appropriated the title ‘Overton Window’ from a popular political concept defined thusly by Wikipedia: “The technique relies on people promoting ideas even less acceptable than the previous “outer fringe” ideas. That makes those old fringe ideas look less extreme, and thereby acceptable.” Hmm, sound like an apt description of some recent perception shifts at a certain network?

It’s unclear when Beck stumbled on the theory, but he spent some quality chalkboard time explaining it last month (Feb 23, to be exact). Of course when Beck explains it, it is an evil secret plan of the Progressives put to use in order to pass HCR. So, perhaps best to apply Beck’s “life is upside-down planetwide” scenario in this particular case. Video below.

Happy Fashion Friday! I’m not in the habit of making sartorial judgments (ever, really) but this was sort of impossible to miss. I have no idea what Glenn Beck was talking about today. Not because he wasn’t making sense — he very well might have been; he was in front of a live audience in Orlando and he’s usually slightly more low key when there’s a group. The reason I have no idea is because Glenn Beck’s sweater was so blinding I couldn’t stare at the TV for any length of time. Not kidding…I think it burned my cornea.

There was some speculation on Twitter that it might be the infamous Christmas sweater come to life…alternately, that a “bloody zebra died to make it.” Maybe it was a secret decoder sweater. One reader wrote to say that he’d had to turn off his HD so it wasn’t just me. Vid below…don’t say I didn’t warn you.