Bourdain Parody of the Day: ‘I Wear a Leather Jacket on My Heart and I Have Cigar Eyes’

A little background information: Mallory Ortberg is my arch nemesis. Or my soul sister, but since conflict is more compelling, let’s say arch nemesis. She launched a Twitter campaign against trends straight girls appropriate, which has been my game since 2002. She wrote a gushing listicle about Brittney Griner, when I’ve been vision-boarding our nuptials since the Phoenix Mercury star first growled the words “there’s not gonna be a mold when I’m done with it” on ESPN. She is the “founder and creative soul” of The Toast.

Basically, she’s the more visible, more talented, more famous, more better me. (Except I have cooler hair. I feel confidently about that.) And now she’s writing scathing, fabulous Anthony Bourdain parodies, AND I AM JUST DONE. I CONCEDE TO YOU, MALLORY ORTBERG. YOU CAN HAVE EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE THAT IS WONDERFUL.

(End background info.)

Hey, guys! Go read The Toast’s spot-fucking-on parody of Anthony Bourdain. In it, he quotes Gaston, and uses Courtney Love as a windsurfing board, but here’s another excerpt:

“The Very Hungry Caterpillar”? That’s bullshit. I’ve been hungrier than that, and I’m not even a bug, I’m a man. I’m Anthony Bourdain. I would eat a very famous horse, like Seabiscuit or Aslan. I only eat the appendix of poisonous snakes, nothing else, not potato chips, very boring. I eat cocaine, no big problem.

Check out the whole piece here.*

*while I weep softly

[The Toast]

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