In your weekly “Your World Is Full Of Lies” update, it turns out that Mayor Mikey Bloombito has, quietly and insidiously, removed butter from the pantries of New York City’s public schools. Not that there was an official edict or a huge public battle, like the one that Bloomberg waged over soda sizes last year; it’s just something that the City Education Department happened to kind of implement starting in 2008.
The New York Daily News broke the news that, without any fanfare, the Department replaced butter in school meals with healthier alternatives — “salad oil” for cooking (which may be a government issue version of olive oil), peanut butter and cream cheese for spreads — and no one seemed to notice, not even actual school officials. Last week, confused Brooklyn school officials received furious disciplinary letters from a regional school food manager threatening to fire anyone who ordered any more butter: “Please explain why your managers are ordering BUTTER!!!” screamed one email. “Every Manager on this list has to get a disciplinary letter by close of business next week Friday (5/10/13). I also want a copy of every letter sent to my office.”
If these managers refuse to comply with the unofficial anti-butter protocol, an offending manager learned, “further disciplinary action will be taken against you which might lead to the termination of your employment with the Office of School Food.”
But we have always been been at war with Eastasia, and the City Education Department has always not banned butter from the menu: “We’re not banning butter,” spokeswoman Margie Feinberg said. “We just haven’t used it in our recipes since 2008.”
Uh huh, fascist. But now, nearly five years later, butter has already become a thoughtcrime among New York’s most innocent children, like the indoctrinated six-year-old Vivian Parker of Williamsburg: “They don’t have butter at my school. They said it makes you fat. I don’t like butter anyway. They have cream cheese for our bagels instead. I love cream cheese.”
Welcome to George Orwell’s dairy dystopia…which means that Paula Deen is now leading the resistance? What a weird world we live in. Black is white. Love is hate. Two and two make five. Paula Deen is a butter revolutionary. The kids don’t care.
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