Long before The Braiser graced the Internet, this cake happened.
This is a cake commissioned by Donald Trump from Buddy Valastro of the TLC series Cake Boss, in honor of Ann Romney.
Let’s go past all of the obvious jokes about The Donald’s taste, Ann’s edible choco-rictus of a head, and that really angry horse. The important thing is that Buddy will never be able to feature this cake on his show.
See, the cake was commissioned for an event that both celebrated Ann’s birthday and served as a mega-fundraiser for her husband’s presidential campaign. And this is where the FCC steps in and ruins all our fun: The Equal Time rule, encoded in the Communications Act of 1934, prevents candidates for public office from appearing on broadcast television in ways unrelated to the news cycle, without the network devoting an equal amount of time to their opponents. So while broadcast networks can cover presidential candidates on news programs however they want, they can’t, say, rerun the episodes of Law and Order that candidates starred in on NBC without devoting an equal amount of time to every other candidate.
Technically these rules don’t apply to cable, but that’s due to a lack of precedent rather than an actual exemption, and we doubt that TLC wants to build a precedent-setting argument appealing the FCC’s rules, or worse, put Sasha and Michelle on Toddlers & Tiaras.
But federal regulation cannot prevent us from wondering what that episode of Cake Boss would have been like:
“Aftah we doity-iced the cake, we covahed it in white fawndawnt, and then used green icing to make it look like a field of grass. I got the girls makin’ stumps and flowahs! Ralphie Boy’s makin’ this HUUUGE horse usin’ rice cereal treats! And I’m sculptin’ Ann Rawhmney’s face out of modelin’ chocolate.”
Donald yelling at Buddy? Buddy’s sisters yelling back at Donald? Mauro philosophizing over the nature of a horse? We reiterate: Best Imaginary Episode of Cake Boss Ever. We leave it to you, dear reader, to imagine what weakly folksy praises Mitt Romney would sing about that cake.
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