Heston Blumenthal Disappoints Brits By Making Mediocre Frozen British Foods
Damn you, Heston Blumenthal! Before you came along, British food was unpalatable and boring. Then all of a sudden, you started doing your fancy schmancy, molecular gastro-Fat Duck-Waitrose-Queen-Basket thing, and now everybody in England thinks that they deserve to eat a national cuisine that hasn’t been tasty since World War I.
It’s no surprise at all that they don’t get your recent line of frozen dinners for Waitrose. As Guardian writer James Ramsden put it, they all taste “peculiarly safe and, well, dull,” but what we see is your homage — nay, meticulous historical recreation — of British cuisine as it’s existed over the past fifty years.
Onto the shepherd’s pie, a dish that I’ve long believed stands or falls on the quality of its mash, and I’m sure you agree. You’ve spent many hours getting your mash right, analysing water content and starch levels of various potato varieties in order to achieve the smoothest results. This mash is smooth all right – it would do a plasterer well. It also remains oddly straight-faced during its half hour in the oven, unwilling to adopt the golden crust one yearns for.
We are so sorry that Ramsden hasn’t understood your artistic vision. Heck, if the stars aligned, you could have won Time Machine Chefs with this recreation of British postwar fare. Just put some Spam on it!
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