According to Scientists, James Bond Is A Raging Alcoholic Who Shouldn’t Be Able to Do Bond Things

It’s a good thing that James Bond is fictional, because otherwise there’d be no way to explain how the hell he can be an international super-spy while knocking back 45 drinks a week, according to the fanboys scientists at the Nottingham University Hospital in England.

Over the course of a year, Dr. Indra Neil Guha and his colleagues went through the entirety of Ian Fleming’s canon and tabulated how many drinks Bond consumed on a daily basis, discovering that, on average, Bond knocked back six or seven drinks a day. In an interview with NPR, they added that each drink has about two to three “alcoholic units” in each beverage (or the equivalent of one shot), meaning that James Bond was schwasted in all of the books, all of the time:

It wasn’t just chronic drinking that roughed up Bond’s liver. He also went on some mean benders. In Casino Royale, Bond knocked back nearly 20 drinks before going on a high-speed car chase, getting in a wreck and then spending two weeks in the hospital. “We hope that this was a salutary lesson,” the authors wrote dryly.

And, unless James Bond was really a super-android with the ability to change his face (and turn blonde), the alcohol would have devastated his liver and brain:

“This man clearly consumed what are considered to be harmful amounts of alcohol,” says psychiatrist Peter Martin, who directs the Vanderbilt Addiction Center. “There are data that show that drinking like this, about 100 grams of alcohol a day, is highly likely to be associated with liver cirrhosis and also cognitive deficits.” It would also be likely to increase risks for depression and sexual dysfunction, conditions that would not be very Bondian…

“Bond isn’t going to be downing three or four martinis, and then winning a fight with five guys,” [Duke neuropsychologist Scott Swartzwelder] tells Shots. “He might be starting the fights, but he’s not winning them.”

But the scientists running the study forgot one crucial fact: if you’re attractive, the laws of alcoholism don’t apply to you.


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