The Braiser, we focus our time and reporting on celebrity chefs — people who have become famous for their skill at making incredible food. We cherish every bite we’ve been fortunate enough to eat at their restaurants, and drool over the food we haven’t yet been able to try. But that’s not the only unattainable food we crave. Movies, television shows, books, and even Saturday Night Live sketches have been known to inspire some serious food envy. The problem is that most of it isn’t real.
Community fans can whip up any time they want, and Abed’s “special drink” Seinfeld’s food moments involve actual food, but what about the rest? What about the fictional foods that, for better or worse, will never exist in the real world? We’ve compiled a list of our favorite made up foods that we wish we could try in real life.
NOTE: Some of these (
ahem ) can actually be made at home. While we haven’t yet tried it, we encourage anyone who is interested to give it a shot, and let us know how they are. Also, let us know what fictional foods Cheesy Blasters you would love to try in the comments.
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The Brownie Husband from SNL
"the perfect blend of rich fudge and emotional intimacy", the Brownie Husband is the kind of thing that chocoholics dream about. Because essentially, it's a life-sized brownie. Even if you're not in the target demographic everyone should try a brownie that's as big as they are at least once. It would definitely be a hit at birthday parties... although we wouldn't recommend it for anyone under 18.
Monty Python's Crunchy Frog
Okay, so maybe we don't want to actually
eat a crunchy frog, but we'd definitely stop into any store that sold them. The "delicacy" is made of "the finest baby frogs, which are dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest-quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose". Well, at least they can't be accused of false advertising.
Wonka's Fizzy Lifting Drink
Three-Course-Dinner-In-A-Piece-Of-Gum tends to be the more popular selection from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, we'd rather wait until Wonka manages to work out its kinks. Instead, we'd prefer to get our hands on some , the soda that makes you float. Our favorite part? If you find yourself too far off the ground, all you have to do is burp, and you'll lose some altitude. Now Fizzy Lifting Drink that's fun for the whole family.
A Goodburger With Ed's Sauce
Goodburger is a movie based on the All That sketch of the same name. Their burgers aren't particularly special, but once , they become irresistible. So irresistible, in fact, that the sauce singlehandedly saved the restaurant from going bankrupt. We definitely want to try any sauce that's Ed's sauce is added that good. (Although, we'll pass on the milkshakes).
Even if you've never watched an episode of
Spongebob Squarepants, you're most likely familiar with a Krabby Patty. Sure, your average burger or crabcake or burger/crabcake combo is good, but is anyone plotting to steal the secret formula? We didn't think so. Just be careful -- they go straight to your thighs, and can make you explode. All in all, though, they're still probably healthier than a Big Mac.
Sabor de Soledad and Cheesy Blasters
Liz Lemon has a diet that would kill most people. She regularly indulges in night cheese(while wearing a snuggie, natch), can shotgun an entire pizza, and was turned away from a hot dog stand because the vendor was worried about her health. But the two foods she loves most are her off-brand Mexican cheese puffs and Cheesy Blasters. Sabor de Soledad, which means "Flavor of Lonliness" is Liz's preferred comfort food, although they have some... interesting side effects. Cheesy Blasters, whose mascot is the skateboarding Meat Cat is a hot dog/pizza/jack cheese hybrid that even Tracy Jordan can't eat.
Homer's Moon Waffles
(to give them their proper title) are waffles made with caramel and liquid smoke. Then, the entire thing is wrapped around a stick of butter and eaten. While we're pretty sure these are an instant heart attack guarantee, the real reason they've made it onto the list is becuase we can't believe Homer's Patented Space Age Out of This World Moon Waffles Richard Blais hasn't tried to make some version of these -- liquid smoke is right up his alley. So, Blais, if you're reading this: add them to a brunch menu, asap.
The Word Feast in Dictionopolis
In one of the first chapters of
The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster, Milo has dinner with the King of Dictionopolis, the land of words. Before dinner, everyone makes a speech, and then they are served the words that make up their speech. Apparently, if you say "grape jelly", the words actually taste like grape jelly There's no way we'd ever pass up the chance to eat words -- we are writers, after all.
Skip's Scramble, from Arrested Development is dish that combines every item on the menu at Skip's Church Bistro with scrambled eggs. While the show's narrator warns not to order the scramble, it's definitely safer than the Bluth family's fictional food contraption, . Granted, it's a bit like playing Russian Roulette with food poisoning instead of bullets, but anything has to be better than grease burns. The Cornballer
Anything and Everything from Honeyduke's
is the amazing candy shop located in Honeyduke's Hogsmeade, the Scottish town near Hogwarts. Students save up their pocket money for weeks before visiting because this place has it all: Fizzing Whizbees which make you fly, Acid Pops that actually burn a hole through your tongue, Toothflossing Stringmints to clean your teeth, every kind of chocolate imaginable, and the candy everyone loves to hate, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. Honeydukes is also one of the few Wizarding candy stores that carries vampire candy like Blood Pops. How could anyone not want to got there?
Ron Swanson is a manly man who's primary food group is meat and who would rather follow his "Pyramid of Greatness" than the food pyramid. So, when he eats at a fair, he doesn't mess around with whatever everyone else eats. No, Ron prefers The Swanson, an entire turkey leg wrapped in bacon. Sure, it sounds easy to replicate, but that doesn't mean it's easy to eat -- we're willing to take one for the team, though, and give it a shot.
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