If there’s anything that’s become a Big Thing this year, it’s the twisted combo of food and sex, immortalized in book form. The reigning Emperor/ress of Food Porn for years has been Ruth Bourdain, whose book Comfort Me With Offal quaked the loins of food lovers everywhere. But when F.L. Fowler recently published 50 Shades Of Chicken, a cookbook about a shy young chick with an undeniable, juicy appeal, we couldn’t help but wonder: What the f*** is up with the people f***ing their food?
Since these two ladies (well, we know one of them is a lady) are at the top of their sex game, we sent them sex questionnaires to see what gets their juices flowing, their souffles rising, their geoducks firming, their…well, you get the idea. Warning: do not read ahead if you’re a food puritan.
How do you prefer your cherries?
Ruth Bourdain (RB): Popped.
F.L. Fowler (FLF): Busted, if memory serves.
What are the three sexiest uses for kitchen tools?
RB: Kitchen tools or gadgets? My favorite kitchen tool is Rocco DiSpirito. I use him to play the sex game Now Eat This! loosely based on his book of the same name. As for gadgets, there’s nothing sexier than a vertical chicken roaster. Also, a high-quality turkey baster is a must if you are a master baster like myself.
FLF: There are a few TV chefs I could put to very good use. But I suppose you mean implements. The kitchen and the bedroom should be mixed with caution. A big, firm parsnip can make your day, but amateurs should steer clear of cast-iron upright roasters and immersion blenders. If you swing the other way though, a pro-grade vibrator can always whip your cream into stiff peaks.
Chicken: spatchcocked or trussed?
RB: I’m not really into S&M, so no trussing for me. Spatchcocking is the most erotic way to treat a chicken (plus, the white meat doesn’t dry out before the thighs are cooked).
FLF: It really depends on how sarcastic your chicken has been. Trussing can be a very intense inward journey, but a spatchcocked chicken gives it up pretty quick. Either way, lesson learned. Pro tip: have a camera ready to capture the awkward pause when you tell your family you just spatchcocked the chicken.
What so-called erotic food has done nothing for you?
RB: Oysters. I love to eat them, but they never do anything for me sexually (shells can be a little rough). On the other hand, in my experience, banana peels = sex. Just have two people walk in the nude over a banana peel and they will slip into all sorts of incredible sexual positions.
FLF: Green M&M’s failed to get me laid for decades.
Let’s play some “kill, marry, screw,” but with Top Chef contestants.
RB: Kill: Stephen Aspirinio. Kill: Marcel Vigneron. Kill: Angelo Sosa.
FLF: That game is just so “Twilight”! I guess I’d do a trifecta and make hot vampire spouses out of Fabio Vivani and Stephanie Izard. Richard Blais might already be one, so I’ll save my last bloodletting for Padma.
You’re home alone by yourself one lonely night. Ding dong! Someone’s at the door. Who do you hope is on the other side, and what kind of sausage are they carrying?
RB: Mario Batali. He has a nice soppressata he always carries in his underwear with this weird garnish of orange colored curly parsley.
FLF: After reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” three times I’m pretty paranoid of stalkers. But last week I had a dream where I drunk-sexted Jamie Oliver and he sent me back a naked selfie – oddly enough holding the final Ding-Dong.
Okay, fine, let’s stop evading the obvious and cut through the innuendo. Sex. Food. Do you like them? And do you like them together?
RB: Not only do sex and food go together, there’s plenty of sex you can have with foodstuffs, from geoduck clams to the fruit of the coco de mer (also known as the love nut).
FLF: No, no, and blrckdnnht, or however it is you spell the sound of accidentally choking a Nespresso up your nose.
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