Once upon a time, Twinkies held America close, gave it a kiss on the forehead, and said it needed to go to the corner store to pick up cigarettes. America didn’t know at the time why Twinkies had been blinking back tears, until it picked up the paper the next morning and saw the blaring headline: “HOSTESS DECLARES BANKRUPTCY, DISCONTINUES TWINKIES PRODUCTION.”
Twinkies never came back to America that night.
What could America tell the squalling children at its knee, begging for Twinkies and Ding-Dongs to return? “Ssshhhh, honey, it’s all right. Twinkies are off fighting some very bad men in Iraq, who want to hurt us.” “Hush, child, Twinkies will come home one day with a bag full of toys for you to play with, covered in sugary cream-syrup.” “Stop talking about Twinkies, all right?! Just…just eat that Crustables. It’s the best I can do right now. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m trying…I’m trying so hard. I miss Twinkies, too. But this is what we need to do for now.”
Bravely, America soldiered on, convincing itself that it had an unhealthy relationship with Twinkies, eventually attempting to move on with a look-alike dreamed up by Giada De Laurentiis. Sometimes, it heard rumors that Twinkies was living it up with Pabst Blue Ribbon, starting over in New York and perhaps becoming rich.
(“I’m gonna run away some day,” America remembered Twinkies mumbling over its cold morning coffee one morning. “I’m gonna run away and become a millionaire, and I’ll come back and take care of y’all.”)
But this morning, America fainted upon reading the news from the LA Times:
Twinkies are set for an official comeback July 15. So junk food aficionados and loyal Twinkie fans can breathe a sigh of relief (and you can finally stop rationing your secret stash).
[PBR makers] Metropoulos & Co. and Apollo Group, the firms that purchased Twinkies and other Hostess products when Hostess Brands Inc. shut down in 2012, is bringing the original Twinkie back.
Looks like the prayers of every golden-sponge-cake-creamy-filling lover have been answered. And Hostess knows it. The words “The Sweetest Comeback in History Ever” will be written, right on the new Twinkie boxes.
“Twinkies’s coming home,” America sobbed into the arms of its obese children, clutching the Times with a shaking hand. “I can’t believe it, I never thought it would happen…we’re going to be a family again.”
And every night, as it counted down towards their July 15th reunion, America had sugary dreams that night — dreams it had not dared to dream ever since it was diagnosed with diabetes.
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