The Anthony Bourdain / Pokémon Go Fan Fiction You Never Knew You Needed

We don’t know whether Anthony Bourdain is involved in the Pokémon Go craze. But we really, really want him to be. That’s because if he did, he might write things like this:

12:51 PMName: SnorlaxNotes: Finally, a Pokémon that gets it: the living epitome of the unbearable ennui that characterizes life in the modern age. Despite having the mass of a cement truck, the Snorlax has the calm bearing of a yogi. Its rhythmic snoring chimes the steadfast paternoster of enlightened meditation. This is one Pokémon that truly doesn’t give a shit. One cannot help but feel humbled to be in the face of divinity.Status: Not Caught

McSweeny’s published the ultimate Anthony Bourdain / Pokémon go fan-fiction, and you simply have to read it. Here are some of our favorite lines:

• On Pidgey: “Even I can see that this is the asshole of the Pokémon world.”
• On Weedle: “Thousands of years of predator-prey coevolution has produced nature’s most ingeniously duplicitous design: ‘the Buttface.'”
• On
  Ekans: “Like the children of parents who name them Daenerys or Leia, we can hardly blame this poor snake for the egregious reverse anagram that it is cursed to reiterate with every waking sound.”
• On Jigglypuff: “For all the Hugh Jackmans in the world destined to absolve their lofty appellations with ease, we have the Jigglypuffs, who, sadly, are neither jiggly nor puffy. Yet another tragic casualty of wishful branding.”
• On Magnemite: “Born on the last day of Creation, when the Pokémon God just said, ‘F*ck it.'”

–