Stephen Colbert Mocks Howard Schultz for ‘Suspending’ His DOA Independent Presidential Campaign
CBS Late Show host Stephen Colbert mocked Starbucks billionaire Howard Schultz for “suspending” a nearly five-month-old independent presidential campaign that had failed to generate any discernible interest among the American public.
“He ‘suspended’ it,” Colbert joked, using air quotes. “Just like we ‘suspended’ the family dog to a nice farm upstate where he can ‘run for president,’ too.”
Despite an initial media fixation with his campaign, Schultz could only attract small, apathetic crowds and angry hecklers who would attack him for risking the inadvertent re-election of President Donald Trump. Last month, Schultz seemed to hedge on his plan to run, and suggested he would only enter the race if former Vice President Joe Biden didn’t win the Democratic nomination.
“He hasn’t officially given up,” Colbert noted of the Schultz campaign’s latest announcement. “Though he did fire most of his campaign staff in a move that an aide called ‘realigning the team for the next phase of his exploration.’ He has got the corporate lingo down,” Colbert said, laughing. Then, assuming the role of Schultz, Colbert added: “I’ve begun pro-active streamlining due to the lack of synergy between me and having a frappuccino’s chance in hell.”
Schultz’s announcement attributed the campaign suspension to several recent back surgeries that limited his ability to travel. “Today, I am feeling much better, and my doctors foresee a full recovery,” Schultz wrote, which prompted a skeptical Colbert to offer up a theory. “Well, that’s great news. Although, I do have a hunch how he got hurt. ‘Guys, have you seen my polling numbers? There’s only one dignified way out of this. Quick, throw me down a flight of stairs!'”
Watch the video above, via CBS.
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