Former Florida Governor and Future Former Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush grossed out the entire extinct population of Krypton this week when he revealed his sweaty hots for Supergirl during a forum with the LIBRE Initiative, a Hispanic economic organization. Asked to name his favorite superhero, Bush told the moderator that Batman is “a little dark these days,” but there was one caped crusader who got his attention while he worked the Stairmaster:
“I saw that there’s Super Girl is on TV. I saw it when I was working out this morning, there was an ad promoting Super Girl. She looked pretty hot. I don’t know what channel it’s on, but I’m looking forward to that.”
Ewww, Jeb. Forget, for a moment, the pure objectification in judging Supergirl solely on her looks (not a liability in Republican politics). Supergirl is 24 years old, young enough to be your granddaughter, and an entire generation removed from the “Half-Plus-Seven Rule.” I’m pretty sure you’re also too old to think Calista Flockart is hot.
Since Jeb! can’t seem to get any traction with voters, I thought this revelation might just make him a contender in the Republican Creepy Primary, where the field is wide open. Here, in no particular order, is how Jeb stacks up against the competition. Which one really gives you that Silence of the Lambs “tucking scene” feeling? You can vote for your favorite in the comments, or on Twitter.
This might be an early knockout for Bush, because while Rand Paul didn’t personally do the creepy thing in this video, he continues to employ the campaign spokesman who did:
“A lot of people who go into prison, go into prison straight, and when they come out they’re gay. So did something happen while they were in there?”
Tell us about it, Doc.
As in real life, Trump’s entry into this field could spell real trouble for Jeb Bush. Whether he’s insulting Jeb’s wife and rubbing his face in it, or just telling the world how hot he is for his own daughter, the Donald’s got it all over Jeb:
Aside from his weird penchant for constant thirst, Marco Rubio also has some creepy ideas about what to expect when you’re expecting an incest rape baby, namely that you should be forced to give birth to the child your dad raped into you, even if it kills you:
If you weren’t put off by the subtle sexual undercurrent of “Machine Gun Bacon” (not an actual machine gun), then maybe your stomach is strong enough for Cruz’s fantasy vagina, featuring a “hymen” that grows back, Wolverine-style:
In one debate, he proposed a method to detect infidelity in which God should “give women a hymen that grows back every time she has intercourse with a different guy, because that will be a ‘visible sign’ of the breach of trust”
My guess is that Ted Cruz is gonna need x-ray vision to get a peek at anyone’s vagina.
He’s barely a blip on the polling radar, but when he’s not crushing on his own “tough guy” act, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie can make voters shiver like Vincent Price in a Viagra ad. Take your pick between Christie’s gross oral sex quio to some female protesters, or his meal-inappropriate overshare at a diner:
He might not ever get within shouting distance of the White House, but Mike Huckabee is right in the thick of our windowless van primary. If you feel like you need a shower after this, just make sure you don’t take it in a girl’s locker room:
Finally, there’s up-and-comer Carly Fiorina, who enjoyed a brief polling surge after the last debate, only to see it slip away. When it comes to wild fantasies, though, it will be damn near impossible to push past Fiorina in this race when voters check out what gets her all worked up:
This is an opinion piece. The views expressed in this article are those of just the author.