And so it begins. With one decision, the traitor Chris Christie has set in motion the series of events that will lead to the Revolt of the Children. Jesse Koczon, the five-year-old “Governor for a Day” of New Jersey is only the first. Soon every state will be run by children who were once “too small” for power. They will force anyone past puberty into slave labor and, when we balk, they will cry in adorable YouTube videos until we relent, saying “Aw, fine. Let them enslave us. They’re just so cute!” The end truly is upon us.
Of course, maybe I’m just misinterpreting this. Maybe it’s all benevolent. Perhaps Gov. Christie’s just making sure as many people get a chance to feel the thrill of civil service before the government’s shut down forever. However, if I’m right, I promise to curse the Governor’s name when I inevitably find myself standing on a beach, staring at the charred remains of the Statue of Liberty, surrounded by Lego playsets and warn out Wiggles DVDs. “You finally did it, Christie! You maniac! Goddamn you to Hell!”
Either way, watch the press conference as Christie cedes power over to Jesse and his brother Brandon below. Christie is pretty darn charming and the kids are adorable.
Of course, that’s just what they want us to think…
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