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Prepare For The ‘Outrage’: Archie Comics To Feature A Gay Wedding

Uh oh! Did you hear that? Another comic book has dared to depict a world that actually reflects the one we live in. You know what that means, the country’s ready to flip out for a day!

Yes, Kevin Keller, the young gay man who is incidentally also a cartoon and not real, is getting married. Keller, if you recall, caused a previous bout of nonsensical controversy merely by existing when he was introduced to the world of Archie Comics a year ago.

Whoa! Getting married after only being around for a year? Way to show up those two-dimensional breeders, Kev.

So clearly all of our nation’s children are going to run out and get gay married now, right? After all, the childhood obesity epidemic only started when Jughead ate his first hamburger. And we all know how many kids yearly get seriously injured trying to carve crosshatches into their heads.

Sure, like the “black Spider-Man” kerfuffle from a few months ago, this gay marriage takes place in an alternate title and isn’t canon to the real Archie universe, but whatever! This is real! It’s happening! Drudge picked it up!

Now I know what the argument is for people who are going to try to make a big deal out of this. It’s not that they have anything against gay people, per se. They just don’t think it’s a subject that belongs in children’s entertainment. I totally agree. And, you know what? Race is a tricky subject too! That’s why every character on TV should be played by a white person! Then, when the parent thinks their child is old enough (lets say around the time they’re shipping off to college), they can explain to them that Maria on Sesame Street was actually secretly Hispanic the whole time. That’s so much easier!

Seriously though, if we don’t do anything, America’s going to be in trouble. With this comic book coming out (no pun intended) and Chaz Bono dancing with stars, it’s only a matter of time before every child out there is a gay married transsexual. Because, as all science will tell you, children merely have to set eyes on LGBT people and they instantly turn into one themselves. It’s like the alternate lifestyle version of Medusa and stone.

In other news, everyone is ignoring the biggest story here; it’s the year 2011 and we’re talking about Archie Comics.

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