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This News Story About A Huge Brawl At A Boston Wedding Is The Best Thing You’ll Read Today

You know those fun dinner theater shows with interactive weddings? The ones with names like Mario and Angie’s Big Crazy Family in which the audience mills around like guests at the event while actors talk to them as delightful familial and ethnic stereotypes? Well, I’ve got half a mind to believe that Boston Herald writer Jessica Heslam went to see one of these and then accidentally wrote it up as fact. That’s the only way to explain the ridiculous awesomeness of her article about a giant fight at a Boston wedding.

Apparently, multiple people (including the mother of the groom!) were arrested after a huge fight broke out at a wedding this past weekend after the groom’s brothers were denied alcohol by the bar infuriating the groom. I’d try to describe the event to you but I wasn’t there and, more importantly, there’s no way I’m going to be able to recapture how sublime some of these quotes are:

“When the bride’s brother approached [groom Anthony] DeIorio-Weiner, the groom punched him and the pair were soon tussling on the floor, police say.

Danvers cops showed up and found a surreal scene: Wedding guests yelling, screaming and rolling around on the ground in a pig pile. At one point, police said, the groom’s mother, Darlene, attacked the bride’s mom.

Darlene’s version of the story is a bit different. It was all about disrespect, she said. According to her, the whole kerfuffle began when the bride’s mother began yelling at Darlene’s 70-year-old mother and waving her finger in her face.

Darlene claims she went to leave but was insulted by her ex-boyfriend’s galpal, who told her she was no lady.”

The best part is that, while reading this, you can’t help but picture Heslam desperately scribbling down accounts as the family members went on and on about “disrespect.” Seriously, I know people got hurt and arrested and all, but this family sounds like the most fun ever.

I wish the young couple the best and kind of hope they invite me to their first baby’s Christening.

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