It happened. Breitbart canned Steve Bannon. He’s out of a damned job. But being unemployed is boring for a strapping lad such as himself, one filled with only the freshest and youngest of ideas. What should he do with himself now that he’s free from the ole ball and chains?
Here are five jobs he should apply for now that he’s unemployed and, yes, we know that some of these aren’t actual jobs. He’s a multi-multi-millionaire and will be just fine, thank you very much.
Working the stock room at Old Navy
If there’s one thing you can say about Steve Bannon, it’s that the dude loves his layers. He loves shirts so much that he can often be seen wearing three at a time, like some kind of Chinese puzzle box of cheaply sourced cotton.
Who has more cheaply produced cotton than Old Navy? He’d be in layer heaven, except, you know, for the company’s obvious liberal agenda. Steve, Welcome to the Resistance.
Manager at a Holiday Inn in Manchester, New Hampshire
One of the best moments from Michael Wolff’s barnstorming tell-all is when Bannon said that he would not have conducted the infamous Russian lawyer meeting… at Trump Tower. Rather, he would have moved the dirt session to, and I quote, “a Holiday Inn in Manchester, New Hampshire.”
That’s pretty specific, right? Does he own a stake in one particular New Hampshire Holiday Inn? Does he perhaps want to?
Just picture it. Russian families pouring in to the lobby. A friendly Bannon helping them to their rooms, wheezing as he heaves their luggage, all while collecting potentially damning information about Hillary Clinton in the elevator ride. Late nights at the hotel bar, schmoozing with businessmen over his eighth green smoothie. It’d be a pretty sweet life. Follow your dreams, Steve!
Re-uniting Seinfeld
Little known fact, or medium known fact, Bannon has a stake in mega-popular sitcom Seinfeld, meaning he gets a cut every time it airs in syndication. The only problem? Syndication is a dying art and he’s already squeezed all he is going to get out of Hulu and other streaming properties.
The solution? Get the gang back together! At the very least, we know Kramer will be on board. Too soon?
Distilling white cultural grievance into a political movement, hijacking a popular conservative site for his own gain and then flaming out spectacularly after dishing on the president to a known gossip hound.
Wait, never mind.
Starting his own podcast
Breitbart fired him, along with Sirius XM. The Mercers have cut ties. Heck, even Fox News won’t have him on. What is left for a disgraced political operator such as himself? The wild and wooly world of podcasting, of course.
“WTH with Steven K. Bannon.” He can sit in his garage and interview prominent alt-right intellectuals like, uh, you know, that one guy who accuses everyone of being a pedophile. OK. Not exactly a deep bench. Milo?
Becoming a health guru
A third grader on Twitter once labeled Bannon as “Sloppy Steve,” calling attention to the fact that he isn’t exactly the most put together guy on the block.
Well, whether you believe it or not, Bannon has stated that his supposed sloppiness has nothing to do with drinking. He has stated that he quit the spirits back in 1998, even performing a daily “spiritual meditation” in order to remain sober.
Additionally, after getting fired from the White House, he went on an intense juice cleanse and even hooked up with a personal trainer.
In other words, he’s ready, willing and, potentially — after a few more smoothies — able to become a health and fitness guru, advising people on how to keep it together in this hectic modern world. He could even team up with the male-supplement-peddlers over at Infowars. Stranger things have happened, after all, which he ought to know. He helped organize one of them.
[image via screenshot]
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