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Artie Lange’s Version Of Hell? Being Stuck With A Peeing Newt Gingrich In An Airplane Bathroom

Artie Lange was a guest on Joy Behar‘s show Thursday night, and gave one of the most entertaining interviews ever seen on HLN.

Behar pulled no punches with her questions, asking Lange about everything from his suicide attempt to his time in the psych ward. And Lange didn’t shy away from the answers, cracking self-effacing jokes and sharp comebacks. Some of the highlights:

On his attempted suicide:
“It was more just an attempt to try and get some rest. It was a little bit misconstrued. I thought if I lost enough blood, I’d get some rest.”

On why Lange stabbed himself in the stomach instead of going for veins: “I didn’t go to medical school, I don’t know where veins are.”

On if he abused heroin?: “You think I skipped that? What, do you think I went right to heroin? Kindergarten to Harvard?”

On where he got his heroin: “You want an address? Listen, I’ll give you the number after the show, Joy.”

On the loss of control and forgetting things when on drugs: “This actually happened to me. I’m walking down Sixth Avenue a few weeks ago and a guy comes up to me and says, ‘Hey, remember we hung out together a few years ago in Portland, Oregon?’ I go, ‘I’ve never been to Portland, Oregon.’ And then he takes out his iPhone and he shows me a picture of me and him, literally in front of a sign that says, ‘Welcome to Portland, Oregon.’ I go, ‘Well you win that one. What was it like there?'”

Coming back from the commercial break: “Welcome back to Intervention.”

On his time in a psych ward: “It was like One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, except without any of the charisma or the big Indian guy who could play basketball. I had nobody like that. It was always the fat guy who was schizophrenic who never got his medication on time would wander into my room at 3 a.m. and want to talk about the Knncks or something.”

On his version of hell: “What if I die and I wake up and I’m in a bathroom on an airplane, and right next to me is Newt Gingrich taking a leak? Just me and him. And Satan shows up and says, ‘Listen, you guys can never leave. I’ll see ya.’ And that’s it.”

Watch a clip of Lange’s Gingrich crack below, courtesy of HLN. Lange can be heard every night from 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. on The Nick and Artie Show

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