When I think of Christmas, my mind obviously and immediately turns to everyone favorite and jolliest North Pole resident, Fox News’ Neil Cavuto. In this year’s installment of his “Annual Christmas Shopping Tips for Men,” Cavuto kicked off with a word of advice to women viewers: “[I]f I sound sexist, please get over it,” as visions of sugar plums hang limply in our heads.
Cavuto’s first tip was a good one: “Don’t Think Too Much.” See, although I possess ovaries and a whole mess of fallopian tubes and, as such, am a natural-born nurturer and gift-giver, I usually end up giving most people on my list a gently-used candle, a $2.73 gift card to the Olive Garden of their choice, or a few loose Life Savers that had been rattling in my purse since last Fourth of July. Don’t overthink it! It’s the thought that counts!
Tip #2: “Avoid All Sales.” I think I found those Life Savers on the F train, but am not sure if that counts as a “sale,” really. That said, all men should avoid sales because, according to Cavuto, we women will know of your cheapskate ways and will sprinkle special voodoo dust on your penis as you sleep. When you awake, your member will vaguely resemble current-day Mickey Rourke and have developed the ability to hum the theme from Titanic. It will be awful for you, gentlemen. Just awful.
Tip #3: “Never Get Off The Cashier Line.” Sound advice, although I would expand it to read “Never Get Off While I’m The Cashier Line.” Men, amiright?
Tip #4: “Think Kiosks.” Because who doesn’t like getting pieces of shit for Christmas?
Tip #5: “Embraced Processed Meats and Cheeses.” Better yet, personalize your gift by drawing a happy face or scribbling a sweet message on a Kraft Single before stapling it to your beloved’s Christmas stocking. Spell “Olive You” on her pillow with pieces of olive loaf. Your wife — Or your husband. Who am I to assume? — will appreciate both your thoughtfulness and your creativity.
Tip #6: “Never Guess on Sizes.” Ack! Good tip! This is because, until we’re successful in getting back down to our birth weight, we ladies are constantly afraid that we’re too fat.
Tip #7: “Never Buy Gift Certificates.” Ladies prefer coupons. Or babies.
Tip #8: “Never Ask for Advice at the Mall.” Women will try to trick you into buying a gift that’s more luxurious, thoughtful, or beautiful than you’re willing to give. It’s something we all decided on during our last coven meeting, the one where we also all decided that Ryan Gosling was hot, for some reason.
Tip #9: “Think Domino’s… 30 Minutes or Less.” Or better yet, just order her some Domino’s.
Tip #10: “Pretend You’re Deathly Ill On Line.” Or just pay a visit to the food court’s Taco Bell before you shop.
Check it out, from Fox News:
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