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John Oliver Issues Several ‘Retractions,’ Including That Myspace is Back: ‘It Was Never Tom Time, Motherf*ckers’

To promote his triumphant return to HBO on September 9, Last Week Tonight‘s John Oliver decided to issue a few retractions to settle the score on a number of concerns.

“Just a few weeks ago, I said, and I quote: ‘MySpace is back, baby! It’s Tom Time, motherf**kers!’” Oliver said.

“Unfortunately it seems that I may have spoken too soon. Our research staff obtained documents that indicate that MySpace is emphatically not actually back, and it is my sad duty to inform you that it is not now, nor was it ever, Tom Time, motherfuckers.”

“MySpace does technically still exist,” he added.. “But it remains an internet graveyard populated by ska bands that broke up seven years ago.”

He also corrected the record on trains being “buses that fuck,” explaining that they’re actually “airplanes that pee sitting down.”

Speaking of airplanes, the little bags of blue chips that you get on flights aren’t, as Oliver claimed, slices of Grover’s arms. They have a hint of purple in them, Oliver noted, and so after some inspection, he revealed, they are actually slices of Barney’s penis.

“At least we now know why his genitals are missing,” Oliver quipped.

Watch above, via HBO.

[image via screengrab]

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