No one wants to be associated with this – including the state of New Jersey as a whole. But it happened, and two hours of reality TV later, we now live in a world where this exists. Let’s spend an inordinate amount of time reliving the experience.
We live in a society now where everyone can become famous for nothing. You can be some pseudo-plumber who asks a question of a presidential candidate that gets a news-making response, and suddenly your own opinions on political issues is something deemed worthy of public consumption. You can be a reality star on a show about your tool of a boyfriend and sleep with billionaire golfers. Everyone can be famous for nothing – and that now includes, fake-tanned, uber-egocentric, unbelievably dense “guidos” and “guidettes.”
If you weren’t one of the 1.2 million people who had the pleasure of watching the television masterpiece trainwreck that was Jersey Shore, here are your cast members, in their own words (from their introductory interviews):
Pauly D. – “I don’t try to take a lot of guys girlfriends, but it just happens.” (He’s a DJ. He’s apparently “your girlfriend’s favorite DJ.” He’s also, inexplicably, from Rhode Island, and not Staten Island or Long Island.)
Snooki – “My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey, find a nice, juiced, hot, tan guy and live my life.” (Note: this is not just a dream. It’s her ultimate dream.)
Mike “The Situation” – “If I walked in the door and see myself, I’d probably grab my girl real quick.” (He’s called “The Situation” because his abs are so ripped, they are called “The Situation.” This doesn’t stop him from using the term “The Situation” at many non-ab situations.)
Sammi “Sweetheart” – “If you’re not a guido then you can get the fuck out of my face.” (Lovely. This is the “sweetheart” of the show.)
Vinny – “I went to school, graduated college. That doesn’t shy away from, say, I don’t have fun at night. I party and fist pump with the best of them.” (This is word-for-word what college-guy Vinny said. During the rest of this article, please note that MTV is making Vinny into the “smart” one of the group.)
Jenni “Jwoww” – “I’m like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off.” (She has a boyfriend. She is well aware she will cheat on him in Jersey.)
Ronnie – “Take your shirt off and they come to you. It’s like a fly comes to shit.” (This is actually a very deep quote. “It’s like a fly comes to shit” should be MTV’s tagline for the entire show, and it should be said by everyone before they view each episode.)
Angelina – “If he trusts me it’s going to be great. If he doesn’t I’m going to have to move on, you know?” (Angelina has no idea what she’s in for.)
Now you know our cast members, let’s talk about the two hour show.
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