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SNL Roasts the GOP Candidates Trying Desperately to Be Cool

Tonight’s SNL cold open portrayed a fictional Southern Republican Leadership Conference in which a fake DJ hyped up the super-dope GOP candidates and made the case for why they are totally cool dudes who deserve your vote in 2016.

First there was Mike Huckabee shredding Obamacare and the IRS with his sweet bass riffage. And then there was Ben Carson, who will “blow your mind” with quotes like “Obamacare is the worst thing since slavery.” You might want to “put this guy in prison because he’s gonna steal your vote,” the DJ warned, “but watch out because if sexuality works out the way he says it does, he’s gonna turn gay.”

There’s also Ted Cruz — “hard on immigration and soft on chins” — and he’s about to do what he did to the government, and “shut this mother down.”

Carly Fiorina rode in on a Harley; and Rand Paul skateboarded his way in. “He loves small government and fat blunts,” the DJ said of his mildly pro-legalization stance. Also, he’s “anti-abortion except in the cases where the fetus harshes his buzz.”

And lastly, there’s Marco Rubio, who was all oiled up and tangoing. “Sorry, mamis,” he voted against the Violence Against Women Act.

“Won’t it be fun to watch all these guys lose to Jeb Bush?” the DJ closed.

Watch below, via NBC:

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