Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Trevor Noah Tackle ‘Brutal’ Debate: God Himself Said ‘Jesus, Stop Interrupting Him, You Giant Baby!’
The debate was chaotic from the opening bell, as President Donald Trump continuously interrupted his challenger Joe Biden and the debate moderator, Fox News anchor Chris Wallace.
The two debaters sparred over the Supreme Court, health care, the coronavirus, and Trump’s taxes. At one point, Biden even told Trump to “shut up” and called him a “clown,” while Trump later mocked Biden’s intelligence.
“Tonight was the opening round of Donald Trump versus Joe Biden; the Battle of the Boomers; the Showman versus the Joe-Man,” Colbert said live following the chaotic showdown. “Get ready for democracy to crumble!”
“We have emerged from the mad whirlwind where we gazed upon the forbidden countenance of God himself, and he said unto us, ‘Jesus, stop interrupting him, you giant baby!’” the host added, mocking Trump for repeatedly interrupting Biden.
Colbert joked that viewers of the debate were desperate for a mute button, quipping that his generation was destroyed by the madness on TV — but not as wrecked as Wallace.
“I come to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, an empty vessel, a man with a mind wiped clean. I have stood in the swirling chaos of creation. I have seen Shiva dancing the destruction, wielding his trident carving great gouts out of the universe,” Colbert said. “The sky at once both red, blue, and black until all that remained was a starless void and the hollow husk once known as Chris Wallace.”
The host went on to joke that fact-checking would have been pointless anyway since it was hard to even pinpoint a complete sentence.
“After an hour and a half of soul-pulverizing menace, I feel like I did coming out of Star Wars: Episode One—The Phantom Menace. How can we possibly do this two more times?” Colbert asked. “Ultimately, I think the American people, they were hurt tonight. And if you look online, they’re angry. Because this is a serious moment, where human lives and the future of this irreplaceable country is on the line.”
Colbert also addressed “one of the most telling, one of the most upsetting moments, not only of the night but of my lifetime,” referring to the moment Trump refused to condemn white supremacy, instead telling the far-right neo-fascist group the Proud Boys to “stand back and stand by.”
Kimmel also went live following the debate, joking that he would “call it a nightmare, but at least during a nightmare you get some sleep.”
“It got off to an interesting start, you know; they flipped a coin to determine who would get the first question, but when Trump saw the quarter in the air he said, ‘Hey, that’s how much I paid in taxes last year,’ and it went downhill from there,” Kimmel joked.
“Because of the pandemic, there’s no opening handshake tonight; there’s no physical contact,” he added later. “The candidates remained socially distant the whole time. It was like date night with Melania.”
Fallon wondered if any viewers were able to take away something from the night. “Was that helpful to any American?” he asked. “The only person who enjoyed that was Vladimir Putin while he was stroking a cat.”
“Honestly, sitting through that debate felt like getting a Covid test in both nostrils at once,” Fallon quipped. “Actually, tonight’s debate made history. It was the first time Americans ever watched something on TV and wished there were commercials.”
The host also went after Wallace a bit, joking that it felt like he was a kindergarten teacher trying to teach a class on Zoom.
“Before the debate, Chris Wallace said if he did his job right, it would be like he’s not there. Well, mission accomplished,” he added. “You know things are getting heated when the moderator pleads, ‘Please, gentlemen, let’s return to the topic of race.’”
Noah also did not hold back during his debate reaction, suggesting that during the next debate they book a UFC referee instead of a moderator.
“I’m telling you, man, they need to switch things up, they need to figure something out. Do anything!” Noah added. “Give the next moderator a spray bottle just to spritz them anytime they interrupt. I promise you Trump will be quiet because his hair turns into a gremlin if it gets wet.”
“Whoever decided on this format needs to be fired. Because I don’t know about you at home, but I have never, and I mean never, have wanted to see a commercial break more in my life,” he said. “I cannot do 90 straight minutes of this shit ever again. It was brutal.”
Noah then went on a rant about how debates desperately need fact-checkers, noting that nobody should get to pick a topic just because they’re shouting the loudest.
“We should just let these guys wrestle,” Noah added. “Just let them physically wrestle each other. Because the reality is, everyone’s made up their mind. There’s no such thing as an undecided voter, it’s just people too embarrassed to say how they’ll vote. So let’s entertain America at least, with two old men wrestling. And the winner gets a free hip replacement.”
Watch live, via YouTube.
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