made his best attempt at capturing the news cycle again when he revealed to Donald Trump Fox & Friends this week that on Wednesday he will reveal “something very, very big concerning the president of the United States.”
Naturally, because this huge announcement is totally top secret, Trump provided little detail beyond letting us all know that this story is “going to be very big” and “you will cover it in a very big fashion” and, oh yeah, it will be “very big” and “bigger than anybody would know.”
In fact, the news is going to be so big that it can’t possibly be the rumor that President Obama was a cocaine dealer in college (which a Trump rep
shot down this morning). A “ respected financial pundit” claims Trump’s huge leak is the divorce papers of Barack and Michelle Obama from decades ago. Sounds plausible, but it must be something bigger, right?
We don’t normally get into the speculation game, but this story is just so BIG and HUGE, that we’ve decided to put our super amazing soothsaying skills to the test and predict the top eight possibilities for what Trump has up his sleeve.
There's no cross domain hackery or tracking voodoo, it's just some sweet jQuery animations.
Please, think of the animations.
In the meantime, enjoy the html version below. I guess. If that's your thing.
#8 - The Doctor
During his many travels, Trump's private investigator discovered an articulate homeless man named "The Doctor," who wears a tinfoil hat and claims to have delivered Barack Obama at Port Reitz District Hospital in Mombasa, Kenya in 1961.
#7 - Hampton University Speech
"I've just seen a truly damning video on the YouTubes of Obama cow-towing to Rev.
Jeremiah Wright at some college in 2007," Trump will say. "It's going to be huge! Truly damning stuff. America is going to fire Obama for this."
"THE ACCENT. THE ANGER. THE ACCUSATIONS. THE SERMON," he will likely tweet.
Somehow, we all will likely think, he missed the memo from earlier this month.
#6 - George Takei
Trump calls for a press conference at one of his many NYC properties.
The Apprentice banners line the podium and the walls behind him and, for some odd reason, former contestant and Star Trek star George Takei is standing next to him.
Trump then announces that the super huge news is that a college-aged Obama had a gay love affair with Takei.
It then becomes shockingly obvious that Takei had no idea that's why he was brought there. "I was told this was a promo for an Apprentice reunion," he says in disgust, denying any affair and storming out of the room.
#5 - Obama Birth Certificate
After being repeatedly disproven in his theory that Obama's birth certificate is a forgery, does Trump give up? No. His private investigator unraveled a convoluted conspiracy amongst the paper and photo editing software editing industries that traces all the way back to Obama.
"Obama has his tentacles in the paper industry and the photoshopping software biz," Trump will likely tweet. "His wife's best friend's uncle owns stock in both Adobe software and the company that produces paper for the 'Hawaiian hospital' where Obama was 'born.'"
But it doesn't end there. Trump's P.I. found that the digital photography experts who debunked the "forgery" conspiracy are actually paid shills for the Chinese government and OPEC. And their orders came straight from President Obama, who called up China and said "Get OPEC in on this. I'll go soft on you guys if you cover up my birth certificate. K thanks, bye."
#4 - Franklin Marshall Davis' Father
We've all heard the conspiracy theory that President Obama is actually the son of communist poet/labor activist
Franklin Marshall Davis, who happened to live in Hawaii around the time Obama was born.
But Trump's private investigator discovered something that DESTROYS this puny little conspiracy: Obama is actually a time traveler who is Frank Marshall Davis' real father.
WHAT?! Mind BLOWN, America.
#3 - Bo Obama
You can't see it because he's so damn furry, but Trump's private investigator discovered that
Bo Obama's little collar tag says "There is no god but Allah and Muhammad is his Prophet."
#2 - Obama's White Half
Glenn Beck infamously said that President Obama is a "racist" and "has a deep-seated hatred for white people"?
Trump's private investigator discovered that it's actually true. So true that every morning when he wakes up, the president punches himself on the one side he considers his "white half."
#1 - The Apprentice
Trump offers President Obama a spot on the 14th seasons of
The Apprentice... "because you are going to lose, so we know you'll be available in the spring!"
We all know these Trump "surprises" come down to some (not-so-)subtle promotion of his NBC reality show, so this can't be far off from reality.
"The American people are about to fire you... and I would like to fire you too," we think he'll say.
UPDATE: As promised, at 12pm ET Wednesday, Trump revealed his totally huge, super secret announcement about Obama.
Click if you want to find out the truly salacious details that we will cover in a very big fashion because this is all so very, very big. HERE
SportsGrid’s Glenn Davis helped with the writing of this post.
>> Follow Andrew Kirell (@AndrewKirell) on Twitter
Have a tip we should know? email@example.com