At the top of today’s episode, Glenn Beck began slowly stroking an adorable bunny and joked that he looked like a “crappy super-villain.” Come on, we thought, the Blofeld look is so over. As if reading our minds (oh my God, I hope that’s not true!), Beck dropped the rabbit and became a much more modern villain by suddenly hoisting a giant chainsaw and threatening to cut up the animal. Yes, Beck ran around with a scary chainsaw. Clearly someone needs to make an animated GIF of this right away.

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So, why was Beck threatening an adorable bunny with a chainsaw? Well, we weren’t going to find out. Oh, no, not right away. Using a kind of inverted version of the famous National Lampoon cover, Beck promised the audience that he may or may not “cut the bunny in half” but that they’d have to wait until the end of the episode to find out. To make matters worse, throughout the following hour he repeatedly took breaks from what he was talking

about to remind viewers that the bunny’s life hung in the balance. Oh, the agony!

So, after a series of bunny and chainsaw-free segments about how all of the worlds assassins were actually progressives and how social justice is impossible because you can’t predict anyone’s future, Beck finally promised that “the bunny meets the chainsaw…NEXT!” and cut to one last commercial break (not before maniacally laughing for a few seconds). And, throughout the country, everyone watching collectively held their breath.

The show returned . . . and then . . . in the end . . . Beck had a guy cut a tree in half so he could advertise tomorrow’s show, which is apparently about rings in a tree or something.

Huh.

Of course, if anyone actually thought Beck was going to slaughter a rabbit on live TV, well then they clearly don’t remember Frog-Gate (something Beck reminded viewers of with a truly bizarre bumper mid-way through the show). Still, Beck was clearly looking for attention and he’ll get it. He laughed about how crazy “the bloggers” will be over today’s episode and he is certainly right. This will get a lot of play on the Internet (obviously starting here).

But, if Beck thought he’d just get some crazy headlines for a few hours, he doesn’t know the half of it. Once someone makes that animated GIF of Beck dancing around

with a chainsaw, he’s going to gain message mortality of the kind Sad Dawson could only dream of.

Check out clips of the cold open, the bunny bumpers, and the climax from Fox News below:
Tags: Glenn Beck