Bless His Heart, Mike Bloomberg Tries to Talk Like A Texan, Fails Miserably

Former New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg was in Houston, Texas on Thursday and made a very awkward attempt to talk like a Texan. The faux pas in question happened at a Harris County Democratic Party event, and Bloomberg wanted to brag about how his campaign was scaring President Donald Trump:

Now if I were from Texas, I might say Donald Trump is scared as a cat at the dog pound. But since I’m from New York, I put it this way. We’re scaring the living hell out of him, and we’re just starting right now.

As a lifelong Southerner and a former resident of Austin, Texas myself for over five years, let me educate our friends north of the Mason-Dixon line: the saying is “scared as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.”

Texas Monthly writer Emily McCullar polled their entire newsroom this afternoon, and “none of us could recall ever having heard this aphorism before.” Other Texans on Twitter also concurred that not only had they never heard it before, it just plain didn’t make sense.

Even Texas Senator Ted Cruz weighed in:

Um, nobody in Texas says that. Ever. Translation: “somebody told me that lots of people in ‘fly-over country’ have animals. Let me try to say something folksy about animals so the yokels will think I can relate….” https://t.co/ClO0KrxrJo

— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) February 14, 2020

The entire escapade brings to mind the early 1990s commercials for Pace Picante sauce, where someone would offer a group of people some inferior non-Pace salsa, and would get a lecture on how Pace was “made in San Antonio, with fresh vegetables and spices.” Someone would read the label and exclaim indignantly, “This stuff’s made in New York City!” and the entire group would reply in unison, “New York City?!”

One version of the ad even ended with one cowboy growling, “Get a rope,” implying this salsa sin was a hanging offense.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mX2AyjVrrck

Bloomberg isn’t in any danger from his faux-Texanism, but this definitely isn’t the right strategy for winning over Texan hearts.

As Texas Democratic analyst Harold Cook explained, “I’m all for people adopting Texanisms, but I’m a native Texan in a family full of Texans who arrived before the Texas Revolution, and that’s a new one on me. It’s not as bad as when the New York Times suggested we try peas in our guacamole, but either way I wish people would stick with a Texas recipe.”

Former Texas State Senator Konni Burton, who now literally runs a site called “The Texan,” might be a Republican but she agreed with Cook’s view on this issue. “That sounds like something a New Yorker would make up and claim that Texans say,” Burton told Mediaite. “He’s all hat and no cattle,” she joked.

Bloomberg might have billions of dollars, but that lifelong Yankee trying to sound Texan?

Bless his heart, but that dog don’t hunt.