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Campaign Event Table Settings Wage Jihad Against Rick Santorum’s Paper Product Metaphor

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by Tommy Christopher | 1:44 pm, August 29th, 2011

» 19 comments

GOP presidential contender Rick Santorum continued to obsess over paper products (with a name like Santorum, can you blame him?) at a campaign stop in Spartanburg, SC, and accused the gay community of going on a “jihad” against him over the issue of gay marriage, in much the same way that Evander Holyfield‘s ear once went on a jihad against Mike Tyson‘s teeth. Poor Santorum can’t catch a break, though, as every table in the joint offered a visual rejoinder to his napkin/paper towel analogy.

Speaking from what appears to be the 8/23 Memorial Resin Furniture Solarium, Santorum continued to preach his napkin/paper towel sermon like a sitcom character who doesn’t realize his catchphrase sucks:

“This is a napkin. A napkin is what a napkin is. It isn’t a paper towel. It isn’t a car. You can call a napkin a car, but it doesn’t make it a car. You can call a paper towel a chair, but it doesn’t make it a chair. Marriage is what marriage is. It existed before there was the English language or a state.”

While his reality-defying, self-pitying, third-person declaration that he is the victim has been getting all of the attention, the hilarious devil is in the details of this clip. As Santorum testifies about the unbending essence of paper towels and napkins, take a look at what sits in front of every cheering audience member:

There’s no way to confirm this, but I bet there was a fleet of napkin-cars out in the parking lot, as well.

As much fun as it is to watch Santorum get punk’d by his own surroundings, his man-on-dog arguments are annoyingly persistent among those looking for an excuse to perpetuate inequality (I do wonder what Santorum’s secret is for obtaining consent from a dog). I’ve had this exact argument many times with my colleague Les Kinsolving, among others, and it just gets exhausting after a while. MSNBC’s Ron Reagan recently gave as succint and effective rebuttal to his tired arguments as I’ve heard, so I’ll let him have the last word. Call it a napkin, or a paper towel, but either way, Reagan does a great job of cleaning up that puddle of Santorum on aisle 4:

Evander Holyfield, Gay Marriage, Jihad, les kinsolving, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Rick Santorum, Ron Reagan

Anonymous

“Call it a napkin, or a paper towel, but either way, Reagan does a great job of cleaning up that puddle of Santorum on aisle 4:”

Yeah , but who’s to clean up the steaming Christopher all over the page ?

Rick Santorum ?

Tommy read the memo wrong . He’s supposed to demonize Rick Perry today .
Nature Freak

“I do wonder what Santorum’s secret is for obtaining consent from a dog?”

If the dog wags its tail beforehand it is consent. Rick uses this method every time he goes cruising at an animal shelter.
Anonymous

lil ronnie wants girls in the boy scouts too…
Nature Freak

Rick Santorum’s heart was once broken by a sexy Border Collie.

Rick felt used and thrown away like a dirty filthy paper towel (but not a napkin!)

Rick does not want others to go through the heartbreak and anguish he went through.
Anonymous

ATTENTION LIBERALS: Nobody cares about Rick Santorum. Nobody. Outside of his family, nobody is voting for him and that’s why he polls at less that 1%. Attack him all you want, we don’t care. On the same note, feel free to attack Newt, Huntsman and Gary Johnson because nobody is going to vote for them either.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Dronetek-Bulk-Vanderhuge/100000918732763 Dronetek Bulk Vanderhuge

Just ask yourself when the last Time Timmothy Christopher was critical of anything Obama or Democrats do. It doesnt happen. TC is a Democrat party activist.
Anonymous

Great idea. Raise the age limits for boy sconts to forty and I’ll join.
Anonymous

Your point is………
His point was

Tommy is a hack is what I think he’s getting at. And he has a point this stuff is nonsense that only a wacko blind liberal could care about. This matters to no one. Rick Santorum poll numbers are at the bottom so why do a story like this other then to take pot shots at a guy. Its called be a hack.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ECYBIXNKAG5E46BC3GCJQPA7CQ well_its_no_cannibal_holocaust

Ron Reagan is great he should have his own show again on MSNBC.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ECYBIXNKAG5E46BC3GCJQPA7CQ well_its_no_cannibal_holocaust

Yeah but Ron, what if my dog is in love with me and wants to get married to me. Isn’t that exclusionary to the dog? What does Ron Reagan have against dogs? Liberals hate dogs!
Anonymous

Perry did a decent job of competing with Santorum when he signed the pledge promising to work for a Constitutional amendment against SSM. States rights? less federal interference? Screw that. We have to defend our imaginary image of traditional marriage by writing discrimination into the constitution.
Anonymous

Santorum is a true dolt on this subject. His metaphor is bad and his facts are non existent. Marriage has varied greatly in time and cultures , and has been redefined several times as we grew up as a people.
Anonymous

This was written for one reason: TC’s attempt to further ingratiate himself among his Lib acolytes. This piece is baffling in the ratio of import compared to the sheer amount of leftist venom. He declares napkins to be napkins, and paper towelsappear on the tables. Wow. That proves . . . uh . . .
Anonymous

pedobear is that you?
Redonthegreg

We Liberals have no need to limit our criticism to just the bottom tier Republican candidates. They are all ridiculous, from Rapture Rick Perry, all the way down to Rick Frothy Mix Santorum. There’s no need to single of of them out more than the other.
Chasmc

Really, who actually cares what Santorum says, I haven’t cared for a few years now.
Anonymous

The full Santorum seems way too worried about gays for a straight guy.
How long until he’s caught with a Shiite load of meth, and a rent boy?
Nature Freak

Fuck You Very Much
Lily Allen

Look inside, look inside your tiny mind
Then look a bit harder
‘Cause we’re so uninspired, so sick and tired
Of all the hatred you harbor

So you say it’s not okay to be gay
Well, I think you’re just evil
You’re just some racist who can’t tie my laces
Your point of view is medieval

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
‘Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
‘Cause your words don’t translate
And it’s getting quite late
So please don’t stay in touch

Do you get, do you get a little kick
Out of being small minded?
You want to be like your father
It’s approval you’re after
Well, that’s not how you find it

Do you, do you really enjoy
Living a life that’s so hateful?
‘Cause there’s a hole where your soul should be
You’re losing control a bit
And it’s really distasteful

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
‘Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
‘Cause your words don’t translate
And it’s getting quite late
So please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you

You say you think we need to go to war
Well, you’re already in one
‘Cause it’s people like you that need to get slew
No one wants your opinion

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
‘Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
‘Cause your words don’t translate
And it’s getting quite late
So please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you