The National Rifle Association’s annual meeting and exhibition kicks off today in Houston, Texas, but they’re saving the “best” for last. On the last day of the conference, the NRA will host a speech entitled “Repaying Our Debt to Heros (sic),” to be given by a man who once claimed he crapped in his pants in order to evade service in Vietnam. Sunday will also be rock “star” Ted Nugent‘s last opportunity to make good on the promise he made at last year’s event: that he would “either be dead or in jail by this time next year” if President Obama were reelected.
According to the NRA event’s Ted Nugent landing page, the Nuge will speak on Sunday, May 5:
Freedom Is Not Free-Repaying Our Debt to Heros
There is a soldier in a flag draped box who died for America, the US Constitution and Freedom. We the people, who still believe in the American Dream, owe it to those who gave all to utilize our precious freedoms as provided by the ultimate sacrifices of the US Military warriors and their families.
This is a bit like having Mrs. O’Leary give a speech on fire safety. In 1977, he told an interviewer for High Times magazine that he “got 30 days’ notice of the physical. I ceased cleansing my body. Two weeks before the test I stopped eating food with nutritional value. A week before, I stopped going to the bathroom. I did it in my pants. My pants got crusted up.”
In fairness to Nuge, he did have the good sense to deny it years later, when being a pants-shitting coward was no longer fashionable:
“I never shit my pants to get out of the draft,” says Nugent, good-naturedly.
“You also told them you took crystal meth [methamphetamine, the highly destabilising drug sometimes described as poor man’s crack] before the medical – as a result of which, and I quote: ‘I got this big juicy 4F.’”
“Unbelievable. Meth,” he replies, in a tone of deep sarcasm. “Yes, that’s my drug of choice. You’ve got to realise that these interviewers would arrive with glazed eyes and I would make stories up. I never did crystal meth. And I never pooped my pants.”
“But you did dodge the draft.”
“I had a 1Y [student deferment]. I enrolled at Oakland Community College.”
“You said then that you wanted ‘to teach the stupid bastards in the military a lesson’. I’d have thought you’d have loved the army. Guns. Travel. Danger.”
“Back then, I didn’t even understand what World War II was.”
“So basically,” – I admit that I have, unaccountably, started to speak Nugent – “you didn’t want to get your Michigan ass blown off in Vietnam.”
“Correct. I did not want to get my ass blown off in Vietnam.”
I’m not sure which is worse, shitting your pants to get out of the draft, or pretending you shat your pants to get out of the draft. According to Nugent’s selective service records, though, he received four deferments, including a 4-F.
In addition to the speech, attendees may also expect Nugent to make good on his “dead or in jail” promise. The exact deadline has already passed, but Nugent could be forgiven a slight delay in order to treat the crowd at his favorite event. As a good, compassionate liberal, I’m going to hope he opts for jail, rather than a good suck on his own machine gun. What would it say about Nugent’s career if he couldn’t even get arrested?
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