The Real Biker Chicks

The SNL sketch "Biker Chick Chat" from last weekend's season opener got a lot of attention thanks to newcomer Jenny Slate's F-bomb. But what didn't get attention: the frickin' bikes, dude! Though they swore up a storm and had very impressive hair, I'm not convinced they could tell their Harley Davidson V-Rods from their Kawasaki Vulcan VN750s (or Vincent Black Lighting '48s, for that matter). As it happens, we at Mediaite are totally into bike culture — as I'm sure you would have assumed — and we noticed the dearth of actual bike chat immediately, 'cause we're good like that. But it's also because we learned at an early age that bikes were C-O-O-L. As it happens, Biker Chicks are too — and here's our pick of the best of 'em. >>>FIRST UP: Trinity from The Matrix ALSO INCLUDING: Cycle Sluts From Hell Michelle Pfeiffer in Grease 2 Dykes on Bikes The Mini-Skirt Mob Chopper Chicks in Zombietown Pravda, La Survireuse Cindy McCain She-Devils on Wheels Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday Jo from Facts of Life Pinky Tuscadero Batgirl Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider Jenny Slate, FTW Trinity from The Matrix Before the Matrix backlash commenced in earnest, Carrie-Anne Moss's Trinity was many a fanboy's wet dream. She's tough, goth-sexy, and, most importantly, she can handle a Ducati 996 with the best of them, even when she's being chased by murderous, teleporting albinos on the freeway. Heck, even the Merovingian had to concede how badass she was (so badass that even though she died in the third Matrix installment, she was revived in The Matrix Online. Whatever, there is no spoon). Oh, and also, there's this: Trinity: My name's Trinity. Neo: *The* Trinity? Who cracked the IRS d-base? Trinity: That was a long time ago. Neo: Jesus... Trinity: What? Neo: I just thought... you were a guy. Trinity: Most guys do. Yeah, well, she's not. Deal with it. >>>NEXT: Cycle Sluts From Hell Cycle Sluts From Hell Truth: I had a "Cycle Sluts From Hell" poster up on my dorm room wall in my first year of university (not this one, but close). I had never heard the music of Queen Vixen, She-Fire of Ice, Honey One Percenter and Venus Penis Crusher (who later co-founded industrial metal group Hanzel und Gretyl), but looking at the Sluts each day when I awoke inspired me to be that much more badass. Also, their breakout hit, "I Wish You Were A Beer," totally shreds. >>>NEXT: Michelle Pfeiffer in Grease 2 Michelle Pfeiffer in Grease 2 "You gotta be a biker or a biker's old lady. Without a cycle, forget it." Is it bad that I learned my code of womanhood from Grease 2, if it made me so very happy? Stephanie Zanoni was my very first girlcrush — oh, as if you could see her scale that stepladder and dance with wild abandon and remain impervious — but more importantly, her anthem became the theme song for me and scores of other 11-year-old girls, who realized that they wanted nothing less than "a devil in skintight leather." Did she ride? Not exactly, but she was hardly what one would call passive — when Michael takes her on that sunset ride and she shimmys around and sits in front of him, all a-straddle — well. Well well well. p.s. The rest of the movie is awesome too. >>>NEXT: Dykes on Bikes Dykes on Bikes Dykes on Bikes: Gay women, activism, and motorcycles: how can you go wrong? Though they've been criticized for their controversial (and trademarked!) name, they say they're just taking the power back. And a San Francisco Pride Parade just wouldn't be the same without them. >>>NEXT: The Mini-Skirt Mob The Mini-Skirt Mob "They Play Around With Murder Like They Play Around With Men!" This 1968 bikesploitation flick looks awesome, complete with a man-eating ice-blonde and her warm, earthy brunette rival. Not exactly Bike Blanket Bingo. Note the voiceover at 0:46 while the girlfight is going on: "The Mini-Skirt Mob! They like it rough!" Or this: "Nothing is more vicious than a scorned, guilt-ridden blonde." Wait a minute, nothing? Or perhaps this next batch of blushing, biking young ladies... >>>NEXT: Chopper Chicks in Zombietown Chopper Chicks in Zombietown "They're bad! They're beautiful! They're 8 broads on the rag." OMG how can you not love them? It's much exactly what you'd expect given the title: Chopper chicks decapitating zombies and blowing them up with dynamite. (Best tagline ever: "Not just another action-horror-comedy-biker-zombie movie!") Also, pre-famous Billy Bob Thornton is somehow one of the stars. >>>NEXT: Pravda, La Survireuse Pravda, La Survireuse This shocking, seriously trippy video by Guy Peellaert, the guy behind the cover art to David Bowie's Diamond Dogs, features captivating artwork and a seminude leather-clad heroine on a bike. Check it. (h/t Hell for Leather) >>>NEXT: Cindy McCain Cindy McCain Remember when John McCain offered up his wife as a perfect contestant for the "Miss Buffalo Chip" pageant at the Sturgis, SD Motorcycle Rally during the '08 campaign? Us too. She didn't look happy about it, because rather than parading around in an eensy outfit she probably just wanted to hop on a hog and tear the hell out of there. Wouldn't you? >>>NEXT: She-Devils on Wheels She-Devils on Wheels "This picture is not for those who think that all women sit by the fireplace knitting socks." YOU KNOW IT, BUCKO! In case there was any ambiguity, they're a chick biker gang called...THE MAN-EATERS. And they'll hold a dude down and punch him in the face. "Wild, vicious, with motorcycles as their lovers." Seriously, every word of the voice-over in this trailer is GOLD. >>>NEXT: Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday: The movie that made stars out of the unknown Belgian-born actress and the Vespa scooter, thanks in part to this iconic scene. Sure, a Vespa is a scooter and not a bike, per se, but hey, it's Italy. >>>NEXT: Jo from Facts of Life Jo from Facts of Life You take the good, you take the bad, you take a bike and then you have...JO POLNICHEK. Could there ever have been a better foil for snooty Blair on fan-fave The Facts of Life? So much tuff-girl hotness packed into such a low-maintenance package - she gave us all heart that we'd look just as good in coveralls with a ponytail and a smear of grease on the cheek. No wonder she confused the hell out of Natalie. >>>NEXT: Pinky Tuscadero Pinky Tuscadero It's almost like she has Turret's, but who cares: Pinky Tuscadero is seventeen different kinds of awesome, and theyr'e all shaded pink from delicate to piping hot. A recurring role on Happy Days played by Roz Kelly, she was a nice feminist foil to Marion for Joanie learn from, and also to be completely out of Ralph Malph's league. Also, Fonzie wanted to jump her shark, if you know what I mean. p.s. She had a sister named Leather. >>>NEXT: Batgirl Batgirl "Where do you come from, where do you go? / What is your scene, baby, we just gotta know?" This cringy theme song, which was actually made for Adam West's Batman -- Batgirl never had her own series — will melt your ears. But it features Yvonne Craig on a (dubiously modified) Yamaha YDS5E, so it gets a pass. >>>NEXT: Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider The motorcycle chase in Tomb Raider, feat. Angelina on a Yamaha TRX850, was voted the best of all time in a poll by Bennett's, the motorcycle insurer. To which we say: really? Umm, Steve McQueen in Great Escape, anyone? Whippersnappers. It's a cool scene though. >>>NEXT: Jenny Slate, FTW Biker Chick Chat We wouldn't be here without Jenny Slate, full stop. Neither would that sketch have oddly rocked — despite the F-bomb, despite the lack of actual bike talk, despite the dragging on a tad too long — without Slate and Wiig fully committing to the 'tude, the clothes, the hair, and the ethos. I hope Biker Chick Chat becomes a recurring sketch on SNL. I'd fuckin' love them for that. By Rachel Sklar and Robert Quigley - feel free to guess who wrote what. Bwa ha ha ha. (Hat tip: Jalopnik comments section, for the inspiration, and for teaching us what a Shovelhead engine was. Shh.)