Newsweek Celebrates World’s Failures To Help America Feel Better

Between the current economic downturn, the increased presence of terror threats at airports, a crippling series of snowstorms and Congress’ seeming inability to pass any bills whatsoever, patriotism has been running on an empty stomach lately. Luckily, Newsweek‘s Daniel Gross is cooking second and third helpings of chicken soup for the American soul – the seasoning is a little bitter, but anything helps. In a piece titled “Proud(ish) to be American,” Gross excitedly lists major global problems in the hope of cheering readers (and himself) up about the state of America today. He admits there is reason to mope– “We came in third—third!—in the 2009 World Baseball Classic tournament”– but he wants to put the past behind him, and he sees no better time to regain a positive national image than in the current international landscape, where our problems seem minuscule in comparison.

As he explains, nothing says “America the Beautiful” quite like Greece’s impending economic collapse, Dubai’s embarrassing bankruptcy issues, and panic about the Toyota Prius in Cambridge, MA and San Francisco, places we only tolerate due to our unique brand of American benevolence. Here’s a taste of the horrors you will find beyond our fair borders, and ones within that you can blame on other countries:

“In a development that has brought much distress to pockets of America (like Cambridge, Mass., and San Francisco), Toyota has recalled Priuses to fix malfunctioning brakes—just after an image-marring recall for faulty accelerators on other models. The only thing more shattering to the bien-pensant world view would be news that Chez Panisse in Berkeley uses Crisco.

[…]

London’s goal of surpassing New York as a financial center crumbled in the fall of 2008; the U.K.’s financial sector is arguably in worse shape than America’s. Two years ago Dubai was going to be the next Las Vegas/New York/Miami rolled into one, all because it was proving more adept at diversifying its economy from energy into tourism, services, and financial services. Now it’s looking like the next Scranton.”

“The next Scranton”! It’s that bad out there. It may be the most depressing way to cheer up, but don’t you feel better already about being American?

This is an opinion piece. The views expressed in this article are those of just the author.