Zach Galifianakis: Welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. I’m your host Zach Galifianakis. And my guest today is Daniel Day-Lewis.
Abraham Lincoln: Pardon? I’m–
ZG: Mr. Day-Lewis, when people ask you how you prepare for a role, do you slap them in the face with an Oscar and say, “I’m Daniel F-ing-Day-Lewis. Silence or I’ll become you next?”
AL: I, President Abraham Lincoln–
ZG: Did you pick your next role from a BuzzFeed quiz, Danny?
ZG: Oh right, you’re in “character.” I’ll play along (friggin’ method actors). President Lincoln, when it comes to the emaciated proclamation, do you want every American starved or just the ones who are shorter than you?
AL: It is the Emancipation Proclamation.
ZG: Here we go, emancipation.gov? That’s the one that doesn’t even cover 500,000 slaves in the border states. I heard it’s a complete Lincoln.
ZG: That’s what people are saying when someone is married to an absolutely insane idea or a Mary Todd.
AL: You dislike the Emancipation Proclamation; and, perhaps, would have it retracted. You say it is unconstitutional — I think differently.
ZG: Okay, let’s get to the real Booth in the booth. Why, Daniel, on this hollow ground between two ferns would you push something that works about as well as your stage beard.
AL: As our case is new, so we must think anew, and act anew.
AL: I want this to go viral, basically. I know how to play the game.
ZG: My beard does trend younger than yours.
ZG: In a house divided, how do you get to the bathroom?
AL: You are nothing more than a well-meaning baboon.
ZG: An American citizen wrote this about you, “God damn your god damned old hellfired god damned soul to hell god damn you and god damn your god damned family’s god damned hellfired god damned soul to hell and good damnation god damn them and god damn your god damned friends to hell.” So every time someone publicly spites you, do you gain an extra centimeter of slouch?
ZG: Wait, why are you here again?
AL: When the conduct of men is designed to be influenced, persuasion– kind, unassuming persuasion– should ever be adopted. It is an old and a true maxim, that a “drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.
ZG: Do you have anything to say to the four scores of critics who think you are the worst President in the history of all that is historical? Like a quick slam. Maybe a yo cabin joke? Yo cabin is so…
AL: To my critics? If this is coffee, please bring them some tea; but if this is tea, please bring them some coffee.
ZG: But seriously it’s a little stupid, you being here.
AL: I fully appreciate the present peril the country is in, and the weight of responsibility on me.
ZG: …What’s Spielberg like?
>> Clark Young is, above all things, a Mainer and Red Sox fan. Follow him on Twitter here.
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