Conservative Christian comedian Brad Stine has been described as “a clean Denis Leary,” which basically means that he YELLS A LOT but only yells words WITHOUT FOUR LETTERS. As such, he was the PERFECT GUY to send CPAC attendees off before the day’s big dinner. To close off HIS SET, he explained that the ONLY THING missing from the conservative movement right now was “the COMEDY FACTOR,” as people like Jon Stewart and Bill Maher were spreading liberal messages far and wide. He told the audience that they needed TO RALLY TOGETHER to spread the truth about the LIBERAL WUSSIFICATION OF AMERICA. Some examples of wussification that Stine attacked were AIR BAGS and CHILDREN’s BIKES THAT AREN’T CLEARLY DESIGNED FOR ONE GENDER OR ANOTHER.

Much has been written in the past few months about how Stephen Colbert has been masterfully insinuating himself into real life politics with his Super PAC. Well, it’s about time for politicians to use him in return. Nancy Pelosi herself is using Colbert as a poster child to promote her the DISCLOSE Act, a bill designed to combat the Super PAC-allowing Citizen’s United decision. What’s fascinating though is that Pelosi’s Colbert-centered campaign doesn’t just use the comedian’s image, it tries to get in on the joke as well.

A heroic story took a dark turn this week in Colorado. Yesterday, on Denver’s KUSA, anchorwoman Kyle Dyer did a segment on Max, a large Argentine Mastiff, his owner, and the fireman who save his life. However, right at the end of the interview, something went wrong and Max bit Dyer right on the face, requiring her to be sent to the hospital and receive surgery.

Well, look on the bright side, New England fans. At least no one on the street got to check out your mammogram records. That’s what happened to a 54 year old New York woman. You see, during the Giants’ big celebratory parade on Tuesday, businesses along the route were supplied with confetti to throw out. Unfortunately, some people got overzealous and started throwing out any paper they could find in their office without even shredding it. This meant that documents featuring people’s social security numbers, legal statements, and medical records were gracefully gliding to the ground.

There are certain words and phrases that we here at Mediaite keep our ears open for when scanning the airwaves. Whenever an anchor starts a comment or segment by saying something like “This may make people mad but…” or “I don’t mean to sound racist but…”, it usually means that what they have to say is going to make for good, blog-worthy television. We can add to that list another great conversational preface in the phrase “Can I just throw a conspiracy theory out here?” That’s the question Eric Bolling asked on today’s The Five and, hoo boy, did he deliver.

Last night was a huge night for Rick Santorum with caucus wins in Missouri, Minnesota, and Colorado. Many were fairly shocked by the strong showing for the GOP candidate (some quite amusingly so). However, there’s one guy who isn’t showing any surprise whatsoever. That guy, of course, is Rush Limbaugh. Not only is he not surprised, he spent time on his show to knock those in the Republican establishment who were unprepared and didn’t see the Santorum coming.

As we all know, there is a horrible scourge affecting our nation. I speak, of course, about scientists. They’re constantly trying to warp our precious American values with their “facts” and “consensus” and “peer reviewed scientific method.” Basically, you’re either with America or you’re with the scientists. Surprise, surprise. Guess who President Obama’s with? He answered that question decisively by hosting some kind of “Science Fair” and joining one of the little terrorists in attacking his own White House with a deadly marshmallow gun!

Today on his radio show, Glenn Beck jumped into the scandal surrounding a tweet sent out by CNN’s Roland Martin during the Super Bowl. GLAAD is calling for Martin’s firing for what they perceived as an anti-gay attack in the tweet. Beck explained that Martin should be fired, but not for what he wrote. Rather, because he’s a “dope” and an “idiot.”

Billy Eichner is certainly not for everyone. Whereas shows like Cash Cab pretend to give random people on the street the chance to win money (I’m sorry, did I just disillusion you?), Eichner’s style is to actually just run up to people and start screaming at them like a crazy person. On his Fuse game show, Billy on the Street, you can see him harassing poor pedestrians with questions like “True or false, Zac Efron looks like he wants to be molested by an older person?” Clearly, this is the kind of thing that viewers will either hate or find laugh out loud hilarious. For those of you lucky enough to fall in the latter category, Eichner’s appearance last night on Conan is an almost too perfect heightening of this idea.

Yesterday on The Five, Dana Perino made the bizarre claim that M.I.A. wasn’t American enough to perform in the Super Bowl Halftime Show unlike such American luminaries as, I guess, The Who, The Rolling Stones, and Madonna’s accent. Obviously, Perino’s allegation was borderline laughable and easy to make fun of (seriously, if I didn’t have to leave the office early yesterday, Frances never would have gotten a chance at this post), so you know what that means; set the timer for a rival cable network to mock it. And…take it away Ed Schultz!

Super PACs have been facing heavy criticism since the moment they were created but, lately, that outcry has become nearly deafening. One of the harshest critics has been President Obama. That’s why it was awesome for his campaign to write a blog post explaining why they need to win eliminate Super PACs by winning the election…using a Super PAC. This morning on CNN, Obama supporter Russell Simmons defended the President’s “second Super PAC wrong to make a campaign finance reform right” approach.

As you can tell from the fact that all of your friends are tweeting with the hashtag #makeitplatinum today (Oh, wait. They aren’t? I see.), one of the big reveals from last night’s Super Bowl ads was Bud Platinum, a new product that turns typical Bud Light into a top shelf liquor…or something. Anyway, the fine folks over at Jest have already produced a pretty dead on parody in “Budweiser Good,” a beer that’s brewed to actually taste good.

It’s been a rough couple of years for Bishop Eddie Long. The senior pastor of the New Birth Missionary Baptist Church in Georgia spent parts of 2010 and 2011 facing down lawsuits from young men alleging that he coerced them into sexual acts. Long denied the allegations but the church settled the suits out of court and, shortly thereafter, his wife filed for divorce. Clearly, this is a guy in need of a new beginning. However, if you take him at his word, he appears to have chosen the wrong guy to show him how to do it.

Basically, going in front of your parishioners, being enshrouded in a sacred Jewish text, and declared king is not the way to get people on your side.

Back in May of last year, The Onion wrote a silly article satirizing the growing ridiculousness of the charges being levied against Planned Parenthood entitled “Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex.” Unfortunately, due in part to the anti-PP tidal wave being brought forth by conservative media and the sad fact that there were still people in 2011 that didn’t understand The Onion or satire, a number of people thought the article was real, sharing it on social media platforms.

So, what was your favorite commercial during the game last night? Was it the one with the vampires? Yeah, that was good. The dog working out? Yeah, pretty cute. What was mine? Oh, probably the absolutely amazing Will Ferrell commercial. Wait, you didn’t see a Will Ferrell commercial? That’s weird…oh, I know. It must be because you don’t live in Nebraska which is the only place in the world it aired.

It’s a fact of life that NBC has the best sitcoms currently airing on network TV (If you disagree with that fact, you might as well stop reading this post now. Here are some wacky Two and a Half Men bloopers to watch instead). Unfortunately, those sitcoms are stuck on the absolute ratings sink hole that is NBC. So, unfortunately, brilliant shows like Community get taken off the air and 30 Rock is stuck hitting an all time rating low. Fortunately, we don’t cover sitcom ratings here at Mediaite so I can pretend to live in a fantasy world where people on the street walk around with Parks and Recreation merchandise instead of the sad world I live in where I literally see people everywhere wearing…sigh…“Bazinga” shirts. So, to continue to fuel my fantasy, I’m going to pretend that there are people out there who are really excited to watch this hilarious 30 Rock webisode!

Hooray, delusion!

Jill Lepore had an excellent column for the New Yorker today in which she laments that the story of the Susan G. Komen Foundation and Planned Parenthood has become “obscenely, a story about partisan divisions, as if some parts of women’s bodies are Democratic and other parts are Republican.” It’s almost impossible to argue with this point but, if you needed any further proof, just look to the way certain news outlets are covering the breast cancer organization’s reversal on their previous stance. We’ve collected some of the…uh…”best.”

This week, thanks to an interview with Suze Orman, Piers Morgan Tonight hit 266,000 in the 25-54 year old demo, which put him in second place in the time slot Wednesday night, his highest in months. That means it’s time to celebrate. And, if you know Piers Morgan, you know what kind of celebration he’d choose; it’s time for some Twitter snarking!

Man, recently, Conservatives have been getting slammed in the “Studies No One Asked For Performed By Random Entities” category. Heck, just last week we learned that social conservatism was linked with a lowered IQ. Don’t worry though, Righties, because there’s a new study out in which you came on top! You also came on bottom. You came just about everywhere. That’s right, this new study shows that Republicans have more orgasms than people of any other political party.

Grand Ol’ Party, indeed.

Well, it happened. Donald Trump, a man who once (seriously) was the GOP front runner, has endorsed the current front runner, Mitt Romney. Romney was on hand to accept the endorsement and it wasn’t…uh…entirely the most uncomfortable thing we’ve watched all week.

Fox News’ Shepard Smith is clearly none too interested in Donald Trump’s endorsement of Mitt Romney. Reporting that the Apprentice host’s speech would be coming up in the next few hours, he gave it all the respect and seriousness he felt it deserved.

In other words, he then joked that endorsements from Shakira and Big Bird would be coming next.

Well, it’s election season and you know what that means; musical artists around the world are showing just how pissed off they are that some stodgy politician is awkwardly walking on stage to their music. The latest example is the rapper K’Naan who is none too happy that Mitt Romney used his hit song “Wavin’ Flag” during his Florida primary victory speech. Of course, that’s not surprising. The really surprising news is that Mitt Romney used a rapper’s song during a speech. Really? The Mitt Romney? This Mitt Romney?

Earlier this week, Susan G. Komen for the Cure breast cancer foundation announced that it would stop giving funding to Planned Parenthood something that many see as succumbing to pressure from pro-life groups despite the group’s denials. Unfortunately for them, while they may have appeased the pro-lifers, they have to deal with everyone else as the situation has caused a huge outcry. Even more unfortunately for them, “everyone else” appears to include some pretty proficient hackers.

As we all know from listening to cable TV and talk radio, First Lady Michelle Obama is running an evil Socialist program designed to control the the very sustenance we need to survive by brainwashing our children into “y’know, eating a few more veggies.” Well, today she went on Ellen to further propagandize her sinister program by doing push ups.

Push ups like they do in Communist Russia!

Does President Obama have an “enemies list”? That’s the provocative allegation put forth by Ted Olson in the Wall Street Journal. Olson is a former member of the Bush Administration as well as representative of the Koch Brothers who just so happen to be the only real people Olson thinks is on this supposed list. So, does the list exist?