Herman Cain Is Campaigning Directly To The 12 Year Old Version Of Me From 1999

Recently, I’ve been trying to figure something out about Herman Cain. Every little thing about him seems to be telling me that he’s not ready to be president. However, for some reason, I still find myself liking him. I couldn’t figure out why.

This morning, though, after reading this post, I figured it out. Herman Cain is campaigning directly to me. But not me now. Me when I was 12 years old.

Two weeks ago, Rachel Maddow theorized that Cain’s campaign was nothing but a performance art project. That’s absolutely ridiculous. Obviously, what Cain is doing is actually employing some kind of temporal time vortex to send his message back in time and implant it subliminally in my head in the past.

Come on, Rachel. Anyone with half a brain could have figured that out.

Don’t believe me? Well, take a look. Below I’ve included a bunch of indisputable evidence to prove that Cain is secretly catering his campaign to everything I loved as a middle schooler. It’s the most insidious campaign strategy since Bob Dole ran for president in four different alternate universes at once.

Behold, dear reader, and be amazed.

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This is an opinion piece. The views expressed in this article are those of just the author.

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