Ah, it’s that time of year again. People make New Year’s resolutions in the hopes of becoming a better person in the following year. They join the gym, they buy NicoDerm patches, they resist the local pub calling their name… and then they return to normalcy a few days into the year.
New Year’s resolutions ultimately mean nothing because a vast majority of people don’t follow through. And understandably so. Why change your life because of some arbitrary date on a calendar?
Regardless, if individuals can make resolutions; why not a wide swath of people like, say… conservatives? Republicans? I’ve
probably made it clear before that I am a libertarian (inside joke for the commenters — you know who you are), but regardless of my differences with social conservatives, neocons, and the Republican Party, here is a bit of unsolicited advice for what, perhaps, said people can do in 2013 to improve their political outlook.
Feel free to disagree or get offended, because we
know you will (see fourth & fifth slides):
There's no cross domain hackery or tracking voodoo, it's just some sweet jQuery animations.
Please, think of the animations.
In the meantime, enjoy the html version below. I guess. If that's your thing.
Take up smoking...
Look, I get that you will never come around on legalizing marijuana and gay marriage until the last battle is lost and you go down with the ship, but here's one way to get around looking like total buffoons on the drug issue: You say you believe in states' rights and a decentralized federal government? Take up the mantle of defending Colorado and Washington from the inevitable federal attempts to disrespect state laws and continue the war on weed, via more indirect means, in the Centennial and Evergreen States. Or you can continue on with your cognitive dissonance of believing in "limited government" while seemingly having nary a problem with a bloated, bully-like federal government on the issues you deem worthy.
Take up the gay marriage mantle...
Oh, what's that? Conservatives supposedly believe in limited government? Great! So instead of whining about the gays and their happy marriages ruining your unhappy marriages, why not just argue that government should get out of marriage altogether? Let the churches decide. Now
that's small government.
Make new minority friends...
It's become cliché for strategists to say the GOP needs to recruit minorities -- and some of the more recent moves to begin that venture have been, shall we say,
utterly transparent. But here's an easy way to get some minorities into your corner: When a fellow conservative says something utterly stupid -- a racist joke, an insensitive remark -- call him/her out. You don't have to become the dreaded P.C. Police like the Dems, but you can gain some respect by renouncing folks like when they say horrible things like Rush Limbaugh this. You're not going to win on the "stay silent and hope the controversy passes" path, that's for sure. And you definitely won't win on the method. Dana Loesch-doubling-down-and-defending- Todd Akin
Kick the perpetual outrage habit...
Just like liberals need to stop being offended by every single remark made by anyone they ever disagreed with, conservatives need to stop being so outragey over every single breath uttered by President Obama. He was photographed seated on a bus honoring
Rosa Parks? NARCISSIST. The campaign slogan uses the same word as old communist iconography? MARXIST. Those aren't even the best examples... just peruse Breitbart.com or Twitchy for a minute and you'll find something. But just stop it. Focus on the ideas and how to win the battles, not lose your collective mind from Obama Derangement Syndrome. (P.S. - If Republicans were in power right now, this resolution would undoubtedly apply to Democrats.)
Try to laugh a little (about the racism charges)...
really believe the racism charge is a joke, then treat it like one. If you aren't racists, then act like your accusers are calling you a Martian or something, i.e., cock your head in confusion and laugh a little. (Also in keeping with the previous slide's theme: try to have a sense of humor about yourselves, period.)
Ditch the War on Christmas™...
Stop. It's just embarrassing. Whining about people tearing down Christmas iconography that largely has
is just silly. nothing to do with your actual religion There is no War on Christmas. You dominate the holiday season still. There might be a "war on displaying pagan-based Christmas symbols on government property," sure, to some degree. But there are much bigger fish to fry and no one is telling you to take down the neon-lit Nativity scene from your front lawn. If they are, then they are moronic. Speaking of which, here's a bonus New Year's resolution for liberals: Stop being offended by every public display of either Christianity or their pagan icons. Your perpetual offense-taking only encourages them. And rightfully so.
Find better spokespeople...
Find better spokespeople because... 90% of the initial 2012 GOP primary field?
Mitt Romney? Todd Akin? Wayne LaPierre? It should be pretty clear you guys have a terrible communications problem and a deficiency in the "serious thought leaders" department.
Cut out fatty military spending...
Republican leaders have kicked and screamed against so-called "draconian" cuts proposed to military spending, but they are really just getting hysterical over cuts to the rate of increase, not
actual slashes. But if you truly believe in limited government and fiscal responsibility, then why is the Pentagon given special exception? Our military is no different than other agencies of clumsy, bloated bureaucracy: it sometimes spends money in deliberately wasteful ways to establish "need" for at least as much next year, and it has absolutely no incentive to be thrifty. And, oh, hey, it constitutes 20% of the federal budget. It really won't weaken our national defense to make some cuts and stop spending like a drunken sailor... and people will actually take you seriously as "budget cutters."
Quit whining about liberal Hollywood...
Celebrities are liberal. We get it. But so are many wealthy software developers -- Republicans don't constantly whine about
that. Have you ever thought that obsessing over liberal Hollywood helps prevent conservative actors and screenwriters from comfortably coming out as right-wing in showbiz? Perhaps the bunker mentality preferred by so many Republican screaming heads is not the best path to infiltrating the industries dominated by those cool liberals you so disdain.
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