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I Believe Hillary Has Pneumonia and I Guess That Makes Me a Cuckservative

hillary clintonI wrote last week about the bat-crap crazy conspiracy theories regarding Hillary Clinton which, thanks largely to Matt Drudge, have made their way in the mainstream of the “conservative” media. Even I thought that the magic “invisible earpiece” would be tough to top, but in the aftermath of Hillary Clinton’s embarrassing collapse at the 9/11 memorial service, the nutty conspiracies are even more “mainstream” than ever.

I don’t support either major candidate, but I still, naively I guess, believe that the truth matters and that reality shouldn’t be altered simply because it pleases partisan sensibilities (or mental illnesses). Because I have this weird and clearly antiquated (pre-Trump) devotion to facts and logic I don’t subscribe to the nearly universal, knee-jerk reaction of “conservatives” on social media in response to this episode.

The general consensus seems to be that, because Hillary is a lying liar who lies, that her current story that she was diagnosed with pneumonia on Friday, and that this illness help lead to her fainting on Sunday, just cannot possibly be true. Now “conservatives” won’t tell you what they think REALLY is happening with Hillary’s health (some are at least willing to claim, with no real evidence, that she is hiding Parkinson’s disease), but they are positive that the story we are being told is a lie.

I am quite confident that this “conventional wisdom,” as is so often the case, is totally wrong. I must “confess” that I actually believe that Hillary has pneumonia, even knowing that this clearly makes me, at best, a sellout to my political side and, at worst, a “cuckservative.”

I don’t come to this conclusion based on any trust in Hilary or her campaign to tell us the truth. Quite to the contrary, it is my trust in the facts of the situation (at least as we currently know them) and in the basic realties of human nature’s penchant for pursuing one’s self interest which convince me that this is the only scenario which makes any sense at all.

The first thing you must believe in order to go down the conspiracy black hole is that Hillary’s doctor is willing to lie in a way that puts her entire life’s work at enormous risk. Now, in a rational world, no doctor would ever do this unless they were being paid a totally absurd amount of money, but since this is the Clintons we are dealing with (do you realize how many people they have murdered over the years?!) I’m fully aware that such a rationale is completely ineffective to those on the political right.

The primary reason that I believe the current Clinton story is true is because if they were somehow able to get her doctor to lie about this diagnosis of pneumonia, this all would have gone down very differently than it did. Unless, of course, the Clintons are both amazing criminal masterminds while also being incredibly stupid and clumsy (since consistency is no longer a concern in the post-Trump GOP world, this isn’t much of a problem for those in the “Basket of Deplorables”).

Let’s pretend that Hillary really has something that is far more serious than low-level pneumonia. Let’s also pretend that there is also at least a small but significant conspiracy within her campaign to hide this fact from the public, at least until she gets elected (when, presumably, it will eventually become very obvious that this was a scandalous ruse). Let’s also pretend that everyone involved in this conspiracy (which apparently began long ago) is not only unconcerned about the inevitable grave consequences for this scheme, but also is completely oblivious to the reality that there are several replacement candidates for her who would nearly guarantee a landslide victory over Trump, while she, even if this never gets out, may have to slog her way to a narrow victory (for the record, I do believe that if there is another “shoe” which drops in this realm, it would be the game-changing event which would likely allow Trump to win).

Even if you stipulate to all of that absurdity, what happened this past weekend is completely nonsensical. This is because, if it was all a grand scheme, the inner workings of the campaign would already know to immediately go to the “pneumonia” cover story and would not have floundered as they tried to figure out what to say (while, in my opinion, waiting to see if there was any video of the incident and how their friends in the news media would react).

But most convincingly, if, much later in the day, they were going to get an esteemed doctor to risk everything on a blatant lie, why wouldn’t that statement have claimed that the diagnosis had occurred THAT day, AFTER the collapse? If you are willing to lie like that there is no reason why you would create a lie which you know at the time actually is politically (and unnecessarily) harmful to your cause.

Had they simply taken (or pretended to take) Hillary to see a doctor on Sunday, they could have said that the collapse triggered the pneumonia diagnosis and this story might have actually engendered sympathy for her. Instead, they claimed it happened Friday which meant that the campaign was sure to face allegations of a lack of transparency as well as questions about why she may have put others at risk (including a little girl) of catching her illness. In the category of dumb lies, this would be right up there with crime suspect creating a false alibi which actually indicts them.

Then there are the facts that her prior coughing fit and the fainting from dehydration are perfectly consistent with “walking pneumonia,” and that several other members of the campaign supposedly have the illness as well (thus needlessly expanding the circle of this massive and nonsensical conspiracy). There is also a complete lack of evidence that anything else is physically wrong with her unless you believe the tin foil hat crowd led by Alex Jones (by the way, how the hell do the conspiracy nuts who have been claiming Hillary is gravely ill get “vindicated” here by a pneumonia diagnosis? This is as illogical as saying the “9/11 Truthers” would be proven right if we finally learned there was a fifth plane that was meant to be high-jacked that day).

The concept of Occam’s Razor dictates that the reason why the Hillary campaign responded so weakly and inconsistently to her collapse is (just is now being reported) that the vast majority of her bloated team didn’t even know about it, while she was still hoping she could get through with this without giving the conspiracy nuts their field day. In a sense, Drudge deserves credit for forcing the Clinton team to fumble here because it seems clear that, without this “she’s dying” narrative being out there, there would have been little concern about her telling everyone immediately and to just copping to the minor illness.

Of course, none of this pesky logic has any impact on the Trump crazies (or even on some supposedly sensible conservative commentators) in their reaction to this bizarre situation. The Twitter hashtag #HillarysBodyDouble has easily surpassed even the insanity of last week’s #HillarysEarPiece as seemingly normal people, whose votes will count, not only believe that the smiling person who walked out of Chelsea’s apartment wasn’t Hillary, but that YOU are a “Hillary Shill” if you even doubt that it was an obvious body double (because using a body double in such a situation would be so easy to organize in two hours on a Sunday and it wouldn’t be handing a multi-million dollar story and enormous leverage to an unknown actress).

I wrote last month about all the insane things which you are now forced to believe in order to be considered a “good Republican” in the era of Trump. I guess I now need to update the list.

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John Ziegler is a nationally-syndicated radio talk show host and documentary filmmaker. You can follow him on Twitter at @ZigManFreud or email him at [email protected]

This is an opinion piece. The views expressed in this article are those of just the author.

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