Russia Is Apparently Really Pissed About Losing To Canada Last Night

Um. Wow? Somebody over in Russia has apparently been gorging on the bitter grapes. Who knew it was possible to hate Canada so much? I mean really, what is there to hate. This is a Games whose Opening Ceremony included a gigantic polar bear, punk rock tap dancers, and a spoken word poet who got a standing ovation for mentioning Canada’s reputation for good manners. Me thinks the Russians are pretty pissed about their recent punishing losses on the ice. Behold, Pravda Online’s (not the same as the paper) scathing editorial titled “Vancouver: Mutton Dressed as Lamb.”

We all know Canada has problems with the future lines drawn on Arctic maps and we all know Canada lives in the shadow of its larger neighbour to the south. The abject cruelty shown by Canadian soldiers in international conflicts is scantily referred to [maybe because it doesn’t exist], as indeed is the utter incapacity of this county to host a major international event, due to its inferiority complex, born of a trauma being the skinny and weakling bro to a beefy United States and a colonial outpost to the United Kingdom, whose Queen smiles happily from Canadian postage stamps.

Maybe it is this which makes the Canadians so…retentive, or cowardly. So it is not exactly a huge surprise to have international skating experts from the four corners of the Earth criticising the decision to award the Men’s figure skating Gold medal to the US athlete Evan Lysacekv over the reigning Olympic Champion Evgeny Plushenko, whose superior performance was inexplicably ignored.

At least he got the platinum! Also, above emphasis mine. Mostly because it led to me Googling author Timothy Bancroft-Hinchey in order to find out whether he actually worked for the Onion. Alas, apparently not.