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Susan Lucci Helpfully Explains The General Petraeus Soap Opera To Stephen Colbert

Sure, Comedy Central host Stephen Colbert may be a total news buff, but the man has also gots to have his stories — which is why the General Petraeus scandal is so perfect. It’s “news,” sure, but it’s also the best soap opera currently on television. And not only does it involve a love (or, well, lust) triangle, it has its own veritable love pentagon.

But, with so many characters and convoluted storylines at play, Colbert thinks the whole thing just becomes a little too far-fetched. “The news,” he says, “has jumped the shark.” For one: If we were really still fighting in Afghanistan, wouldn’t we be hearing about that on the news instead of all this?

Oh.

Of course, the best part of the segment was: SUSAN LUCCI! So, ok. She developed telekinesis after a tragic boating accident — just like her lover, General Petraeus? But, like. Colbert doesn’t buy it? Even though she SLAPS him with her mind powers? But then admits he’s probably right about the whole thing being B.S.? And I’m sure a coma or a cliff or a demonic possession is involved somehow, but I can’t be completely sure.

Have a look, courtesy of Comedy Central:

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