We grew up in a time when the Cheetos Cheetah was still permitted to market his Flamin’ Hot puffed logs of air and chili fire directly to our tiny, ill-prepared mouths. These days, Frito-Lay no longer markets to children under the age of 12, which is hilarious, because children under the age of 12 are still winding up in the hospital with raging cases of gastritis due to eating too many fake-spicy snacks.
“We have a population who loves to eat the hot spicy, not real foods, and they come in with these real complaints,” said Dr. Martha Rivera, White Memorial Medical Center.
Gastritis is an inflammation, erosion or irritation of the lining of the stomach. It can come on gradually or suddenly. Symptoms include bloating, burning, vomiting and even hiccups.
“You set up for ulcerations, erosions and so you can set up to get peptic ulcer disease in these children,” Rivera warned.
“I remember not really liking them, but trying them once in awhile anyway because of peer pressure or because my friends loved them,” said one Gen-Y Braiser staffer with remarkably few health problems, who genuinely never gets Pringles cravings, and wished to remain anonymous.
“I hated them, though I had a very bland childhood. I liked those cheez-puff balls that came in the drum,” said another.
…No, seriously, how did we survive childhood?
Look at this poor child in hideous health, and let this be a lesson to you: Cheetos are to be used as ingredients in adult stoner snacks only.
Have a tip we should know? firstname.lastname@example.org