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Wanna Hook Up With A Chef? Here Are 9 Totally Serious Tips On How To Do So

How is it that Nick Kokonas manages to find the dumbest food articles in the world? Seriously, he’s got a hidden talent for it. This one comes courtesy of Time Out Chicago, and it is entitled thusly: “How To Bag A Chef In 9 Easy Steps.”

(The online edition is much less gratuitous, and simply talks about dating/getting into a chef’s pants. But then the headline is followed by a photo of phallic-ly erect chef tools, so, yep, this is an entire story about how you can sex a chef.)

There are plenty of celebrity chefs who have happily settled down with lovely spouses (we’re looking at you, Krissy Lefebvre), presumably through totally vaguely traditional dating rituals, but if you’re looking for a shortcut, then by all means, follow the advice of these self-proclaimed Chef Groupies (and one Pimp Chef), whose years of chef sexperience have made them sexperts at below-sexpectations coitus:

3. Don’t waste time being coy. “Chefs are morons…if somebody wants to hit on a chef they have to be very, very blunt and forward and very aggressive.”—Chef, 35, Gold Coast

7. “Chefs are very creative, visual people so they respond well to photos. Facebook them and post away.”—Groupie, 32, River North

9. After your first tryst, “don’t sit and linger at the bar again for at least a week—especially if you want more than a hookup.”—Groupie, 36, Humboldt Park

Man, these are great ideas. For our next Braiser experiment, we’re going to go to Le Bernardin and use all of these brilliant tricks to try and bag Eric Ripert. Ha, we lied. We won’t. You know why? Because Ripert is a stable, normal human being who is married with children, and the above suggestions are provided by lunatics.

(Perhaps this was written as an elaborate satire of the “chefs as rock stars” phenomenon, in which case, you have no idea how close you hit to home, TOC food editor David Tamarkin.)

[TOC]

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